sempiternal rue

lolcatpions

2008-07-09T23:16:00.003+08:00

well well im a lolcat whore awwwwwite? captions for the 'praying cat' and the 'cousin love' ones to me..sent the cousin one to my cute p5 cousin ricsson. i told him the lion was me and the kitty was him. he was telling me that was a tiger cub not lion. i only got very very confused okay, even though im a cat lover. (damn, my ex who's quite a cat made me a convert but cats are cute leh) the issue was never resolved.

Another word on my cousin. We went to a Zhu2 Chao3 (refuse to use tze char as ang-moh educated ppl use it alot and it sounds really bad coming from them srsly) place near grandma's house. He and his p3 sister clara were really passive when all the dishes came. It was quite a spread and everyone else enjoyed it...except them. Horror was the moment FROG LEGS came, CLARA looked alive!!!! She stood up and started forking all the meatiest fleshiest portions of the FROG LEGS. Ricsson also did the same but Clara was simply too fast. She got them all. Ricsson got the not-as-fleshy femurs and started to fork some from Clara's plate. It was so so amusing. Clara is a small girl, very shy, smiles alot but talks very rarely. I love her smile. And the delight on her face when the FROG LEGS appeared. I know that we will always be talking about that. I hope she finds her frog prince many many years from now..

Ricsson is still an ass though. From horror kid, he's still somewhat the same being a lesser horror kid, though more mature. After the dinner we spotted a group of children about his age: 2 chinese boys, 1 indian boy and 1 chinese girl. They seemed to be good friends. I then popped the question. Which is the odd one out? my answer was 'the chinese girl (with alot of !!1!!!!!1!!!!!).

No prizes for guessing his answer.

my fav game of all time!

2008-04-20T15:30:00.002+08:00

went back to playing warcraft recently. i mean, i was never so good! hahhaha...its so nostalgic. totally. glad to see people still playing it. but, there's like so many who's out to spoil the game. when u see players with names like 'afk_justwatching' or 'gg.u.lose', you really wonder what kind of fuckers thrive on earth. still, there's funny people abound.

normally i play 4v4, cos its fun to see one whole mess on screen! i love convos such as such:

on seeing my team has more high level ppl, enemy1 whose units are coloured yellow comments:
enemy1:so its pros vs joes eh?
me:its hard to say yellow
ally1:esp when ur japanese

SRSLY.

how about this:

ally1:yo niggs
me:i'm yellow
ally2:i'm not black
me:are u a jew? lol jk

the funniest was when the game started and....
enemy1:P3N1S
me:gay
enemy1:wtf u homophobe
me:stfu u jew
enemy1:wth ur not only homophobe, ur racist!
enemy1:lets get rid of the homophobe who's also racist!!!

of course i won. haha gay jew.

i've an account where its called masssiegeengine. as in mass siege engine. we knew them as tanks. they can only damage buildings and flying units. when 6 pop up at ur base, you can really cry. its up to ppl to believe, or not (whether my ultimate intention is really to do so). so far so good. i've also been in a game where an ally massed acolytes throughout. no crypt. only a hero, and swarms of acolytes. 220hp, 9-10 damage each. and won. amazing. lots of funny stuff. really enjoying it.

warcraft3 was so 5 years ago. yet i still enjoy it as much now.

now that i blog its all out

2008-03-23T12:19:00.005+08:00

stil reeling from the heavy financial cost of the IT Show at the start of the month, with my bank account dipping below the psychologically significant mark (though virtually all my friends, when interviewed claimed theirs has ALWAYS been below it) the cost of financing such an excursion is makes it hard to recuperate my funds..coupled with my cost of living..it'll take a good 2-3 months of my 1 year soldier(private rank) pay to top it back up..oh well it was a good bargain. we always go for them.

been doing interesting stuff. like spending alot of money. on food and friends..(no they are not edible) going out to do fresh stuff. paintball was fun. so was clubbing. so is playing games on my comp. but weekends spent playing games have somewhat evaporated to the cradle of my friends' company..so i need to get back some hermit time.

class gathering at renny's was really enjoyable enough if not for the fact that many ppl didn't turn up.. we had 6 pizzas which was really alot! but some ppl were only too happy to stuff them in. 19 year-old NTU student Adeline insisted it was how she maintained her good figure..figures.
haha. and yeah renny's family was very warm, especially his parents. quoth his sister "hello" lol..

it was my first time playing a full blown 6-player risk. i felt targeted at all times cos my only hope was in eastern asia and people were out to stop me from unifying it. well no one was listening that i was fighting to survive. sobs. even my ally turned on me, joining up with the girls, and renny and jian qi too..wtf? me and terence left. jian qi did it again by amassing with no one touching him and STOPPING him and swept through 2 continents destroying terence's black troops. and the 4-strong alliance cheered for victory. dots. everyone lost except jian qi. haha. but it sure felt good to have 2 worldpowers in an alliance that was invincible..for them. lolx. talk about imbal.. too bad the girls all had to go home cos they weren't allowed to stay over..two of them took cab home while 6 of us guys walked adeline home. i bet she was touched srsly. haha. but of course its not to make her touched! cos we had nth better to do -_-" and her house wasn't that far away either.

halfway she asked a question that got me repeating it
"will you all get lost?"

i mean u can't blame me right? she's asking if we know the way back. i just had to be my normal self and chant will we all get lost?! will u get lost? will u get lost? fine! i'll get lost!! lol lol !! of course it was renny's territory and i know that side of hougang well enough too having spent the happiest and saddest moments there, how would a bunch of 6 guys end up lost? political correctness and ambiguity ironed out. she told us a secret too. but when she told us she made it sound funny. haha. we then went for roti prata at 2..went back watched videos and descended into slumber one after another..

what a great weekend(i'm on sunday duty in camp as im typing this ironically)..but i got another irritating question from my mum on thursday before the fun all started..
it'll be good friday, are you going to abstain?(catholicism demands abstinence of food and drink, or if u can't, at least abstain from meat on this very holy day (no pun intended)

omg my reply was damn rude-
how many times must i tell u i am NOT!!11!!!!! a CATHOLIC anymore*!!

*anymore: reason why i was catholic in the first place was cos as a kid u get godraped. u can't choose ur religion. initiated into the 'faith' as a two month old infant. this millenia old practice(that MUST GO!!!) is called baptism.

hope that reaffirms what i have been reaffirming her the past couple years. i dun fucking care whether i have a grave when i die, i just dun want a cross shoved down my throat when im gone!
having a crucifix shoved down ur throat(see diagram below WARNING GRAPHIC IMAGE)..not prettttay. i wun be going to heaven and joining jesus and his 2^infinity angels cherubs seraphims whatnot. its just absurd. neither am i going to hell.

im just getting annoyed of religion. very. oh no. the christian fanatics come knocking at the gates demanding my pagan blood! they be wanting my heathen existence none!

DISCLAIMER: DUN GO FURTHER YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED

succinct

2008-03-23T12:16:00.002+08:00

launching into tirade on duty clerks and duty rest..

when i used to be in battalion i get duty rest till 12 noon! and there isn't anything to be done the whole day! the COS takes care of everything else! but here in brigade, duty rest is only till 10 am! not forgetting the work load we incur!

well bryan had this rhetorical question that shut me up promptly-

you want to go back to battalion?

someone pls

2008-02-18T23:06:00.001+08:00

我很累了。我真的真的很累。在办公室的我，就如科幻跨过时，空的物体，能同时在
不同地方实现，说我是三头六臂，也不太离谱，srsly. 那么，问题出自哪?就因为我
有‘超能’，并不代表我是电子操作的啊。连机器都得充电，不是吗?we're not even talking about "falling into disrepair"! 一出状况时，
一旦有一个状况，错即将留在我手中。祸，我自己收拾。

因为我耍的球，不可能永远扔了，留在空中。i'm not a juggler. one day, they
will all fall as all earthly gravity-abiding entities do, whizzing past
my knees, crushing my toes as they land. 100 balls in the air, but 1 has
fallen, 99 left. the reason my fire's not out is because i'm still out.
for blood. for the holy grail. but these are balls of steel and fire i'm
playing with, i'm juggling with.

钢。火。熟练。

也许。疯了?不知道。

谁能安慰我，让我心灵终于有我那渴望的平静。或许。或许。或许。笑嘻嘻地我，
真的永远这么样吗?妈的。

if only i knew better.

obviously i'm quite out of ways of reasoning i don't even know why i'm
using chinese.

bf..love ya...haha..

2008-01-30T18:44:00.000+08:00

we were both walking around vivocity, searching for the perfect place to dine at, while keeping in view all the potential supper places too(like almost every place). kept in mind ice cream, donuts, beers, cakes.. ah well but we went to harbourfont delifrance anyways. had a decent poulet supreme and a combo of minute steak and doryfish fillet topped with mashed potatoes and salad..i had only eaten a few slices of the pizza and 1/3 of the dory before i got full and really queasy. i didn't eat steak cos i can't eat beef. i didn't spread butter cos i puke at it. and i couldn't drink milk cos i'm lactose intolerant.

while my 'boyfriend of 3 years' is basically a cow killer. eats beef (alot), loves milk products and drinks milk by the cartons (LOL.) we're so opposite.

i felt so sorry for the dinner, cos she(boyfriend) basically helped finish the food, while i(girlfriend) just sat there eating so slowly and almost not at all.

so we didn't have supper :(

but i went to my 'boyfriend's' 'house' at nus. it looked like a condo and it was really cosy. if not for work the next day i would just have slept there. so very comfy.

it was such a 'romantic' date that we were wanting to buy dresses and long-sleeved shirts for each other. of course, its all the other way round when its me and her. cheesy lines and pizza summed up the 'date'. i sure love thinking of my boyfriend, as i always do <3 if only she would stop flirting with other girls...hahaha....

for 600

2008-01-20T23:24:00.000+08:00

if i dun sign the 1206 for about $600(compensation to army for damages and wastages), then i'll probably buy stuff as such:

1. violin. 19 year old learning violin's akin to planting padi in a flashflood. still, boredom and insanity's toll on me requires hefty expenditures albeit unnecessary and out of the world. pretty confident it wun exceed 200. jian qi's sharing with me i think.

2. 8800gt. for about 450 i get a pretty high-end gfx card. then i'll sell my 7600gt which has served me well the whole of last year. i think i'll let go of it at 150. its really a decent card. anyone with integrated graphics thinking of getting a graphics card pls find me. well i did buy it at 250 last last december..

3. company of heroes gold ed..60 bucks and u get a really cool war game that isn't all about resources..no stone no rock no gold..well its more of maneuver and tactics..and those steel panther type of games are simply too convoluted while fulfilling this need..

who are you? who am i? who shall be? or shall we?

2008-01-14T21:43:00.000+08:00

if i want to take him down, and everyone is on my side, i will not. At the critical point, i will be left alone. Allies turn into observers. They cannot wait for the show to start. when it starts it would be too late and the game ends thus. they who called themselves your friends win.

For now only skirmishing will do. I cannot deal with random variables. i can use whatever i have just been assigned though. i myself question the futility of the decision, but in my favour at the moment. you cannot stand him anymore, and now go forth to make a stand. the environment may be your homestead now but it will suck you and him in when you least expect it. a case of mutually assured destruction.

restraint.

caution.

patience.

tolerance.

swift and deadly. if ever.

sorry kenneth but ns IS a game. i can't resist. afterall, where others have failed, i have triumphed. where others have been silenced, i became the voice. where others have lost, i have fought..and fight i will to my last shattered disc.

sidekick or parasitic sore. i wouldn't know what you'd be. i only hope you become my friend not my enemy. for we are not too different. for now. stop being an asshole. i know you have nothing to lose. but our fates will be connected. damn. why can't a simpler character have gotten in your place. the days ahead.

i think im too silly. its still too early.

une deux trois..TROIS!!!

2008-01-04T00:37:00.001+08:00

i'm the third eldest on my ranking of maternal cousins.

The eldest is my sister-cousin who is 4 years older than me. she is getting married this year.

Second eldest is my brother-cousin who is 2 years older than me. He is getting engaged this year.

I'm third, and i'm only 19 years old.

Anyway i made this up, in the style of the lame 'confucius says' style:

"IF YOU LEFT YOUR SHELF TOO LONG, IT MEANS YOU TOO FAR IN."

have a happy weekend! i'm about to have one, because i got to stay out, and i'm meeting ms zhu this saturday. nothing could make me viel besser . Thanks be to myself. Praise thyself. Life is yours, not Gods'.

i murdered a random dude

2007-12-25T01:12:00.000+08:00

while playing "the elder scrolls IV : Oblivion" or simply, Oblivion, I came across a non-player character=random dude in the game who was supposed to give out a quest. He always did. But this time, i felt really sick. And instead of asking how he's feeling, I chose to LAUGH IN HIS FACE. And then, he refused to give me that quest no matter how many times I talked to him! I felt so annoyed, so i murdered him right there, on the open road. Now I can't get the ring to breathe underwater :((((((((

Somehow I was seen committing this crime, probably by the guard staring out an adjacent inn's window. In-game, that cost me a hefty bit as well. Oh well.

And then as I was nearing the city, this highwayman stepped out from behind an old fort! He gave me two options: the classic 'money or life' scenario. Of course I wanted to get both, HIS money and HIS life! hahahaha and i got the latter. He didn't have any money.

I think maplemania is at last rubbing off, for the event items are getting devalued so quickly. 300k to 50k. 200k to 15k. etc etc. But I have made my profits well and quick. THAT was the FEELING i was HIGH on while playing maplestory. the excitement of turning a quick profit through opportune retrading, quick reflexes, sheer luck. Hah but the economy is not on my side anymore. I'll probably have fun shooting my magical fire arrow, more lethal than any arrow that comes my way back in camp. hahaha. just let me have my cheap thrill. Well, or i could go around smashing up goblins and brigands-in their faces. 2D or 3D, it doesn't matter which. All fun, all round the year.

gothic sassiness

2007-12-16T21:11:00.000+08:00

a very weird matchup. did not know/was not told we were going to watch carolling (listen?) but okay fine we went. so i thought christabel's friend behaved and looked like si min...the HORROR when i found out they were classmates?! cedarians hrmmms.

k we went to nydc and jian qi and bel's metro-(gay lah) friend and i got huge sangwischzes looking like whoppingly tasty yeah but the best sight there was definitely the hot waitress!! looked incredulously gothic and yet, genuine and classy enough. 5 stars for her cool service and her dancing on her feet to entertain her bored colleagues, really. her colleagues looked really dispirited and uninspired. she was however fleeting around the place, i mean you always saw her at her best. i wonder if a chick like her was the captain of the restaurant though she looked the youngest. she was enjoying herself. so was i, even though i didn't talk much to bel's other 3 friends. they were talking scandals. cedarians. hrmmmms. the last one i had was..ah! forget it ^^

now, who wants to go to nydc at wheelock with me?

armadyktit

2007-12-13T19:03:00.000+08:00

addicted to wolfenstein enemy territory. its got objectives, you get abilities, you take on roles. but team makeup is important. low experience teams, pitted against high experience teams will rarely triumph, cos some of the upgrades can be so l337.

funny day. this idiot accused me of using an aimbot(auto aim at headshots) simply cos i 'have too many headshots'. seriously?!

