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I don't wanna fall to pieces ,
i juz wanna sit & stare at u .
I dun wanna talk about it ,
coz im in love with u .

i never got a blackjack today :(
if not for her, my life would be pretty perfect.

but it dun mean that i'm gonna be an unfilial son as she unreasonably claims. talking to si min really helped me discover my blind spots. even the rest of my family probably pities my plight, but its okay. i should just take it in my stride. even though i'm indignant, cos i'm here where i am only because of my own efforts, and that my parents can easily brag about their success story, me, to my relatives, arousing jealousy in a few. still, si min's right. my mum did have a great part to play in my early upbringing. when i grew up, she didn't want to stress me out. still, i did her proud, coming out tops in primary school, even though she never cared about whether i studied or not. so it was my choice. and given my family background, i would have, by default, taken the default, commonly repeated path which many like me would have gone, which is, use the choice and abuse it and enjoy your freedoms, and suffer in the end..but i didn't. my dad never prodded me in my studies too. both of them were educated up to sec 2. they dun understand that their son wasn't supposed to be how he's like today. in fact, they are plain lucky. i should have been in a lousy primary school class, went to a lousy ah beng neighbourhood school, which is like, almost all the schools in my area, went to poly with luck, or ite lor. and along the way getting to know undesirable ppl. i really think i should have become like that. but if not for my mum, with her upbringing during my early years, i dun think i'd have been so disciplined all these years to persevere. although no one has ever motivated me. they probably think all students end up in jc, and those in poly do so cos they choose to. they take me for granted. even my mum casually recommended aj to my sis cos 'her bro also from aj' though she doesn't have the necessary points. maybe one day she should find out for herself how things work. i really deserve to be an ah beng, with my bullshit financial situation, uneducated parentage, ordinary relatives from
both sides. and i've my face to prove it. still, its really weird. perhaps its just like the gambling session at mrs toh's house today. i just kept winning. luck or what, i dun know. i myself can't believe it. but when i lost, i quit and declared a game over. i hope my results this coming friday would be the next in my winning streak. scared stiff.

anyway, i just counted. i won 36 bucks with the only 2 dollar note in my wallet. played about 25 matches. i won about 18 games, no blackjack. drew about 4. hien leng (5 under 21) once. kena blackjack by banker once or twice, lost normally about twice. all the while, no blackjack, but i just kept winning. even when mr toh wanted to 'go all out' he never won. i feel bad, depriving young caden of his milk powder money :( but well, the toh couple were so cocky eh. and the ppl who put their money with me and won 10 over each should treat me la.

class gathering at eugene's place tmr. i already stashed my profits for the day. and i'm going out tmr with the same notes i originally had today. 1 $10, 1 $5, 1 $2. eugene's mum is a very very tough banker to beat. if i lose that $2, i'm not gonna play anymore, just like what i told myself today.

life's like a gamble, and i've had my share today. winning 4/5 of the time, nah it dun happen usually. i promised myself not to indulge in4d, toto or score or whatever as an adult, when i was of sec school age. and i rarely break my promises. u might have thought i'm a god of gambling today, but yeah, it ends today. maybe it does run in the family. hah. and with my 30 over bucks, i'm getting chocolates for friends. just like the same thing i did when i won 50 bucks the same old-fashioned way with my dad's sworn brothers 2 years ago. yes, in 1 hour i got a half day's worth of pay, but no, that's not the way to go.

"plak!";
x 10:07 pm