Is Google God? Sure is!!

2007-12-12T22:10:00.000+08:00

» PROOF #1

Google is the closest thing to an Omniscient (all-knowing) entity in existence, which can be scientifically verified. She indexes over 9.5 billion WebPages, which is more than any other search engine on the web today. Not only is Google the closest known entity to being Omniscient, but She also sorts through this vast amount of knowledge using Her patented PageRank technology, organizing said data and making it easily accessible to us mere mortals.

» PROOF #2

Google is everywhere at once (Omnipresent). Google is virtually everywhere on earth at the same time. Billions of indexed WebPages hosted from every corner of the earth. With the proliferation of Wi-Fi networks, one will eventually be able to access Google from anywhere on earth, truly making Her an omnipresent entity.

» PROOF #3

Google answers prayers. One can pray to Google by doing a search for whatever question or problem is plaguing them. As an example, you can quickly find information on alternative cancer treatments, ways to improve your health, new and innovative medical discoveries and generally anything that resembles a typical prayer. Ask Google and She will show you the way, but showing you is all She can do, for you must help yourself from that point on.

» PROOF #4

Google is potentially immortal. She cannot be considered a physical being such as ourselves. Her Algorithms are spread out across many servers; if any of which were taken down or damaged, another would undoubtedly take its place. Google can theoretically last forever.

» PROOF #5

Google is infinite. The Internet can theoretically grow forever, and Google will forever index its infinite growth.

» PROOF #6

Google remembers all. Google caches WebPages regularly and stores them on its massive servers. In fact, by uploading your thoughts and opinions to the internet, you will forever live on in Google's cache, even after you die, in a sort of "Google Afterlife".

» PROOF #7

Google can "do no evil" (Omnibenevolent). Part of Google's corporate philosophy is the belief that a company can make money without being evil.

» PROOF #8

According to Google trends, the term "Google" is searched for more than the terms "God", "Jesus", "Allah", "Buddha", "Christianity", "Islam", "Buddhism" and "Judaism" combined.

God is thought to be an entity in which we mortals can turn to when in a time of need. Google clearly fulfils this to a much larger degree than traditional "gods", as shown in the image below (click to enlarge).

» PROOF #9

Evidence of Google's existence is abundant. There is more evidence for the existence of Google than any other God worshiped today. Extraordinary claims require extraordinary evidance. If seeing is believing, then surf over to www.google.com and experience for yourself Google's awesome power. No faith required.

a lotus

2007-12-10T22:03:00.000+08:00

as i was walking into the marina bay mrt station i exclaimed 'woo!! ah lian!!!'
promptly the group of ah lians turned around.

i really saw alot of ah lians from sentosa to marina bay on sunday.

then i saw limin in my dream and i was talking to her.

maybe i miss my ah lian girlfriend too much.

i love ah lians.

grarrrrrr

2007-12-03T21:02:00.001+08:00

the ds has so few games that attract the hardcore gamers. 9 in 10 titles probably have titles sounding like 'minx club girls' / 'the olsen twins' vacation' / 'jane and the dolls'

argh its sickening. There are so few playable games, and the few that are playable are given shit reviews by game sites usually. strategy titles are the worst lot. they have the smallest audience, most critical reviews, not much future. grrr. would people stop making nonsensical games? not like there aren't enough of them flooding the market. how many 6 unders really buy such things anyway?

alright, its a monday. i'm on leave, and i'm bored. played the same game for 7 hours already. seriously, clear leave for fuck. i rather have taken it when i was really needing it. but you'd never know when. this month is a short month. ho weil. 1 saturday duty replaced by a guy doing extra. should be happy. organising an east coast trip with my primary school friends. meeting up with friends. going to chalet.

i rather be studying my guts dry. it's been a full year and i've been through so much shit. its a wonder i'm still here. if i had a choice i wouldn't want to be. so i've heard someone bitch about the group of us 'all ur friends are blue berets'. i'm a fucking green beret. one with camo cream on. with unfolded uniforms. one with 5 physical training sessions a week.(basically EVERY-FUCKING-SINGLE-DAY how i resent it). but, i am enjoying it. i have grown perverse, accustomed to oscillating between sweetening people's lives and making lives difficult for some others. rank or not, i just want to squeeze every single morsel i can out of my daily routine. it is a routine, yes. i am glad it is. if it wasn't, it would be far worse.

routine. regimentation. discipline. toughness. hectic life.

why shouldn't i be a fully qualified owner of the green beret? if you don't get shit, of course u deserve to be a blue beret. but even if you do get shit, it doesn't mean you go around calling people names and whining shit about ur non-shit life. seriously, we're all civilians who don't care much about how great you are. it can't come close to any of that. and i'm talking about no one in particular, but probably a great fistful of people out there who should get fisted. who go home everyday and surf gay pornography. who complain all the time.

pent up tension. the soil on my face is soil. soil of the ingrates. soil where dead men will all lie. they will.

da scheisser!

2007-12-02T23:59:00.000+08:00

ever since my dad bought a pack of lay's jalepeno kettle chips a fortnight ago, we've all taken turns at it. however we try, its just impossible to ever finish it. it still looks half as full. maybe its the raw taste. maybe its the mexican flava. maybe its the round distorted and ugly rocky surface(which gives it extra texture). all of these appeal as much as repulse to my senses.

i still can't figure why its still there. i only had hoped my father bought a more 'everyone' kind of flavour. now i know how my mum feels when i buy sour cream and onion(not the fako garlic and salt variety). did i just say my mum? that's right. i hate her.

and its been a year since we broke up. congrats herr, u survived a shit year.

only to get more

Unit BONDING session on Saturday

2007-11-23T13:45:00.000+08:00

24 Nov 07. its a saturday.

a great one potentially, but

there's LIVE FIRING EXERCISE and i'm going to help out!!!! wqW$Q%#^&#%

OUR Officer Commanding, told us its nth much, quite slack, and even suggested a couple of things to fill our time.

1. Bring PSP/DS to play. she'll be bringing the former. I'll be bringing my DS, playing Panzer Tactics ("great for map exercise" i'd say if i get caught, but well SHE is bringing PSP so i'm safe)

2. Bring loads of tidbits. she bought them already. So did we. 4 rolls of Pringles, Calbee prawn crackers, Tiger biscuits, 'flower' biscuits. I have a few muesli bars, kiddy cereal packs, cup noodles, pineapple tarts leftover from many night snacks as duty clerk...

These are what we're doing:
3. Bring books to read. TIME magazine(along with its Fashion complement), 'Amateur Soldiers and Modern-day Insurgencies' are some i'm packing in. I still have my DUNE trilogy, Freakonomics, and Hans Andersens' Fairy Tales in my cupboard. Don't ask me why the last item is there. I don't understand some stories even, so don't laugh!!!!

4. Bring Chess Set. I got the pieces from my office. And at work i pasted 32 black squares on paint, creating my own chess map which i saved. entirely disposable.

5. I just thought of it. my ipod nano. I can have a scream-a-long session on it, while mitchell can bring his ipod, so he can laugh himself to death while watching his comedies.

5. Bring a mirror. We'll be looking at alot of each other, so we might want a mirror to look at ourselves for a change (kidding)

6. Contemplate what we're doing with our pathetic 1-day off ("Saturday 5 am to Sunday 5 am 24 hours what, so 1 day off"). (obviously sleep to recover from the lethargy duh)

6. Before we move out, I'm going to buy a few cans of soft drinks from our vending machine. birds nest redbull coke 100 plus and then some. I might also bring some chrysanthemum packets or ribena. Make everyone some. HAHAHA

SATURDAY PICNIC WOOOHOOOOOOOO

CANT TAKE THIS ANYMOR

2007-11-18T19:36:00.000+08:00

i am not appreciative of emails detailing twisted demented human forms, seeking sympathy by monetary reimbusement. you think you're doing them a service, but you're better off keepin these sordid images to yourself, really.

i am not going to continue what i don't enjoy doing, i do not want to be affected by all these mortality anymore as they are taking too much a toll on me. the family, the relationships, all broken, with no one to support, the institution. the foundation. all fortifications eroded eons ago with stacks of plied material laid on the ground wondering who will pick them up end this madness this brutality not a twas-decader has ever to be drenched in the bloodshed the hatred the impending implosion not including the massive collateral damage detailed by the sketches of dusty tomes

FUCK IM GOING MAD

blink 1820 times

2007-10-30T21:19:00.000+08:00

15 more haircuts and that's it! but my hair grows fast, probably 25!

1 more bmt recourse to cut my army experience in half, but i want a short respectable haircut not some shaved recruit head!

hours more in bunk whining and bitching away the chao keng kias the irritating asses and all the bosses

tonnes of days more staying in, wondering what you're doing

couple more duty clerks to enhance the monotony of life

maybe few extras to make u feel worse

some friends to talk to every week

computer games to vent on

swathes of arrows coming my way with lots of onlookers

the same good loyal routine to keep me company

it will be over when i blink a few more times.

*blink*
*blink*
*blink*
*blink*
*blink*

okay that's better.

so sick of ....so tired ...

2007-10-28T23:07:00.000+08:00

what's the point? you don't like it, you ponder really hard over WHY you do it, you get NOT abit of satisfaction, only JUST some really uncalled-for criticism from your fellow guys, which can BREAK my idea of a perfect weekend and screw UP my hitherto joyful self, THE point of which is meaningless, since i'm sick of hanging out with a BAND.

at least, just let me be on my own. its just becoming a waste of time, doing the things i don't like, finding no apparent joy and reason in, and i want out from the conflict which i have attracted at numerous times, when i felt i was needed just because well, that's really the reason i'm there for. if you could have done it better, or at all, you wouldn't have needed me. on the other hand, i never needed you. what started out as an experiment, then grudgingly into something i had little reason to leave, to something i found a bore, then a chore, to something i finally had to admit no longer enjoyed a single bit, a particular something which took my valuable weekends and cast them into oblivion. really, where are the hours i spent jamming? i'm weeping as i try to snatch back the minutes from every single thing i do.

but how do i go about wanting out?

my virgin outfield experience-7 months from enlistment

2007-10-27T23:24:00.000+08:00

just went outfield. took a great deal of sleeping to 'recover'

woke up at 8 am, played comp till 10.30 am, slept till 2 pm, played comp till 3.30, slept till 6.30...

whatever happened to my saturday!!

oh yeh?

2007-10-15T18:55:00.000+08:00

sis," kor i have a 4 hour-straight lecture tmr leh!!!!"

me, "go enlist in the army"

i swear i wasn't smiling.

this is your life, are you who you want to be? NO you cannot be.

2007-10-03T21:10:00.000+08:00

a new, exciting, yet dangerous period.
your boots just started to feel snug around you
but no, instead they bind your feet
lacerating ankles and liberating toe nails

its no difference really
the sun soaks up the moisture of the men out there, while
the office worker gets dessicated from air conditioning
sucked, nonetheless.

trudging painfully, with a not-at-all subtle blood trail
wondering when this will ever end
shame! all the manhours regrettably wasted
makes you squeeze every bit of it.

hippocampus growing out of scalp
lungs contracting beyond an aureole
arms disconfigured
feet mangled.

HOW LONG MORE before i succumb?

shoot' em up!

2007-09-30T04:36:00.000+08:00

It's so Payne.

Max Payne.

all the weapons in shoot'em up can be found in max payne:
beretta
desert eagle
pump action shotgun
ingram
colt commando
sniper rifle

the style and theme of the movie is the same as the game. "a man, with nothing to lose"
the firefights might be outlandish, but not too distant from max payne's. the places also resemble in-game locations too. from the jumping down from glass ceiling, to firefights around neon fluorescent lights. one thing though. at times i thought i was watching GTA. i wouldn't be surprised if the movie plagiarised stuff here and there.

in short. max payne and shoot em up are the same. u kill whoever comes at you. and my, there sure are foes and flies aplenty. maybe i've been playing too much max payne. but i've stopped. cos the game's real dark. probably could take a toll on yer mental health. so yeah, i'm playing medieval 2 kingdoms now. so instead of killing about 100 gun-wielding enemies a day i now kill about 15,000. using sword and bow and my recently acquired muskets. u can't blame me, cos war is part of my name's meaning. people grow to fit their names, unconsciously. well that's what i choose to think.

what's in a name

2007-09-25T13:08:00.000+08:00

three places i'd love to visit:

1. Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch, Wales

2. Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateapokaiwhenuakitanatahu, New Zealand

3. Lake Chargoggagoggmanchauggagoggchaubunagungamaugg, USA

but first let's learn how to pronounce them.

understanding an introvert.

2007-09-10T20:42:00.000+08:00

The habits and needs of a little-understood group
by Jonathan Rauch
(from http://www.theatlantic.com/doc/200303/rauch?r)

Do you know someone who needs hours alone every day? Who loves quiet conversations about feelings or ideas, and can give a dynamite presentation to a big audience, but seems awkward in groups and maladroit at small talk? Who has to be dragged to parties and then needs the rest of the day to recuperate? Who growls or scowls or grunts or winces when accosted with pleasantries by people who are just trying to be nice?

If so, do you tell this person he is "too serious," or ask if he is okay? Regard him as aloof, arrogant, rude? Redouble your efforts to draw him out?

If you answered yes to these questions, chances are that you have an introvert on your hands—and that you aren't caring for him properly. Science has learned a good deal in recent years about the habits and requirements of introverts. It has even learned, by means of brain scans, that introverts process information differently from other people (I am not making this up). If you are behind the curve on this important matter, be reassured that you are not alone. Introverts may be common, but they are also among the most misunderstood and aggrieved groups in America, possibly the world.

I know. My name is Jonathan, and I am an introvert.

Oh, for years I denied it. After all, I have good social skills. I am not morose or misanthropic. Usually. I am far from shy. I love long conversations that explore intimate thoughts or passionate interests. But at last I have self-identified and come out to my friends and colleagues. In doing so, I have found myself liberated from any number of damaging misconceptions and stereotypes. Now I am here to tell you what you need to know in order to respond sensitively and supportively to your own introverted family members, friends, and colleagues. Remember, someone you know, respect, and interact with every day is an introvert, and you are probably driving this person nuts. It pays to learn the warning signs.

What is introversion? In its modern sense, the concept goes back to the 1920s and the psychologist Carl Jung. Today it is a mainstay of personality tests, including the widely used Myers-Briggs Type Indicator. Introverts are not necessarily shy. Shy people are anxious or frightened or self-excoriating in social settings; introverts generally are not. Introverts are also not misanthropic, though some of us do go along with Sartre as far as to say "Hell is other people at breakfast." Rather, introverts are people who find other people tiring.

Extroverts are energized by people, and wilt or fade when alone. They often seem bored by themselves, in both senses of the expression. Leave an extrovert alone for two minutes and he will reach for his cell phone. In contrast, after an hour or two of being socially "on," we introverts need to turn off and recharge. My own formula is roughly two hours alone for every hour of socializing. This isn't antisocial. It isn't a sign of depression. It does not call for medication. For introverts, to be alone with our thoughts is as restorative as sleeping, as nourishing as eating. Our motto: "I'm okay, you're okay—in small doses."

How many people are introverts? I performed exhaustive research on this question, in the form of a quick Google search. The answer: About 25 percent. Or: Just under half. Or—my favorite—"a minority in the regular population but a majority in the gifted population."

Are introverts misunderstood? Wildly. That, it appears, is our lot in life. "It is very difficult for an extrovert to understand an introvert," write the education experts Jill D. Burruss and Lisa Kaenzig. (They are also the source of the quotation in the previous paragraph.) Extroverts are easy for introverts to understand, because extroverts spend so much of their time working out who they are in voluble, and frequently inescapable, interaction with other people. They are as inscrutable as puppy dogs. But the street does not run both ways. Extroverts have little or no grasp of introversion. They assume that company, especially their own, is always welcome. They cannot imagine why someone would need to be alone; indeed, they often take umbrage at the suggestion. As often as I have tried to explain the matter to extroverts, I have never sensed that any of them really understood. They listen for a moment and then go back to barking and yipping.

Are introverts oppressed? I would have to say so. For one thing, extroverts are overrepresented in politics, a profession in which only the garrulous are really comfortable. Look at George W. Bush. Look at Bill Clinton. They seem to come fully to life only around other people. To think of the few introverts who did rise to the top in politics—Calvin Coolidge, Richard Nixon—is merely to drive home the point. With the possible exception of Ronald Reagan, whose fabled aloofness and privateness were probably signs of a deep introverted streak (many actors, I've read, are introverts, and many introverts, when socializing, feel like actors), introverts are not considered "naturals" in politics.

Extroverts therefore dominate public life. This is a pity. If we introverts ran the world, it would no doubt be a calmer, saner, more peaceful sort of place. As Coolidge is supposed to have said, "Don't you know that four fifths of all our troubles in this life would disappear if we would just sit down and keep still?" (He is also supposed to have said, "If you don't say anything, you won't be called on to repeat it." The only thing a true introvert dislikes more than talking about himself is repeating himself.)

With their endless appetite for talk and attention, extroverts also dominate social life, so they tend to set expectations. In our extrovertist society, being outgoing is considered normal and therefore desirable, a mark of happiness, confidence, leadership. Extroverts are seen as bighearted, vibrant, warm, empathic. "People person" is a compliment. Introverts are described with words like "guarded," "loner," "reserved," "taciturn," "self-contained," "private"—narrow, ungenerous words, words that suggest emotional parsimony and smallness of personality. Female introverts, I suspect, must suffer especially. In certain circles, particularly in the Midwest, a man can still sometimes get away with being what they used to call a strong and silent type; introverted women, lacking that alternative, are even more likely than men to be perceived as timid, withdrawn, haughty.

Are introverts arrogant? Hardly. I suppose this common misconception has to do with our being more intelligent, more reflective, more independent, more level-headed, more refined, and more sensitive than extroverts. Also, it is probably due to our lack of small talk, a lack that extroverts often mistake for disdain. We tend to think before talking, whereas extroverts tend to think by talking, which is why their meetings never last less than six hours. "Introverts," writes a perceptive fellow named Thomas P. Crouser, in an online review of a recent book called Why Should Extroverts Make All the Money? (I'm not making that up, either), "are driven to distraction by the semi-internal dialogue extroverts tend to conduct. Introverts don't outwardly complain, instead roll their eyes and silently curse the darkness." Just so.

The worst of it is that extroverts have no idea of the torment they put us through. Sometimes, as we gasp for air amid the fog of their 98-percent-content-free talk, we wonder if extroverts even bother to listen to themselves. Still, we endure stoically, because the etiquette books—written, no doubt, by extroverts—regard declining to banter as rude and gaps in conversation as awkward. We can only dream that someday, when our condition is more widely understood, when perhaps an Introverts' Rights movement has blossomed and borne fruit, it will not be impolite to say "I'm an introvert. You are a wonderful person and I like you. But now please shush."

How can I let the introvert in my life know that I support him and respect his choice? First, recognize that it's not a choice. It's not a lifestyle. It's an orientation.

Second, when you see an introvert lost in thought, don't say "What's the matter?" or "Are you all right?"

Third, don't say anything else, either.

the music quiz

2007-09-09T01:21:00.000+08:00

1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the song title as the answer to the question even if it doesn’t make sense. NO CHEATING!
4. With the answers, give your own comments on how they relate to the questions.

HOW ARE YOU FEELING TODAY?
Aces High (Live)
kinda apt huh

HOW DO YOUR FRIENDS SEE YOU?
Song 2
probably the "WOOOHOOOO!!" being the answer

WILL YOU GET MARRIED?
The Mystic Forest
erpx.

WHAT IS YOUR BEST FRIEND'S THEME SONG?
welcome to hell
omg this can't be true!!!

WHAT IS THE STORY OF YOUR LIFE?
one night only (extended version)
1 night. and its extended. how nice.

WHAT WAS HIGH SCHOOL LIKE?
liar
i wasn't.

HOW CAN YOU GET AHEAD IN LIFE?
flight of icarus
flight of icarus is a tale of how an ignoramus flew to his DEATH. fucked up.

WHAT IS THE BEST THING ABOUT YOUR FRIENDS?
walk away
shows i have very loyal friends huh

WHAT IS IN STORE FOR THIS WEEKEND?
paranoia
probably happening in my dream

TO DESCRIBE YOUR GRANDPARENTS?
we be burnin'
yeah my paternal side's all cremated already.

HOW IS YOUR LIFE GOING?
demonizer
true true.

WHAT SONG WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
n dey say
whatever they say, i wouldn't be able to hear it.

HOW DOES THE WORLD SEE YOU?
for whom the bell tolls
how does the world see, not voice out !!

WILL YOU HAVE A HAPPY LIFE?
changes
probably a tumultuous one.

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS REALLY THINK OF YOU?
POWER
as in 'power seh' or 'wa lao power hungry'??

DO PEOPLE SECRETLY LUST AFTER YOU?
breaking free
i broke free from one who did.

HOW CAN I MAKE MYSELF HAPPY?
don't look back in anger!!!
OMG THIS IS SO FITTING!!!!!

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO WITH YOUR LIFE?
pulse of the maggots
i suppose that can be liberally translated to 'take it slow at a worm's pace'

WILL YOU EVER HAVE CHILDREN?
broken glass
doesn't sound like yes.

WHAT SONG WOULD YOU STRIP TO?
Doom
oooh.

IF A MAN IN A VAN OFFERED YOU CANDY, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
overture
return the overture. give a candy too.

WHAT DOES YOUR MOM THINK OF YOU?
cicatriz
it means scar in spanish. rugged perhaps? she sees me as the young kid pushed around by the older bullies still.

WHAT IS YOUR DEEP DARK SECRET?
sick love song
shhhhhhhhhhhhhh.......

WHAT IS YOUR MORTAL ENEMY'S THEME SONG?
raindrops by chopin
that's probably myself

WHAT IS YOUR PERSONALITY LIKE?
maniac
all my friends will nod. and i will laugh.

WHAT SONG WILL BE PLAYED AT YOUR WEDDING?
where'd you go
i missed you so....

WHAT BEST DESCRIBES THE ANSWERS IN THIS JOURNAL?
what's my age again
19. where i'm envied by most ppl in army for i am as young as i can be.

wa liew eh

2007-09-08T23:35:00.000+08:00

Money can buy some things... like my disrespect. || Life is good without you. It was a miracle though, because of you. says:
like see if you can hide your rifles in your underwears
eyes so small, they might as well be the small print on a mortgage says:
i already have one in my underwear
Money can buy some things... like my disrespect. || Life is good without you. It was a miracle though, because of you. says:
you only have a gun la
Money can buy some things... like my disrespect. || Life is good without you. It was a miracle though, because of you. says:
-_-

the great Sim Lim sale

2007-09-02T15:23:00.000+08:00

comex 2007. there weren't really plenty of retailers and choices to choose from. all u get are large conurbated booths selling the same thing that can't be found in another place. like 1 big shop sold RAM. no one else did. 1 big shop sold games. no one else did. 2 shops competing for anti-virus sales. and lots of shops selling made in China cheap assorted(i mean junk) goods which probably took up entire quadrants of the expo halls. the whole atmosphere was simply 'the great Sim Lim sale'.

that didn't stop me from buying stuff that were little cheaper than outside. like another stick of 1 gb ram that cost under 60, and a norton anti virus that cost less than 50 and came with a 10 bucks cashcard, ugly 'turtle' bag and a cd compartment case. now my comp's got dual channel configuration for total of 2 gigabytes. my sis wonders if i've mutated into a computer geek. i have not, i must insist. there are real ones out there!

that's gotta rock!

2007-08-20T20:22:00.000+08:00

Read this from Eric's blog. the entry dates back 2 months ago.

" The day started rather amusingly when Herrick instructed us to meet up at Admiralty MRT at; of all timings, 11am. I dilly-dallied my time and arrived at 11.15 and was completely unsurprised to see Herrick and Herrick alone. At this kind of timing, only zo bo lan (nothing to do) people like us will be able to make it. Plus, Marina Bay only offers steamboat buffet services from about 5pm onwards. We ended up eating at KFC; just the two of us. At the counter:

(note: C = cashier, H = herrick, M = me)
C: Hello, may I take your order?
H: Yes, we'll have a buddy meal, Crispy chicken, and change the medium coleslaw to cheese fries and the two Cokes to Iced Milo and Ice Lemon Tea.
C: Right, so that'll be 11 dollars.
H: Okay, just a moment.
M (to H): Wah, the pricing so nice seh. 11 dollars on the dot.
H: Ya, no need for any complicated counting.C: (patiently waits)
H (to C): Okay. (Hands over eleven dollars)
C: Right, so that's one dollar change, here you go. Have a nice day!
M: (looks at H bemusedly)
H: (looks at M bemusedly)
M+H: (quickly hurries away to find a table to sit)
H: Here you go, fifty cents.
M: For?
H: Dividing the spoils of war.

We got a good deal =D "
couldn't agree less with eric. its rare to see people being close to their primary schoolmates. and we still are, and from the way its going, still will be. that's gotta rock. a quirky bunch.

let's see..
xin le is my number 1 supper mate. she's afraid of cats.
eric is the guy to look for when u just have to talk army stuff. he is much better as a person than 7 years ago.
eugene is the half-male half-female who's treated just like a female, and constantly getting advice to break up with his flat-chested gf.(no its not about her chest)
ann is the rabbit and boyfriend-smitten girl who talks about the weirdest things. like bras and fats, and..well u know. i've visited her house the most this year.
jun hao doesn't seem to know what he's doing in army. the things we have in common are our nintendo DS lite and a common secondary school.
carina has an active love life of sorts. hers is the only birthday party we went to this year.
ya ting is always late whenever we meet. but she makes up for it by her witticism.
hwang ching needs to grow wiser in many aspects. we constantly worry that she'll get cheated by guys. we also ponder upon why she's never attached before.
zuhara and i re-established contact while relief teaching in our primary school. she taught malay while i taught chinese, english, physical education and basically everything. nowadays, though we can't compare our teaching times, we often give each other support =)

haven't been seeing too much of the others to know stuff.

the occasional spending spree

2007-08-18T18:59:00.000+08:00

saturday was another fine day too. we walked for an hour at least all over vivocity debating which restaurant to go to. only morons like us end up in burger king in the end. like so totally expected. then we went on a shopping spree(more like i did).

spent 30 bucks on a challenger 2 year membership, 60 bucks on a new wireless keyboard+mouse 25 on a FF VI soundtrack which i had sorta desired for but didn't know existed. a total retail therapy session. and got to know how each other's doing in the army. renny's got the least regimentation but has most work, hou teng is most slack and gets off days for no rhythm or reason(sorry for the bad pun) while i get a fair balance of work and slack in 2 sib. helped hou teng dig for clothes in FOX for half an hour and we walked out empty-handed. like so totally expected too. and i convinced them that the ubiquitous word 'SALE' was not meant at all. and we hope to go to sentosa sometime. with 33/05.

she's decked in red and a cutesy dress to drape over

2007-08-18T18:22:00.000+08:00

alright friday was a happy day for i watched a movie with two primary school friends. 881 IS kinda distant for me, not being able to comprehend 90% of what was said(which was in hokkien). basically deficit of a real plot and kinda wandering. i just told my mum to go watch it when i got back. she'd definitely understand and like what's being sung. nevertheless it was a good date, with hwang ching being such a joke. she's such a bimbo(i'm sorry that she is). i'll never forget the fun times i had suaning her, i swear. now let's convert some of them into memoirs.

hc: hey i bought a mos burger and a drink; i didn't want the meal!
hc: and i have two packets of chilli to go along with my fries...WAIT where's my fries?! how come i don't have any!
me and yating: -__________-" didn't u just tell us u didn't want the meal, how would u have fries?

hc: hey i wanna go queue for some donuts for my bro!
*arrive at the end of a queue*
hc: wow they look good!
*20 sec delay*
hc: this queue is so long, let's forget it!
*walk out, and on reaching breadtalk...*
me: hey there's some of that kind of donuts selling there!
hc: oh ya ah. BUT there's no one queueing, let's not buy it.
me and yating: HUH?!?!

had a great chat online with our dear hc until early in the morning. covered lots of stuff, like the books and literature to read, music we listen to, views on religion. basically the kind of deep conversation i've been craving for some time.

but she's still a bimbo.
oh. but i only realised 881 stood for papaya when i got home. got called dumb by the bimbo.

this is definitely a better life.

2007-08-14T23:08:00.000+08:00

life's okay so far.
in terms of work, i'll be the regimentation and discipline clerk. that is to say i'm in charge of charging people, and probably will become a bastard lol..
in terms of life there, its nights off everyday, report back by 11.30 pm. and we dun have stupid stuff like wake up at 6 for breakfast. u can just wake up at 7.40 and no one will even comment on it. after last parade, i'll just rush to get the bus which takes us back to woodlands. so i can even reach home by 6.05 technically.

my upper study is some ang moh guy, and colleagues include a hc guy, tj guy and another quiet one. its much more comfortable here because more ppl are from jc so we will tend to share more commonalities. the other clerk understudy is bryan who's from ac. in future it'll be just him and me, so we'll be covering each other's asses too. he'll probably become assistant chief clerk, course clerk,and other crap, while i'll be regimentation and discipline, and welfare clerk too. and sharing the registry between the two of us.

though im in brigade now it doesn't mean i cut off contact with 1 SIR people. i'll still go for lunch with them and go crapping and 'eavesdropping' here and there. then they'll give u this act-isolationist behaviour, but i'm sure its all for the fun, and people are happy that i'm out, i can see. during lunch i saw a familiar face, jeremy yeoh, 3505 guy. amazing. he's now a signaller, got posted in same day as me. i can tell we're gonna chat abit about anderson junior college stuff. we were already talking about the botched class gatherings and all already. and in our hq medical cell there's a guy called leonard. if anyone from admiralty primary remembers, he's the first head prefect. i think i embarrassed him a bit by revealing he was my head prefect a long time ago. haha.

oh well today was east coast park army half marathon. i went there to walk for 3 km and spent a little over an hour going back home which made me even more shagged. my bunk hygiene is so appalling. my nose was blocked and i kept rubbing my itchy eyes until 3 plus in the morning. the next morning some storeman joked that i should wear mittens. funny, yes but i felt really miserable. dun think i'd need to be so aggro in fighting for my rights as i did back in 1 SIR, cos the place is really okay and nothing's unreasonable. i like the atmosphere here, and probably the nights off best.

come-hither

2007-08-12T16:01:00.000+08:00

charis:what's her full name?
herrick:stephanie ong hui min
charis:you can actually pronounce her initials
herrick:yeah sohm sounds damn stupid
herrick:HOW'S mine

it's wang2 wei1 xiong2 and liu2 xin1 ni2. 2+1+2+2+1+2=10/10 ???

charis thinks that my sis doesn't look like me, except for the come-hither look, which is defined as:
inviting or enticing, esp. in a sexually provocative manner; beckoning: a come-hither look.

the look which i'm told i always have. but seriously, charis looks like she's more provocative. i'm sure.

why i feel so accomplished.

2007-08-12T14:06:00.000+08:00

Your new unit: Singapore Infantry Brigade, 2
Vocation: ASA(Trainee)

Alright! outta that 1 SIR hell!

3 simple steps to post out.
1. conceal and display attitude at the right times
2. actively engage in subversion.
3. come from a jc.

2 sib is my dad's unit, back in his time. now its mine. i don't suppose people will touch me as much cos they're under 2 sib. they should be giving me the respect soon. hmph.

and on the bookout book, its gotta be so cool. reason for bookout was listed as Public Holidays + OFF on Friday + POST OUT. time and date which i book in? i put 2 neat hyphens there. pure elation.

everyone's ord-ing in my unit, but i'm posting out, and it gives me almost as much joy.

2007-08-04T19:05:00.000+08:00

haven't you pondered this curious phenomenon before? as a normal civilian/ student, you're so healthy and fit. when u enlist, u start to have lots of weird anomalies that erupt, as though they were waiting to emerge on the day of enlistment. and then you arrange for all those weekly medical appointments, and then you start plucking our your wisdom teeth bla bla bla.

we were at ocs preparing for an exercise when the previous dys3 came in. being from an 'allied' branch of course sgt toh talked to him and filled him in about our s2 branch personnel.

"s2 posted out, there's the new s2 over there.
i'm still around, but not for long. gonna quit soon.
dys2 disrupted for studies.
3sg ben disrupted for studies
3sg addison gonna clear his lots of leave and off, won't see him after next week
3sg muheng ord in a month, will be gone soon.
lcp cher wee's disrupted for studies and left already
that's herrick, the new int clerk who replaces cher wee, but he's posting out soon."

good day to u!

my new boss is luckily not the atrocious kind of people. in fact i think he's very nice. i feel he's very sincere. he felt bad that we skipped our dinner so gave us some money to buy dinner. but addison and muheng had different views to this.
addison thought that its really not necessary, as we're doing our job after all. he doesn't really owe us or have to feel bad.
but muheng thought that, well, its normal, to be expected. since we stay to do his work.
hmmm...i'm rather okay with everyone in branch. although its small, but apparently there were lots of politics too. but then again, i'm new, and everyone treats me okay. i'm not much of an ass. not like my upperstudy. when asked how people view him, this noun comes up so often 'fucker', spoken as if with a spit. interesting history there.

doesn't matter. i'm posting out soon. when and where i don't know. but i'm almost sure it will never be as bad as my current unit ever again. surely, its got to be one of the worst places for an nsf..

on a cold windy night in brisbane

2007-07-29T00:53:00.000+08:00

what a pleasant surprise! si min called me today =) 4 more months and she'll be back. prob-lee wit' a weeeeeid arc-sen toi. and an enhanced capability for drink. probably would have outdone me by then!

how much is your dead body worth?

2007-07-14T20:02:00.000+08:00

$4565.00

Mingle² - Free Online Dating

time please fly

2007-07-13T23:29:00.000+08:00

i miss my best friend, who is in australia, who is so homesick. a year will pass soon, ain't it? well, it had better. cos i really miss her already.

we were so happy a year ago, at the peak of our love..

2007-07-10T18:33:00.000+08:00

perhaps i shouldn't have been so rash, but after the talk with the CO, i feel that he shown some understanding for my situation. basically a problem of miscommunication as he said, but i know what i did wouldn't have made anyone too happy. well, at least i raised up the problem, more or less.

watching my unit's 50th anniversary parade from the rooftop was kinda cool. it went on the news the next day, with so many bigwigs watching the parade. ns is 40, singapore is 42, and 1 SIR is 50. that's gotta rock.

and strangely, i dreamt a similar dream yet again. the hugs, the lip to lip. i swear i didn't think of you. not that much anyway. perhaps i'm lying to myself again. my dreams are so sparse in number, yet they must always be about you. but i guess i have something that i can keep inside of me, the wondrous, sensuous memories that were all at a climax, 1 year ago. i guess its my way of remembering, all without me knowing, but that leave me smiling.

why do people take things as it is? CHANGE.

2007-07-04T20:19:00.000+08:00

my unit doesn't respect medical excuses.
pes c9? physical training as per normal.
pes e9? well, why not, go ahead join the pt!

excused running, marching jumping and lower limb activities? well that's not an excuse for you not to run 5km per week for the half marathon practice!

excused prolonged standing? go right up behind, stand behind the main contingent for the entire duration of the parade until your legs give way or something?

i was told to accept it, as it has always been the way my unit works.

HECK, i got outraged and went to the medical officer to somewhat lodge an informal complaint("to seek medical advice pertaining to unit policy")..a day later, there were changes made. during the last parade, the csm kindly told us to show our medical excuses to them whenever there were such activities, so that the unit won't get maligned for abusing its soldiers, in essence. i'm not afraid of changes. i don't believe in people accepting things as they are. no i don't fear you.

an excerpt

2007-07-01T02:31:00.001+08:00

no lifer me

2007-06-27T20:26:00.000+08:00

i have this feeling, i'm gonna have a love-hate relationship with my new unit, my new life for the next 2 years.
this is how life is gonna be with effect 28/06/07:
1. wake up before 6 am and go for breakfast.
2. return to bunk do area cleaning
3. first parade; fall in at 7.45
4. go to office and slack until 5.25
5. go for dinner
6. play my DS from 7 all the way to at least 11 pm...
lights out...my bunk is more or less officially lights out at 1 am..haha

ran 5km today. totally shagged. with my excuses of rmj and lower limb, i don't even think i was supposed to walk. but i trudged through it, full of pain and sweat. my back was really dislocating and whatever. but oh well. i still finished like 3rd out of 20 hq ppl..guess its just that they could never be bothered anyway. can't say i'd be the same next week. for now i feel quite miserable i guess. perhaps due to this fatigue i've not experienced for so long. and here i am at home screaming at my unreasonable and crazy mum. really gets me fired up. i wonder why. hong zhi used to tell me whenever i talked to her she'll feel fired up too. i still don't know why the feelings of love turned to hatred. really miss her. not seen her for so so long.

no more dinners with u guys

2007-06-18T20:34:00.000+08:00

this is my new posting:

1 Singapore Infantry Regiment - S2 Branch(Security)

Intelligence Clerk.

(because i have it =P)

jokes aside its cos i have geography background and my job has to do with maps at times. that's what i figured out. and i've to stay in. wednesday nights off. oh well. my previous s1 and chief clerk fought a good battle, and the outcome was decided. i'll take it at that then.

messed up right now

2007-06-16T23:48:00.000+08:00

1 SIR!!!!!!!!! OH MY GODDDDD I'M NOW AN INFANTRY CLERK!!!!! bye sembawang....i've had good times, but it has to end now... have to adjust to mandai hill already... from gear and sword to a COBRA now....6 DIV INFANTRY la.....wa lao..........

went to esplanade library to watch a mini concert by french horns. with jian qi charis and corlis. corlis is charis' sister, and she's very very cute! enjoyed her company, she's so humorous and bright. could understand quite alot of stuff we were talking about! and kept insulting me and jian qi even though she's 8 years younger!

anyway i got an excuse sheet on friday. the medic who gave it to me was like "woah congrats, you've got a full house!" , simply because there were a few excuses which lasted 1 month:

Excused running, marching jumping,lower limb activities, heavy loads, prolonged standing, prowling. hahaha excused PROWLING!

and at last my dark eye rings are showing. i've gotten away with it for the past 2 years.

thanks to everyone at HQ 1 SAF Transport Battalion. especially my chief clerk and my upper studies hao yi and gary and everyone else in S1 branch for taking care of me and treating me like one of your own even though i'm a LOBO still. it's my last day as a driver already...officially will be Admin Support Assistant on 180607. and alot will depend on luck.

after my unit haggled with CPC and 1SIR over me for so long, i guess my value has gone up pretty high. i aim to be a Corporal First Class. that should say alot about me then. Better yet, admin Specialist. 21 more months to go, it'll pass soon, as they say. and i'll learn alot more about human behaviour.

3 months soldier

2007-06-14T00:10:00.000+08:00

there goes everyone, passing out of tekong, out of that hellhole.
only to wake up knowing it can only get no better

there goes everyone, being promoted to private, after that torture.
but wouldn't they rather stay as recruits. think.

there goes everyone, talking about the same stuff, about army.
do we never get sick of it? we do, but we don't.

there goes everyone, getting posting orders, going everywhere.
anywhere you go you still get shit so don't ever bother complaining, PLEASE.

there goes my upperstudies, teaching me so much, letting me learn.
but can i even stay or do i go as per posting order?

Stay-in Soldiers: wa lan eh why i book in every week once only damn it la
Stay-out Soldiers: wa lan eh why i have to book in every single day damn it la

Stay-in Soldiers: Lucky my transport expenses are mostly free. tonner everyday. zzz
Stay-out Soldiers: I take train and bus to work everyday. so darn expensive if u go calculate!

Hence, it seems like a bad thing to stay out huh. But i'm still gonna attempt to get my 'excuse stay-in' status this friday! cos the mattress is too soft and my back needs a mattress with support. so proud of myself because i never lied so far. R&D clerks don't lie anyway. haha. reliable news that HQ clerks also need to stay in for my unit. everyone's getting the excuse, but i don't really mind actually. Cycle home at 5.30. Play comp till 11.30. Cycle back to camp before 2359. Wake up at 7.30 and start work at 8. seriously i won't mind. but they'll need to find a bed for me first. there's no vacancies that i know of. sigh mandai hill..i don't want to go to you on monday..hope for the best..prepare for the worst..

now's my turn to say "I WILL CHARGE YOU"

2007-06-08T19:17:00.001+08:00

got my posting on monday which left me depressed for that day.

1 SIR Admin Support Assistant

i was feeling so screwed..screwed as in mandai hill ulu isolated desolated stay-in screwed up ppl screwed.

but then i felt comforted cos my chief clerk vowed to keep me in his unit, in that same office i'm in, even if it took a war with the other unit. so he is fighting for me, to stay in his branch. meanwhile he made me R&D understudy. my 2 upperstudies are really nice mentors, might be abit strict especially with my tendencies to sleep during lunch hours, but really tell me alot about this job of REGIMENTATION AND DISCIPLINE. (not research&development)

and i have been advising ppl not to go awol(absent without official leave) not because of a sincere forthcoming altruism but simply because that translates to extra work for me. i do not want to cancel a dinner with a friend simply because some guy went awol and i have to start a chain of reports and work overtime because of that bugger.
SO PLEASE, I AM SADISTIC BUT DON'T LET ME BE THE ONE 'CHARGING' YOU

oh well i once had jokingly expressed that i wanted to be an r&d clerk and laugh at ppl getting charged..seems that i'll have my 21 months of laughing at them..and i was so shagged after returning home at midnight the previous day after an exciting dinner with a bunch of friends that i collapsed on an office table the next day. my boss saw me slumped onto the desk and gave me a stern warning. today she came in and pleaded for me to not sleep especially that now i'm 'an r&d clerk leh'. i felt so bad after being warned yesterday, i just slept from 8 pm to 7 am!! madness!

but i will be a highly regimental and disciplined regimentation and discipline clerk for everyone to see. and i will never go awol, because i don't want to file my own charge report EVER, this i vow..

message of the day(initiated by REC HERRICK ONG) found on my office board:

Familiarity breeds productivity
productivity breeds efficiency
efficiency breeds teamwork
teamwork breeds familiarity
familiarity breeds babies.

danke sehr

2007-06-03T01:55:00.000+08:00

come june 5th, i would have done nothing in the army for 2 months. but learnt much, i would have.

they say army kills your social life. but it probably has quadrupled it. going out an average of 3 days out of 5 workdays. not forgetting the offpasses.

heard of people complaining about the hour long trips to camp? i can walk out at 7.20 and reach camp by 7.40, which makes me 20 min earlier. i wonder why i don't leave at 7.30 instead. so i am lucky. and i am grateful.

looking at my band today, all of them have shaved heads. here i am using wax on my armani-styled hair. i am fortunate.

i am glad for all my friends who continuously give me so support and keep me company. for my primary school friends who can talk about literally everything to me. from love to work to family to love. to ann who makes me feel like a loser when i start sobbing about my ex and lets me hide at her house. to xinle who talks about supposedly interesting stuff and shares her unrealistic and materialistic expectations for her next boyfriend which makes me feel like shit, to carina who never fails to mention her girlfriend which gives me the cringe and induces homosexual tendencies in me.

(curious, i don't really have sec sch friends hah)

and to my jc class girls who never fail to last minute abandon our outings or turn up late....

THANK YOU. why am i typing a sarcastic entry without feeling it. i think my heart still hurts. so much that i expect to see a cardiologist. HAHAHAHAHAHAHA

i remember when i lost my mind

2007-05-27T21:52:00.000+08:00

i must be crazy. i did damn well for an interview which is for a subject i have never professed a single quark of liking for. and its the only one i got accepted into.

how am i to take literature. when i have never enjoyed fiction, save the select few which have caught my sun-threatened squinty eyes.

its been way too long since i done literature in lower sec. i really am crazy. the only relevant modules i've seen are like improving writing styles and cold war literature. the rest of the thirty plus or so are as shakespearean to me as it can get. i really am getting nightmares seeing myself as a lit teacher. its just wrong. and nus is still processing my application? that's freaking inconsiderate considering how near the deadline is.

hey hey you you

2007-05-23T22:32:00.000+08:00

i probably would very much love to have you as my girlfriend..we live 2 blocks away and that should make sending each other home an easy task. hahahahahha

since enlistment,i've not felt any useful until today

2007-05-16T22:37:00.000+08:00

my boss praised me to the skies today, in front of another officer, while signing my off pass granted for an interview at ntu english lit.
some rough excerpts:
"an arts student; hence his command of english is very firm and powerful"
"he surely can help construct well-crafted sentences for your most important letters, very beautiful language"
"he is of higher quality,very educated,compared to the other people awaiting revocation"
"very hardworking, diligent, doesn't play MC stunts, go on AWOL or other nonsense, very well-behaved"
"he will be a very reliable clerk for you"

i've never been so flattered and embarrassed, seriously. i kinda laughed there. really is quite hilarious.

crashed..

2007-05-08T13:08:00.000+08:00

my comp keeps restarting. early on the workaround was to use system restore to rejuvenate it back to an earlier stage, but now the 'next' button refuses to do anything when clicked upon and so there's no way to go online now. the problem was that my bios was corrupted and holy! had to be removed. usually components will automatically detect themselves and install on a computer..which didn't happen, which is why i'll not be going online until i plough more days into fixing it or burn my pocket and get someone to do it.

but k damn i'm being referred to medical board. got c9l2. which means im going back to tekong one of these days. oh damn......and with my back and leg pain especially i have to go outfield. still trying my best to downgrade further with no end in sight. excused heavy loads 3 months excused boots 1 month from the MO. joy. and envy to everyone else.

on a sunday afternoon

2007-05-06T16:48:00.000+08:00

i spend 3 hours looking for a solution to solve my msn messenger.
i finally find it, and spend thirty minutes working on it.
along the way i found a couple of tweaks i could use.
i restart my comp.
it never got to windows, and kept crashing continuously.
i booted my windows from the disc.
i had to visit a restore point to go back to windows.
the thirty minutes spent on solving the issue, i've to spend it again.

now i hope the process doesn't repeat itself ever again. afterall, that's not the point of warm annoying sunday afternoons. its not helping matters. i know i can fix my computer problems but don't do this to me its far too cruel! for now, that my comp is back to sanity i fear the next time i restart my comp.

From Pes A to D to B to E. why can't they just give me F?

2007-05-02T21:19:00.000+08:00

1 year ago on may day i got attached to the girl of my dreams. i never regretted loving you though its been months since you broke up with me. it really struck me when xie zheng told me of his breakup not too long ago. i could almost feel my tears welling up for him and myself. i was officially down and out for 2 months, and could never fully get over it for all the months that've passed so far, all for a relationship that lasted close to 7 months.

his was 3 years. i really don't know how to console him. i already feel like a miserable bloke, i'm sure he feels much worse than me..why must life be like this. now i see in him, myself half a year ago. really strickens me. i really can't bear to see him go on like this..

well there's bad news for me, because i went for my orthopaedic appointment, and its true, there is a L4/5 disc protrusion(lower back) afterall. i went back to my office, and everyone was celebrating for me and wailing "Pes E" already. asked me to give them a treat, breakfast, lunch and dinner. what the hell..i took it like a personal tragedy la, while they were so happy for me, probably i am gonna have the coveted Pes E which they've been trying but could never reach...u know like a HOLY GRAIL of all PES statii(radius: radii ; status:statii lollll)! the doc didn't even explain the possible treatments...he stopped me from inquiring because its too risky. so until my condition worsens to a terminal stage, i only have physiotherapy, and painkillers to numb my pain. although i have not noticed any benefits from physiotherapy but don't mind cos its time off from office. painkillers. they take away the physical pain. but i'm always hoping for one which removes the sensation from your emotions. so that it doesn't hurt inside. just because whatever hurts inside is way too much to even make you oblivious to the real-world pain you feel. but we are so mortal, so vulnerable to the forces within. really, what's the point of it all?

This song has been activated on infinite loop in my head ever since that day. there's always a song for everyone.
Blurry

Everythings so blurry
And everyones so fake
And everybodys so empty
And everything is so messed up
Pre-occupied without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that Ill protect you
From all of the obscene
I wonder what your doing
Imagine where you are
Theres oceans in between us
But thats not very far

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
When ya shoved it in my face
This pain you gave to me

Can you take it all away
Can you take it all away
When ya shoved it my face

Everyone is changing
Theres noone left thats real
To make up your own ending
And let me know just how you feel
Cause I am lost without you
I cannot live at all
My whole world surrounds you
I stumble then I crawl

You could be my someone
You could be my scene
You know that I will save you
From all of the unclean
I wonder what your doing
I wonder where you are
Theres oceans in between us
But thats not very far

[chorus]

Nobody told me what you thought
Nobody told me what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Told you where to runaway
Nobody told you where to hide
Nobody told you what to say
Everyone showed you where to turn
Showed you where to runaway

[chorus]

This pain you gave to me

You take it all
You take it all away...
This pain you gave to me
You take it all away
This pain you gave to me
Take it all away
This pain you gave to me

what our army needs--look below

2007-04-29T18:33:00.000+08:00

2 twisted songs

Training to be soldiers
Fight for our land
Once in our life
2 yrs waste of time (2 yrs of our time)
Have U ever wondered
Y muz we serve
Cuz we have no choice,and we lan lan have to serve,have to serve(cuz we love our land and we wanted to be free)

---------------

930, in the shower
bent down to, scrub my toes
felt a pain, in my backside
it was my buddy with his rifle in me =)

-------------------

and finally, every soldier's dream....ahhahaha. so cute!!!

Divinitus - from Rome:Total War

2007-04-29T01:31:00.000+08:00

hope u enjoy this graceful piece as much as i did. from rome:total war.

Divinitus
hellatorius victorialis (warlike; victory)
erastus necessitas (lovers; death)
honararius despondeo (honour; despair)
spiritus obdormio (life; death)
patriota gladiator (country; fighter)
afflictio ommento (pain; waiting)
divinitus salutaris (heaven; salvation)
furtivus libertas (furtive love; freedom)

watch a play every single day! if not, act your own.

2007-04-25T18:52:00.000+08:00

my good friend, ling jew yueh is reading his O level history textbook. I just had to ask why didn't Hitler exterminate him. Afterall he's a Jew(literally in name).

then, he wanted to say throw the blade into your flesh. his pronounciation, being substandard, led to it turning out as throw my brain into your flesh.

he wanted to look up 'malingering' in the dictionary. i just chanted ma-LING-gur-LING.

we wouldn't have had so much fun if not for his LINGuistics.

today a guy with the initials W S Ong came in. my twin. his name? Ong Wee Siang. haha.

yesterday a guy cried, threw tantrums and went mad. well, to me, he was merely over-reacting and exaggerating his emotions to get what he wanted. which was 'excuse stay-in'. he's such a whiner. and a loser. i just have to say it.

and the day before, this reservice corporal came looking for my boss. he appeared polite and well-mannered. the minute he entered her office he started shouting at her. really dumb. he's getting charged , probably for disobedience of general orders and insubordination.

alright, there's no reason for me to use profane language anymore. my office is made up of civilised people, where i speak proper english, without needing to add in singlish to make myself fit in. afterall, the requirements for the CO or RSM Personal Assistant is A level and fluent English. i need to stop being a beng. i can look like one, but i must not be one. yes, that shall be my resolution over the month. i know i can do it. because if i look like beng, i will surely be dragged to be RSM PA. good thing about that is, anyone who treads on my toes, suffers a horrible death xD but at the end of the day, if i dun become a PA, i'll wanna work as R&D clerk. i had thought it to be Research and Development, but non siegneur, it means Regimentation and Discipline. It basically means, i'm in charge of filing charges and sending the offenders to the Detention barracks, located somewhere in Yew Tee. hehe. when i told everyone i can then laugh in their face they called me a sadist. hehe.

but firstly, i must get downgraded to pes e, get revocated as a clerk, get retained in my camp. if this dun happen all my dreams are dashed. simple. and chee wei, get well soon. im a brokeback driver and you're a brokeback soldier. let's be clerks-in-arms. haha.

Vo-la---reeeeeeee!!

2007-04-22T12:51:00.000+08:00

What an MRI scan reveals about back pain
When a physician orders an MRI scan, there is specific information that he or she is looking for. Information that is typically gleaned from MRI results include:

Spinal alignment
Disc height and hydration
Vertebral body configuration
Intervertebral disc - how does the disc appear? Is it normal, bulging, herniated, dehydrated or degenerated?
Spinal canal size - is it sufficient to comfortably accommodate the spinal cord and nerves? Is there spinal cord or nerve root compression?
Nerves - are the nerves “pinched” (compressed) or inflamed anywhere?
Abnormalities - are there any abnormalities near the spine that might simulate spinal pain?
Spinal cord - is the spinal cord normal in physical appearance?
If post-surgery - has anything changed since surgery? Is there another disc herniation, postoperative scarring or infection?

Often, based on the patient’s medical history and physical exam, the treating physician will already have an idea of what he or she is looking for on the MRI scan results.

so i did my MRI on wednesday. the process is all about lying still for half an hour. the moment it started, my right rib muscle started cramping. always happens. there's lots of thumping, banging, knocking, heat-wave weaponry sounding devices and all sorts of science fiction sound effects. i was quite afraid if the mri turned out negative; i'd be charged for malingering and the sentence is kinda steep. but after talking to a few colleagues i realised my problem is rather bad it can't be faked. after reading about mri and back pains and leg pains i still arrive at a possible diagnosis. call it a slipped disc, bulging nerve, ruptured disc, herniated disc whatever you will, maybe even pinched nerve. they all sound as scary with the debatable exemption of pinched nerve. but pinched nerve is what i fear the most, because its the manifested pain in the leg. bummer. hurts so much i'll be on painkillers until i get diagnosed accurately and maybe get a surgery.

so far the people in the army i've met have said that i'm smart. using my back pathology to put me out of course, to get out of my current vocation, to delay the period for revocation while pending my results, to have let me pretty much do nothing much military for the past 1 month (and the upcoming one too). regardless, its only because i wanted the army to pay for that damned mri, and i didn't want to have forked out a single cent because it wasn't worth it. and in the process of getting it, well, i got my break. i waited one whole month since enlistment just to get the mri. i'll be waiting a fortnight for the results, and maybe another two weeks for a very-likely revocation to the post of clerk. and i already know my boss wants me to stay put in her office; she needs clerks. i'm one of 4 LOBOs(informal term: left out of battalion orders) but its obvious she's doing her best to put them as fit for driving as possible while putting me as unfit as possible. they have medical conditions too, but she just doesn't want them. the reason is due to education. it is really just THAT. my other lesser boss, the chief clerk had thought me to be on the same level as 'them' too. but when i saw him at amk hub and told him i went back to aj for the funfair, his face betrayed him. literally glittered with a bliss of 'i didn't know you were from aj!' hah. now that's 2 bosses wanting me for the office. and i want to be in that office because its really one of the slackest places you can hope to work in, right in the army.

yes the army has done many things to me. it made me depressed, made me a demented soul, amongst other debilitating effects. but my office ppl are kinda helping me get back to life. my classmates commented that i'm now a person who's full of stereotypes. haha. i just can't help it now. with statements like '75% mat, 25% ah beng' i'm really going nowhere. company 'korm-per-nee' is another word i keep repeating to much self-amusement and delight. but rather than appearing as a racist because the differences really are everywhere and kind of accentuated, i think i've become more understanding of everyone.

its been a full year since i last went singing at kbox, and it was with hong zhi. yesterday i went with a few of my classmates, really enjoyed it alot. thank you for the music haha. though i can shamelessly proclaim myself as the most musically inclined singer wahahhaha. 6 hours of singing madness. 6 hours of screaming and uncommon expressions, all at the expense of caryn, charlene and jian qi. wee liang was my buddy in crime. the funniest part was when wee liang randomly selected a song called volare by zhang fei. its an italian song which no one ever heard of before, but i just took it up and started piecing the song together by noticing the chord patterns...i must have been possessed! i'm amazed at my own talent! ahahahhaha....shameless...i think i'll go buy the Elder Scrolls IV: Oblivion by the end of this week and pray it works on my comp!

i miss my bunkmates on tekong :(

2007-04-18T22:41:00.000+08:00

i called my bunkmates for the first time since i left about two weeks ago.

they were hurling 'niceties' and 'pleasantries' at me.

i was definitely too 'honoured' to have received their 'compliments'.

leaving the funnies aside, it was quite a thrilling experience for me at home and for them on their little island. everyone seemed enraged, according to jason, who did not miss a bit of me. but they were more probably excited that i FINALLY bothered to call them. yup. i did ask them to ask me along if they had an outing. they are going to :)

field camp starts this saturday for them i hope they do well. im worried about eugene, who got a recurring shoulder injury. it does sound serious, but he's not got much choice but to suffer it' be through with it while at training. bronco company became very harsh, treating my platoon mates like shit. far from the welfare. far from the neverlasting impressions. while me, i meditate about why i get to slack. nowadays i feel a sharp tinge of guilt thinking about my bunkmates. but i knew i'd get out of course. its like how u enter first three months and like it, but leave in the end because u knew u were supposed to belong somewhere else. that's the feeling.

i remember everyone treating me like godlike when i did just 5 pullups. i remember laughing at the 95% of ppl who came in at 14 min for 2.4km run. i remember laughing at how weak everyone was. but perhaps, this whole month has toughened them up. more so than me. if i really get downgraded to pes e, i'll be at the bottom of the caste already. useless, as i always say of the pes e. i'll be extremely useless.

right now, im content with the office. though many see me as scheming, intelligent and political, i do believe i'm enjoying the company of everyone who takes care of me very well. i'm so glad. there are people whom i can speak proper english to. there is an aj senior, a cat high senior. both of them i can feel for. and they do so for me. a bunch of jolly bunch. as i told them today, why should i scheme against someone who treats me nice? most of the people here i will never scheme against, because most of them are nice, except for SOME. and we nodded our heads in agreement and gave wry smiles. silent acknowledgements, very possibly of a common nemesis. well, in fact u can even think of them enlisting me on their side even at such an early stage of my career here. despite the unflattering comments i occasionally hear, i do believe my boss is a reasonable lady. and my chief clerk, he does like harassing us, even me.

a financial conclusion i reached:
when i'm spending my dad's hard-earned money, i utilise it frugally.
when i'm spending my own money, i waste it like water.

and my mum stopped giving me allowances cos im drawing a salary! and u know what that means!!!

now, my enemy number 1 is the group of WHORES,read it dublew-age-ou-arr-e-ass who stop you next to the mrt station gates and demand to know if you're an nsf. and why? because they want your money, no matter how little it is. dummkopf me was stopped the first time, almost stopped the second, and the third? i totally ignored it when that bitch dirtied my epaulettes by touching me and demanding my attention. i just walked through her. that fucking dirty whore. i'm spending my money, before any of you gets to it! fwah-ha-ha! i just wanna scold some obscure obscenities right now but i can't think of any cos its just a waste of my brain cells. i do better saving them up for philosophical and sociological debates in the office. yes, and to indirectly make people feel inferior. i've got to change. its hurting people, and its hurting me eventually because i hate to hurt anyone except the posse of conwomen out there masquerading as financial advisors. i ain't need neone to teach me howta use my money. i'll just dump a few on the floor and i know you will pick them up just like you've been doing your whole sad life.

yes and im getting more irritable and uptight than ever. i'll be asking for a psychologist or counsellor soon, as long as it gets me a few offpasses a month. hah. i've lots of issues within me to settle. a score to settle with myself. i'm too busy fighting myself i dun think i'll be bothered fighting anyone else. i'm just going crazy. but there's no way out because you just end up in a tighter spot every turn you take. so just grit and go on.

whining about whiners

2007-04-15T21:12:00.000+08:00

i just want to bitch. its been a while since i left cat high as a relief teacher, but recently i have heard some very unpleasant comments by my students..its useless fighting back cos it makes me a retard. i've tried explaining my rationale, my reasons for the things i did and the way i was, and no, they don't get it still, leaving me seething with anger, but i'm letting go because they're just a bunch of ill-mannered angsty teenagers. yes, i'm judgmental NOW. yes, to put it bluntly the worst students in their level. academically and attitude wise, totally sucks.

some 'facts' i found out:
1. i taught nothing in cat high.
first sign of ungratefulness. they complained i was constantly giving out worksheet after worksheet. but hell, your teacher was slow in giving them out and that's my order to give them out and go through a bit. and what exactly do i need to teach for english, none of my superiors would say. they just referred to that pile of worksheets that was scaling a dangerous height. so that's for my side. for their side, i never received more than a quarter of the class's worksheets after the first assignment, which took like 4 days to get together. so i never went through 90% of the stuff. fair.
2. i'm the reason why half the class failed english.
haha, not quite, especially since i was there to mark. the first thing that was on my table were scripts i took the whole new year to mark. just a simple functional writing that took up maybe 20% of the whole paper. the other components were marked by their teacher. and which they did very badly in i must say. compre grade of 7/25 was kinda high for them. so anyway i marked generously, giving them a good 17 to 20/30 for each, for their kind of standard. and they still blamed me for them failing english!
3. i'm the reason everyone(mostly) failed their assignment component for mid-year.
seriously they were penalised badly for not adhering to the requirements. all i did was to go by the book and fail them accordingly. i told one guy i could have gave generously, passing everyone and like make their day, and be remembered as the best (relief) teacher. of course i know i could have. but they wouldn't have learnt. anyway that component was kinda minor and they were making noise like little girls do. not to mention my kind leniency in marking late work(1 week plus is more than late) and yet not penalising.
4. i'm inexperienced and so i know nothing about marking.
they couldn't stop whining about my inexperience, my age. of course i know i'm the youngest teacher there. that's why i never stopped asking how to do things i'm supposed to do. the way i marked, really was fair. and supervised by my superior. i even gave everyone extra marks lah. super generous can. i kept asking questions. and made damn sure they were done the way it was to be. and they were done in the same likeness. (in fact i was able to replicate the marking standard to a standard so high up experienced in my time, i was asked to be generous and add like 2 marks to every paper. that's when i knew standards had dropped drastically in the last 4 years)

so i dun want to go back to teach a bunch of ingrates anymore =/
i was quite keen on teaching in a girls' school actually. now i'm more certain i'd wanna do that. they are more empathic. so am i. i don't know how to deal with a bunch of lazy fools blaming everyone for their plight. but yeah, of course there are those who thanked me..for giving them better welfare than their teacher..cos they're getting punished right now for not doing work, all the shit that cat high boys do..after all i was one of them..sigh..just hope they'll learn. bitch about me all you want but seriously learn something while at it if possible. even if your debating skills and oratory can be fine-tuned when you whine about me...

permanently damaged.

2007-04-14T20:48:00.000+08:00

i wish you'll be nicer to me still. everyone of you.

its been 1 month since i enlisted

2007-04-13T17:59:00.000+08:00

now the WHOLE office is doing it : CAPTAIN SEOW! SIR! DR SEOW!

AHHHHHHHH!!! but they're nice la, many of them. especially since i'm 'the captain'. like, when its raining, they'll walk me with the umbrella. i dun even need to ask.

and when i need any clarification they'll just help me with it.

when i'm bored and i need to shred paper they'll let me do it.

when i need someone to talk to, there's always someone around.

on the other hand....

when they need an MC they come to me.

when they wanna look for someone to comment about, its almost always about me. and its like half the office is doing it.

omg this Cpt. Seow thing is driving me crazy. no doubt its fun, for them and for me...but i dun wanna get into trouble; what if an officer comes in and hears this captain seow.. haha but i'm sure they accord me more respect than a recruit deserves, all because i look like captain seow.
to disprove my alleged connection, i brought 2 aj yearbooks to show them. they could not find me. and were shocked to find that i'm so good-looking...as all of them put it. previously, i saw such comments as insincere etc. but i started to change today. i had difficulty with praises and encouragements. this time, i took it in earnest, though they still had to convince me they weren't lying. i guess this 2 years will be a waste of time, but not an excuse to degenerate in character. but it doesn't mean i can't develop traits to defend myself..such as political mastery...

this guy was smirking at me and said i look scheming today. his name is raymond choo, and he looks kinda plump. also known as Agent R by the Malaysian, jew yueh. i asked raymond to counterscheme my scheme. LOL. he also asked me who he thought was the harmless in the office, wanting me to say its him. obviously it's me, duh! jew yueh calls him ah bui. as in, R, for raymond, bui for FAT. ahahhaa...aka bui bui...while jew yueh has problems with english and even i take potshots at him now and then..i wonder why i'm still talking irrelevantly and without organisation.

oh another random point. more ppl point to me, especially young boys. today one indian kid of about 5 asked his dad while pointing at me 'is that a soldier' and asked if my uniform needed starching and other intelligent questions. totally wowed by him. and other infants in prams also look at me, in awe or in terror i dun know. there's always a certain reverence young boys have for soldiers but as they grow they will realise its not just about military training..anyway i enjoy scaring the poly guys with long stylish kim moh. this category of ppl never fail to look at me, and always go away looking dumbstruck. in the end, we're all ugly people.

i'm a jc driver!!

2007-04-11T19:15:00.000+08:00

S1 Branch-Manpower Office. This office which i am attached to always seems overstaffed, but everyone has a valid appointment, i wonder why. i described to my mum what i do there everyday: stone and rot, go for toilet breaks, go for breakfast and lunch breaks, read storybooks, talk cock and laugh until 5.30. oh did i mention i ask for work to do? and the worst thing is, there is NONE to be done! good thing, there is a jolly band to hang out with there. but i must admit the people there are weird. for me to find somebody else weird, that person must be weirder than me. right? their kind of weird is that they have at least 2 personalities. one moment, they are extremely caring, educating you in the style of work, how to slack off and other techniques. the other moment they will insult you(for fun i guess), and you'll be wondering HUH?

anyway there's no need for me to establish a presence there. they have done so for me. sembawang has only one Medical Officer for army personnel and his name is Dr Seow. Apparently, EVERYONE thinks i look like Dr Seow. and often fantacise that i'm him. so they will come look for me for MC. it doesn't help that the S1 ppl also introduce their 'doctor' to other personnel when they drop by. i pointed out that the similarity between me and him was the number of pimples on our faces! that's all!! but i heard he's a very caring doctor. and so optimistic, he declared me fit for driving despite my valid reasons for wanting out.."you never know until you try...instructor beside you at all times, you'll be very safe.." lucky my S1 declared me unfit. so for now, everyone should think of me as a nice guy, cos Dr Seow is one very nice guy.

i noticed weird looks and giggling from that bunch today. they asked me questions like 'do people throw stones at you when you go out" or "have you been assaulted while on the streets?" it didn't take me two moments to reply nonchalantly, "oh you mean i have a kiam pah face?" then they all giggled again. some guy wrote 'K_CK ME PLS' and handed it to me, asking me to fill in the vowel. i just told them, everyone i knew thinks so too, and they probably were amused again. some guy kept saying i dun look like a jc student. i found out that he thought i looked like some 'below O level standard of education' dropout or whatever.

but many others tell me 'you have the standard jc look. one look and i know you're from jc. it's obvious.' and i know that's not a very good thing. but i can't be too concerned with it, neither can i do anything about it. except acting both dumb and smart , which makes me appear dumb if you know what i mean. i'm letting them know i'm somewhat weird by giving incoherent responses. and its very deliberate. it's sometimes classifiable as dry humor, the things we laugh in common. for now, they're expecting me to play out the typical jc stereotype. haha. i'll see how i can keep up to that image of mine. and as usual, i've an aj senior and a cat high senior there, not that i know them, but it always helps. that's the good thing about army. somehow you'll find people that belong. even my section on tekong, has an aj and a cat high guy. its amazing.

lastly, they told me a jc driver is super rare. i used to tell my sis how the ITE graduates get thrown into drivers, the whole bunch of them. laugh, and get your just desserts. but i'm kinda proud of it now, at least i'm doing something none of my friends are doing. i'm like 70% sure i'll get revocated to a clerk though, cos army still sticks to educational level deployment. but a great guy in the office told me the conventions have been overturned recently. the ITE and ragtag mishmash now end up in the combat units, those requiring supposed higher education to understand, but i dun think so. while there's been a pioneer batch of jc drivers. at the end of the day it doesn't really make a difference so yeah nothing big. that's the reason why chee wei's the few jc guys in 3SIR, and the rest are the geylang-frequenters and such. i feel fortunate. not cos its slack, but cos my office has this thing called ren qing wei. i like my office. its one of the most comfortable and cosy ones. i've seen sparse ones. many of them. and i know office politics is something that is kept to a few and to a low level.

to summarise what i basically do everyday:
i reach 15 min before reporting time 7.45 am
i look at everyone coming back from fall in parade 8.05 am
i stare at random people 8.30 am
i go for breakfast 9.00 am
go back office relac one corner 9.25 am
(shred a few pieces of paper if there's any)
go for a super heavy lunch 12.00 nn
go to the learning cafe and sleep 12.20 pm
wake up go back office 1.30 pm
look for anything to do, be it pasting, filing, hole-punching, SHREDDING AND MORE SHREDDING! 1.45 pm
realise there's nothing to do, start talking nonsense and laugh 2.00 pm
feel excited that i'm going home in 30 mins' time 5.00 pm
go home! 5.30 pm

and it repeats everyday..and get this...not that i wanna slack, but there's really nothing to do! its kinda pathetic, that i beg for work to do. LOL.

what's a birthday without you singing me my song..

2007-04-09T22:06:00.000+08:00

a very big thank you to si min waye ning mrs toh melvin marian jesper and hou teng for remembering :)

i got my transport badge. today it says reliable, efficient, professional leh!! and this unit still has all the vestiges of their previous home base, simon road camp. i mean, they even transplanted this bright orange sign "SIMON CRESCENT", and that's the name of the road leading up to my unit. isn't that too much!!

my somewhat official day as LOBO(dun know what it means, its just another term for an OOT like me) started, had a talk with my chief clerk. quite interesting. the other LOBO posted out, leaving me with this guy who keeps repeating 'fucking cheeee bye' amongst other stuff. in army u really meet ALOT of ppl. and by this, i mean ppl who are kinda screwed up. really fucked up ppl. okay so what i did today was to rot. and i finished all the yearbooks, magazines, leaflets, propaganda sheets, inspirational storybooks whatever not. i've read them all. good thing i have library books to read.

and i just bought rome total war for 9.90. its like a gamers' dream come true. even brothers in arms is 12.90. i will buy them up when i get bored of the ones i have. which will be a long time from now. haha.

make war not love

2007-04-06T22:35:00.000+08:00

fought a game of total war today.
my force of 300 was laying siege to a castle with a garrison of 100. but a reinforcement army of 700 arrived to assault my siege forces. and i still prevailed LOL???

here's how.
half my force was made up of archer militia, the others were light cavalry and spearmen militia. so i basically rained arrows on the castle garrison which rushed out so happily, using my melee force to wipe up the mess while waiting for the main enemy army of 700 to assault my 300. so i lay in wait in the forest, advancing my archers. the computer sends out the forces in several deployments that average my total strength. so all i had to do was to evade as long as possible, and lay missile fire onto the impending troops. they would be routed under heavy missile fire, and retreat to the castle while the other troops continue on their attack. my main melee force was sent upfront only when the enemies got too close to my archers. and so my light cavalry was rather extinguished, about 80% casualties. wave after wave i rinsed and repeated, hoping to inflict as heavy the casualties as could be to weaken the overall strength. turns out that the reinforcement army went on a retreat and after the battle all the forces were disbanded.

and i won the siege and got the castle on the enemy's turn!? the casualty percentage was about 40% to 60%. so for every soldier i lost, the enemy lost about 3 soldiers. go archers go! you can never go wrong with archers. medieval 2 total war is simply too fun! though i seem to have lost out on the enjoyment especially after i came back from that rock. hong zhi is coming back soon! and i got to chat to her online!!! so happy. haha.

xavier was probably being driven mad by me at the concert. i was throwing f-words at ppl sitting behind me, practising my newly acquired expletives and perfecting their usage etc...good thing my boss now is a woman, so at last! no more vulgarities from my superiors. we saw a hot girl at subway. she kinda knew she's hot, and probably used it well to her advantage. she's so hot that i saw an adult ogling at her, top to bottom, bottom to top. sorry for being so random.

and charis is still as hot as ever though i've not seen her for at least over a month. hot chick.

hong zhi should be becoming hotter cos she surely will have put on some weight. haha.

dear girl

2007-04-05T23:39:00.000+08:00

i've missed you so, my friend. all the times we spent idling on the phone.
which was what we could not do for the last one month half
but which i hope we'll always do when you come back..
2 years of boredom and insanity. and i hope you'll pull me through.
cos i've always let you do it.
please would you promise me.

i really felt so horrid without your company, your comfort.
you said you were a lousy girlfriend
you said you were a lousy best friend
you never believed in yourself
you never knew how much sway you held over me

bet you didn't know you have been the best friend i ever have known
you have impacted me profoundly
our lives crossed at some point
mine irreversibly changed as a result
for better or worse, i don't care but

i only want an eternal friend like you..

3 more days to book out day!

2007-03-27T08:32:00.000+08:00

this is damn unexpected, but due to certain circumstances, i am still in tekong, but have gotten access to the computer, and with it, the essential internet.

in summation:
1. i am now out of training. OOT, as i am known by. but not out of tekong, unfortunately :( my back problem is getting worse with every load i lug or lift. but anyway its been given to me the following exemptions-no running, marching, jumping, heavy loads for 4 weeks. so i'm in smart 4 every day.
2. my bunkmates are nice people.
3. i got into a warrant company. hence, its the sergeants who get much of the rap when anything goes wrong. recruits are fairly absolved from blame.
4. i am sometimes known by a few friendly sergeants as the COS(company orderly sergeant) cos i can take on all his responsibilities fairly well. HAHA. and recruits call me sergeant cos i'm at the window. and i'm as kao bei as the COS's themselves. lol.
5. i'm growing fat.
6. i'm going to the medical officer once every few days.
7. i get to charge my phone, but both the batteries my mom gave me are faulty and hence this point is irrelevant
8. i have played advance wars on the office computer with the sergeants, or at least have played, and acted as a tactician to a few of them cos all of them can't play it well.
9. i get to bring all the extra night snacks to my bunk mates, and as i prepared sufficient food before enlisting, i have quite a bit of diversions to get me by this coming-to 2 weeks
10. i spend most of my time reading, eating, going to toilets, talking cock, waiting to see the Medical Officers, explaining to people how i am NOT a chao keng, listening to people whining, waiting(for no specific reason), and getting scolded on behalf of the OOTs while i actually do the most work the most efficiently!!!FUCKKKKKKKKKK
11. i have gone outfield before, to the oil palm plantation on a commanders' course. (actually, as the OOT i was dispatched to man the water point for the master sergeants and the like.
12. i have gone back to the mainland!!!! once to the terminal to carry stuff. another to the discovery centre. its totally boring and not worth the visit, but the journey to and fro gave lots of time off from point number 10, and gave me extra time to sleep. so its actually a good deal.
13. i have seen less than 10 women LOL
14. i go around entertaining people by telling what the sergeants do always. such as "our most stern-faced platoon sergeant was trying to repeatedly feed potion to a full health pokemon....."(cos there's a gameboy emulator on the office comp located in D:/confidential/do not open/games/..) wahahaha
15. i'm getting the hang of the necessary skills in ns. delegating and relegating responsibilities, being seen at the right places at the right time, stealth, evasion, power play, making use of people who think they are making use of you(its symbiotic to the people who are being used actually), hooking up with the right people, etc etc. even backstabbing. the fellow OOTs do this quite often too. but they aren't as good at politics i guess. they are good at slacking and evasion and leaving others to mop up their mess. they are just a bunch of fuckers. and the reason why i want to get my vocation asap. most probably i'll get it by next week. and then i'll be out of tekong,95% chance. kenneth warned me about ns. i guess its real. i trust no one and everyone's to be treated as they deserve(usually like an asshole).

that's it for now. i guess only my sis and si min will be able to keep me sane for this period of time. i really miss them both :(

slipped disc!

2007-03-16T01:07:00.000+08:00

gym with jian qi in the morning. killed my back. good job, herrick.

went to aj to chat with ms zhu with jian qi and bel and charlene. ms zhu is hotter than ever! she is getting prettier and prettier by the day! and got suaned terribly by mdm ng. as usual, its amusing to them that im a geog teacher. lol. totally no correspondence. we chatted for like 4 hours?!!! yeah, its good seeing our dear beloved pretty geog teacher again!!!!

at night went out with the lao jiao. cw wl jq ht . ter going in 3 weeks later. let the pictures do the talking!

one of the pictures was taken by wee liang. can you guess which?

I'M GONNA MISS YOU, HAIR! i'm gonna miss my best friend! and all my other classmates and friends!!! take care sis. and please dun mess up my darling computer while i'm gone, dun lease all my games to them and leave me with minesweeper when i come back. no downloading of funny stuff please..only i know how to handle them and i certainly dun want to spend my precious weekends solving them...and mum please dun message me everyday thinking i'll get bullied

i'll be back in two weeks! off to my offshore island resort, all-expenses paid for. free flow of drink. haha. eat less, drink more. i love fruit punch and cordial!!!! i hate food!!!

sausage-eating, beer-swilling Imperial pudding-heads hah!

2007-03-14T03:31:00.000+08:00

my sis is still whining about why i always deserve better treatment, dun care about this and that etc. i dun actively pursue a policy of demoralise-and-destroy, but if there's ever such a thing, chances are, its self-inflicted. but why? if she had studied harder for psle at least, she probably would be talking the same language as me(not as in english/chinese). if only you had studied harder..there wouldn't be this rift..no perceived superiority/inferiority gap. Even you know there's such a thing in society. but hey, at least i'm not accentuating it. at least not to you. be grateful. i'm just leading my life..just rather different from my other cousins, different from you. i didn't want it that way. it just happened. not my fault that never looked through the poly courses and skipped right to the jc pages. think if this way, if everyone were in poly and u were in jc you'd think everyone despises you for *insert jc negative portrayal* too...life is never to be balanced..but everyone gets time to grow up..i still am too..and stop asking why i got all the good genes. as far as i see it, neither of my parents have any such good or smart genes so dun blame me for absconding with all of them..everyone has like the same number of chromosomes..you wouldn't want to have extra..you'd instead be stupid. hardly about genetics in these things. even good looks are rarely passed down. it's really not my fault i went to jc. i know i'm different, but it's not my fault!!!!!!!!!!zzzzzz--------

on a lighter note, enlistment's this friday, the 16th of march. notice, *lighter note*. i'm about to lose my freedom as a civilian, and yet the confinement is strangely liberating. i'm about to get away from it all..on most days of the week. my attitude ought to change. when i am faced with physical demands, i'd say, "what could be worse than aj hockey training!" and when faced with mentally challenging tasks, i'd say, "what could be worse than 'A' levels!" and when faced with emotional turmoil, i'd say,"what could be worse than the breakup!" in a way its a healthy sense of oblivion and imperviousness i have regarding the world around me.

anyway i roughly know what to tell the medical officer on friday already(this is the full expanded damn long-winded edition, i will size it down as necessary) :

As you can see from both copies of the memo, my back pathology is more severe than is listed on official documentation, which classifies me under a PES B, with only slight mention of a lower back pain. However, it goes far deeper than that. Why this would be so is the fact that I have lost a great deal of flexibility and sudden erratic movements will cause a whole lot of pain to shoot down mylower right back and into my right leg, resulting in a profound numbing and piercing sensation, which is always an unwelcome experience. Not only that, but my back has been unable to cope with heavy loads, regardless of whether the initial posture for lifting the load is correct or not. The numbing and piercing sensation would usually start the next morning following prolonged stresses on my back, which can be just a mere 5 kg over a couple of hours. the pain usually lasts three days, but it is not uncommon to have it extended. Hence, with these symptoms, i set about inquiring about my condition. Although the causes of back pain are elusive as my specialist has informed me, I do believe it is due to my previous period of intense hockey training, of which tensile stresses are set up along the back muscles and backbone. regardless, the orthopaedist,neurologist and physiotherapist has determined that the one course i should take now is to request for a magnetic resonance imaging to be done up following an initial investigation. This is so, as I have a suspected slipped disc, and all other methods of diagnosis are either currently unavailable, or that there simply is little way to find out other than through the mri, of which i can ill afford on my own expense. (and now, the one phrase i have to sink into that guy's head)

It has been more than half a year and my condition is deteriorating. Apparently, the nerve bundle adjacent to the spine which runs down the spinal cord is being pressurised by an extrusion of the alleged slipped disc, the severe cases of which would lead to PERMANENT PARALYSIS. Hence you would not want to mess with me, and think i'm a fucking chao keng. You won't want to be held responsible for anything untoward, not to my parents.

anyway wee liang just told me the commanders are usually from poly so they wun understand what the heck i'm talking about. that's the good thing about the army. lol. but as long as they get intimidated.

im bringing my parents along to see the MO. and kenneth's going with me too. he'll ensure the MO is gonna piss in his pants. hah. if not for this dumb back ailment, i'd be more than happy thrashing everyone in running, sprinting, pull-ups etc. come on, we're all napfa failures. but at least i have gold for all stations except the sucky big jump. and i've a total of 25 points!!!WHAT THE FUCKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK and with my back i can't even get a pass for sit and reach anymore. its depressing. i used to reach 50 plus cm. touch my toes. touch the floor with my palm. force my forehead onto my knee...too much taunting of my classmates and i finally get retribution. sigh.

really, only one picture can describe the feeling:

arrOWnage.

arrownage

2007-03-13T02:50:00.000+08:00

oh alas! my turn comes in a matter of days, say three. the privileged life brakes to a halt, only to be replaced with that of toil and turmoil. anyway, to 'induce' me into the mood, i got this game which totally rocked, and puts me into the mood. medieval 2: total war, puts you in the seat of the one man controlling one of the varied factions. don't be fooled by the short/long campaign differences:a typical 'short' campaign WILL take at least a week for the casual gamer, and at most three days for one who plays about 12 hours a day! i've already finished with the English short campaign by conquering Scotland and France, but it's no walkover-the Papacy constantly intervenes. There was a point where my mortal enemies-the French, and the Imperials(Holy Roman Empire=Germans) dragged on an endless war, not only a military, and also a diplomatic war-ceasefire and declare war, rinse and repeat until done. The half-assed thing about this is that, they had allied with the Papacy, and had my faction excommunicated. Now the mad thing about being excommunicted by the Pope is that the Inquisition will then take place. In the game, all the Inquisitors do are to root out and exterminate your governors/generals all because they are not pious. In fact, they leave you murmuring the words 'unfair' and pump up lots of blood to your eyeballs. Hence, the Papal States, while not possessing the full territorial powers of empires, actually does have a very annoying and undeniable form of lowly existence. War is that cheap. Hah, anyway here are some screenshots. 1. enemy army being flanked on its right, so good day. 2. sign of the cross-let's take it as a homage to the whole lot of religious elements in the game. 3. arrownage. a hail of arrows on a fleeing soldier(at least he was before i took the screenshot). i noticed he had a headshot too. good game, i say. I have seen more, but failed to take related scenarios, such as the whole cavalry unit charging down on the sole swordsman etc..it just makes me laugh maniacally...the best thing is that you get to capture prisoners. I wanted my generals to build on their dread level, so i unswervingly had them summarily executed all at once, instead of ransoming them. i was even happier when i saw the royalty member on the top of the list, himself being worth 1000 florins in ransom, which in itself can buy you a fleet of quality warships already. of course i was glad to have him rest in my prisoners' camp, at my pleasure. i'd mouse over the execute button several times to hear all their pleas for mercy. Regardless, i know the last i heard from them was a painful death throe. and it makes me lol. (rhymes)

if world war II had been an online real-time strategy game..

2007-03-03T21:48:00.000+08:00

The chat room traffic would have gone something like this.

*Hitler[AoE] has joined the game.*
*Eisenhower has joined the game.*
*paTTon has joined the game.*
*Churchill has joined the game.*
*benny-tow has joined the game.*
*T0J0 has joined the game.*
*Roosevelt has joined the game.*
*Stalin has joined the game.*
*deGaulle has joined the game.*
Roosevelt: hey sup
T0J0: y0
Stalin: hi
Churchill: hi
Hitler[AoE]: cool, i start with panzer tanks!
paTTon: lol more like panzy tanks
T0JO: lol
Roosevelt: o this fockin sucks i got a depression!
benny-tow: haha america sux
Stalin: hey hitler you dont fight me i dont fight u, cool?
Hitler[AoE]; sure whatever
Stalin: cool
deGaulle: **** Hitler rushed some1 help
Hitler[AoE]: lol byebye frenchy
Roosevelt: i dont got **** to help, sry
Churchill: wtf the luftwaffle is attacking me
Roosevelt: get antiair guns
Churchill: i cant afford them
benny-tow: u n00bs know what team talk is?
paTTon: stfu
Roosevelt: o yah hit the navajo button guys
deGaulle: eisenhower ur worthless come help me quick
Eisenhower: i cant do **** til rosevelt gives me an army
paTTon: yah hurry the fock up
Churchill: d00d im gettin pounded
deGaulle: this is fockin weak u guys suck
*deGaulle has left the game.*
Roosevelt: im gonna attack the axis k?
benny-tow: with what? ur wheelchair?
benny-tow: lol did u mess up ur legs AND ur head?
Hitler[AoE]: ROFLMAO
T0J0: lol o no america im comin 4 u
Roosevelt: wtf! thats bullsh1t u $#%s im gunna kick ur asses
T0JO: not without ur harbors u wont! lol
Roosevelt: u little biotch ill get u
Hitler[AoE]: wtf
Hitler[AoE]: america hax, u had depression and now u got a huge fockin army
Hitler[AoE]: thats bullsh1t u hacker
Churchill: lol no more france for u hitler
Hitler[AoE]: tojo help me!
T0J0: wtf u want me to do, im on the other side of the world retard
Hitler[AoE]: fine ill clear you a path
Stalin: WTF u arsshoel! WE HAD A FoCKIN TRUCE
Hitler[AoE]: i changed my mind lol
benny-tow: haha
benny-tow: hey ur losing ur guys in africa im gonna need help in italy soon sum1
T0J0: o **** i cant help u i got my hands full
Hitler[AoE]: im 2 busy 2 help
Roosevelt: yah thats right ***** im comin for ya
Stalin: church help me
Churchill: like u helped me before? sure ill just sit here
Stalin: dont be an arss
Churchill: dont be a commie. oops too late
Eisenhower: LOL
benny-tow: hahahh oh sh1t help
Hitler: o man ur focked
paTTon: oh what now biotch
Roosevelt: whos the cripple now lol
*benny-tow has been eliminated.*
benny-tow: lame
Roosevelt: gj patton
paTTon: thnx
Hitler[AoE]: WTF eisenhower hax hes killing all my sh1t
Hitler[AoE]: quit u hacker so u dont ruin my record
Eisenhower: Nuts!
benny~tow: wtf that mean?
Eisenhower: meant to say nutsack lol finger slipped
paTTon: coming to get u hitler u paper hanging hun #$%@socker
Stalin: rofl
T0J0: HAHAHHAA
Hitler[AoE]: u guys are fockin gay
Hitler[AoE]: ur never getting in my city
*Hitler[AoE] has been eliminated.*
benny~tow: OMG u noob you killed yourself
Eisenhower: ROFLOLOLOL
Stalin: OMG LMAO!
Hitler[AoE]: WTF i didnt click there omg this game blows
*Hitler[AoE] has left the game*
paTTon: hahahhah
T0J0: WTF my teammates are n00bs
benny~tow: shut up noob
Roosevelt: haha wut a moron
paTTon: wtf am i gunna do now?
Eisenhower: yah me too
T0J0: why dont u attack me o thats right u dont got no ships lololol
Eisenhower: fock u
paTTon: lemme go thru ur base commie
Stalin: go to hell lol
paTTon: fock this sh1t im goin afk
Eisenhower: yah this is gay
*Roosevelt has left the game.*
Hitler[AoE]: wtf?
Eisenhower: sh1t now we need some1 to join
*tru_m4n has joined the game.*
tru_m4n: hi all
T0J0: hey
Stalin: sup
Churchill: hi
tru_m4n: OMG OMG OMG i got all his stuff!
tru_m4n: NUKES! HOLY **** I GOT NUKES
Stalin: d00d gimmie some plz
tru_m4n: no way i only got like a couple
Stalin: omg dont be gay gimmie nuculer secrets
T0J0: wtf is nukes?
T0J0: holy ****holy****hoyl****!
*T0J0 has been eliminated.*
*The Allied team has won the game!*
Eisenhower: awesome!
Churchill: gg noobs no re

T0J0: thats bull**** u fockin suck
*T0J0 has left the game.*
*Eisenhower has left the game.*
Stalin: next game im not going to be on ur team, u guys didnt help me for ****
Churchill: wutever, we didnt need ur help neway dumbarss
tru_m4n: l8r all
benny~tow: bye
Churchill: l8r
Stalin: fock u all
tru_m4n: shut up commie lol
*tru_m4n has left the game.*
benny~tow: lololol u commie
Churchill: ROFL
Churchill: bye commie
*Churchill has left the game.*
*benny~tow has left the game.*
Stalin: i hate u all $#%s
*Stalin has left the game.*
paTTon: lol no1 is left
paTTon: weeeee i got a jeep
*paTTon has been eliminated.*
paTTon: o sh1t!
*paTTon has left the game.*

for those who dun know historya simple disclaimer for you..
benny-tow=benito mussolini,italian dictator, generalissimo
roosevelt left the game. he died of natural causes during the war.
hitler left the game cos he lodged a bullet in his head, effectively crumbling the wehrmacht.
stalin wasn't in the same team in the next game, he was on opposing team. the map was called cold war-domination in the nuclear-armed world
and patton got on a jeep and left the game? right after the war, he had a real unfortunate accident while on a military jeep. his neck snapped i think.

_______________________________________________
A LEVELS OUT. SIGH.

okay i'm never gonna study history again...geography i'm coming for you! looks like my relief teaching now is indeed an excellent experience prematurely gained..its ending soon, too bad. i enjoyed it for the most part of it. geography cum english teacher. why not? i'm happy doing what i'm doing now. i wouldn't mind if i'd to do it for a substantially greater part of my life. with a D in economics, i know i'm never cut out for business already. waved goodbye to the financial world. and as pledged, never to do history as a subject again. i had thought i'd do worse, but still, affinity ends there. as for geography, bringing back a B would let my students continue to see that i'm qualified to teach them. same goes for my gp, a decent b3. at least i won't have mandatory english modules to take. im considering doing english language and sociology as well. psychology may be popular, but the a few main modules hardly appeal to me. i really hope i can get into nus fass with my barely can-do grades. if i can't get in, then i wun know how to console other friends already. i'm somewhere in between the good and the bad. the uncomfortable tension. the awkward silence. the nobody's child. the vagabond.

caught in the stasis.

not much smarter actually..

2007-03-03T21:46:00.000+08:00

A blonde woman was really struggling with the jigsaw she's trying to complete, so she decided to phone her boyfriend.

"Hi Bradley, I'm doing this jigsaw but I just can't work out where to start."

"Have you looked for the corners?"

"yes, I can't find them!"

"Are you using the picture on the box to help you?"

The blonde is now getting really distressed.

"Yes, Yes, Ive got the box in front of me, it's a tiger! i don't know what I'm doing wrong!!!"

"Okay, I'll come over and we'll see if we can do it together."

When Bradley gets to his girlfriend's house, she welcomes him and leads him into the living room, she's explaining that all the pieces looks the same. He takes her by her hand and leads her to the sofa to sit her down.

He says, "Darling, I'm going to make us a cup of coffee and then we'll put the Frosties back into the box."

27/2

2007-02-27T20:54:00.000+08:00

i screamed at a student until he cried.

bye zhizhi

2007-02-27T00:44:00.000+08:00

here's wishing you all the best and hoping you'll come back prettier and smarter than ever!

bye hong zhi, see you in six weeks :)

hence, i'll so so so miss my ex. so will janice. so will jun han. and lots more girlfriends and secret admirers.
afterall, everyone loves zhizhi!

my best phone chatting partner up till now ;) really will miss your company.

i never got a blackjack today :(

2007-02-24T22:07:00.000+08:00

if not for her, my life would be pretty perfect.

but it dun mean that i'm gonna be an unfilial son as she unreasonably claims. talking to si min really helped me discover my blind spots. even the rest of my family probably pities my plight, but its okay. i should just take it in my stride. even though i'm indignant, cos i'm here where i am only because of my own efforts, and that my parents can easily brag about their success story, me, to my relatives, arousing jealousy in a few. still, si min's right. my mum did have a great part to play in my early upbringing. when i grew up, she didn't want to stress me out. still, i did her proud, coming out tops in primary school, even though she never cared about whether i studied or not. so it was my choice. and given my family background, i would have, by default, taken the default, commonly repeated path which many like me would have gone, which is, use the choice and abuse it and enjoy your freedoms, and suffer in the end..but i didn't. my dad never prodded me in my studies too. both of them were educated up to sec 2. they dun understand that their son wasn't supposed to be how he's like today. in fact, they are plain lucky. i should have been in a lousy primary school class, went to a lousy ah beng neighbourhood school, which is like, almost all the schools in my area, went to poly with luck, or ite lor. and along the way getting to know undesirable ppl. i really think i should have become like that. but if not for my mum, with her upbringing during my early years, i dun think i'd have been so disciplined all these years to persevere. although no one has ever motivated me. they probably think all students end up in jc, and those in poly do so cos they choose to. they take me for granted. even my mum casually recommended aj to my sis cos 'her bro also from aj' though she doesn't have the necessary points. maybe one day she should find out for herself how things work. i really deserve to be an ah beng, with my bullshit financial situation, uneducated parentage, ordinary relatives from
both sides. and i've my face to prove it. still, its really weird. perhaps its just like the gambling session at mrs toh's house today. i just kept winning. luck or what, i dun know. i myself can't believe it. but when i lost, i quit and declared a game over. i hope my results this coming friday would be the next in my winning streak. scared stiff.

anyway, i just counted. i won 36 bucks with the only 2 dollar note in my wallet. played about 25 matches. i won about 18 games, no blackjack. drew about 4. hien leng (5 under 21) once. kena blackjack by banker once or twice, lost normally about twice. all the while, no blackjack, but i just kept winning. even when mr toh wanted to 'go all out' he never won. i feel bad, depriving young caden of his milk powder money :( but well, the toh couple were so cocky eh. and the ppl who put their money with me and won 10 over each should treat me la.

class gathering at eugene's place tmr. i already stashed my profits for the day. and i'm going out tmr with the same notes i originally had today. 1 $10, 1 $5, 1 $2. eugene's mum is a very very tough banker to beat. if i lose that $2, i'm not gonna play anymore, just like what i told myself today.

life's like a gamble, and i've had my share today. winning 4/5 of the time, nah it dun happen usually. i promised myself not to indulge in4d, toto or score or whatever as an adult, when i was of sec school age. and i rarely break my promises. u might have thought i'm a god of gambling today, but yeah, it ends today. maybe it does run in the family. hah. and with my 30 over bucks, i'm getting chocolates for friends. just like the same thing i did when i won 50 bucks the same old-fashioned way with my dad's sworn brothers 2 years ago. yes, in 1 hour i got a half day's worth of pay, but no, that's not the way to go.

cross country 2007

2007-02-24T00:45:00.000+08:00

cross country rocked! its been months since i last ran any distance, and this time i never stopped at all! i was happily the teacher leading the race..until the last few hundred metres this teacher overtook me and dashed my hopes of number one! but its okay, its a teacher from the same house. i ended second. alright. i found out he's an ocs graduate. officer leh. so he deserves to win. but not that teachers win anything. but its good to know u were one of the first to complete.

wore the full students' outfit. house tee and cat high shorts. the teachers couldn't recognise me. and some students were teasing and kidding with me, not knowing who they were talking to. hahaha..but im nice k. some kid even asked where i got my nasi lemak from. duh, look, i am old. much older than you puny sec 1!

its kinda funny how everyone thought i was just the average student today. haha. some uniformed group ppl stationed along the way were shocked 'huh mr ong?!!' it was kinda funny and i just returned my usual smirk. but that mr tan who got first and me sure looked so much like students that ms fernandez did not notice, and happily announced to the whole school that ms vanessa chia was first. haha. she's third k! but she seriously ran with all speed and consistency, first lady teacher to come in. bravo!! :)

the life of a teacher isn't as routine and as boring as i thought, though i think i want it livelier a bit more. but staff lunch was omg..nice! sashimi..with fat generous portions of salmon, tuna(eugh lol) and the last one...swordfish or something..heavenly. and cos wine wasn't included free, so i took some cute delicatessen stuff called wine glass. its abit bigger than a shot bottle, but its filled with jelly mixed with wine. the first one made my throat warm, the second was great and the third got me all sweaty. LOL! and poor mr heng suffered the effects of my drunkardness later, when he got suaned by me and kwang han on the subject of a prospective girlfriend and his extensive knowledge of hotel rooms. we're so full of crap, we're even worse than some students we teach!

then went out with si min and we talked about 8 hours. haha. best friend :)

record set: stayed 10 hours in cat high today(if only there's overtime.)

2007-02-21T19:21:00.000+08:00

it is a matter of two in a collection of seven yet it feels as though the weight of the world has been bearing down on me for an eternity though dusk has yet to chase away the most unwelcome of afternoons

LOL im going crazy

today is madness. suddenly getting all the common test papers and i don't know a single thing! and i've to start marking some, recording marks, going through the papers which i've never set my eyes upon..it feels so mad. and seeing the assignments coming in like a super acidic lava which is damn viscous and damn slowly when i've given them the damned long holiday to prepare and they still give me nonsense those @^$#&* back from holidays and feeling so slack and they give me the worst behaviour ever while i've all the time constraints in my head..in fact most teachers are battling against the inevitable passage of time while the disruptions threaten to wreck the momentum..let's take a look at the upcoming rest of the week:

thursday. cat high did verywell, thrashing our batch(no one saw it coming, not any of us), and getting the whole school a half day on thursday. and they go to school for just 2 lessons. WHAT. then the teachers are all going for staff lunch at marina mandarin. i'm invited too. haha.

friday. cross country at turf city. no macritchie cos there are roadside repairs i heard. i'm running in teachers' race!!! AHHHHH so happy...and best thing of all is that PE teachers dun run in this race...they run the whole show! WOOT!

i saw something interesting in 3-9..a prefect rubbing his shoulders on another guy. i promptly called him out as volunteer to whatever antics i had then. but seriously....freaking me out! previous time was sitting on laps..what else shall i see next? kissing on their cheeks? whacking each other's butts? i dun wanna guess. i dun wanna think. i dun wanna see anymore.

and 3-9 was being..weird. said they were gonna nominate me for some award. thinking it was a teachers' day award i said ' nah , wun be here by then.' and i wanted to know what so i asked if it was the 'most kiam pah face teacher award'. at the end of the lesson, the monitor came to me with an official looking form, demanding my full name. it was a form i never dared take when i was a student. its the national award for teachers. i just told him it wun happen la. but well, its like AWWWWWWW. haha.

and i wore the cat high teacher's tie today! wow..

so excitingly boring

2007-02-20T20:12:00.000+08:00

the only year in which new year was spent without gambling. such a boring one. dun get me wrong, its just that i love playing blackjack during new year. as though it completes it. but this year, everything feels like nothing. so empty. there isn't the mood, despite it being such a draggy weekend. lucky i'm going visiting mrs toh and eugene(primary school friends). can't think of anywhere else..oh well but even without my 'investments', i got close to 300 from my ang bao money. started spending it already..i bet it'd be gone before i enter ns..i'll make it all good buys though. but right now, i'm using my salary to buy clothes for work. haha..

i went to my uncle's new house in punggol. which is actually across the road from bel's house. cool la. my mother's been bragging to my relatives i'm a relief teacher. i mean, i dun need the attention -_-" i rather ppl didn't know..its awkward when ppl start referring to me as teacher instead of using my name! my, lame! and the thing with my paternal relatives. i didn't see them last year. so its been 2 years la. so i called my aunt. who stared at me without expression. she only realised i'm her nephew when she saw my dad who was with my family a distance away. then everyone would comment on how handsome i've become. i know la, i used to be damn ugly can. but now also as ugly la..then one aunt said i'm so rude and dao cos i didn't reply her. i mean, she kept telling me i'm very handsome now. like what u want me to say? YES INDEED?!!! i guess i could have thanked her. but people who never get praised wun know how to reply what. haha. but i just dun need the attention la.

my uncle living in pasir ris offered to put me up when i got back from tekong. cool. but weird la. i still will go out with my friends and go back to my room to get my stufff all that isn't it? hmmm...but i guess i wun have much choices too. my cousin is already primary 4. the last time i saw him he was just looking just 6 of age. time really really flies. seeing him so grown up now, i'm kinda jittery.

so tired. have to return common test soon, but i haven't even started marking. and they better hand in their portfolio tmr! i've given them a cny extension already! meanwhile i'll prepare on my next lesson for geography. there's been tonnes of breaks here and there, its getting tough to finish the assigned chapters on time. and this friday, there's cross country, its less than 4.8 km. i think 3 km? i dun know. but i hope i can be invited to go! though i've kinda lost my phillippe house t-shirt :( and hopefully, thrash all the teachers in teachers' mass run. WOOTS. but i haven't been running for so long. oh well, good thing is the teachers probably wun be that enthu about running. i might be running my own race. with no one to talk to. to encourage. to keep up with. just me and myself. towards the finishing line. if i get the first prize. hehe. but oh well, i dun think a relief teacher like me can be eligible to get the prize. HAHA. afterall, if a 'youngling' like me gets nowhere near the first few teachers, it must be quite sad. pls pls pls lemme go for the cross country and let me win win win!!!!!! do aj proud once more!!!! (shit hz made me realise there are PE teachers. but oh well, let me be first for non-PE teachers then pls pls pls) then i can go to mrs toh's house on saturday and make her proud ahahhaa...seems that i'm always living in my dream though. but dreams are fulfilled if you work for them. gonna chiong!

Nao Chora Menina (Don't Cry, Little Girl)

2007-02-18T20:49:00.000+08:00

Não chora, menina, não chora mais
Um dia você vai saber
Na vida existe sempre a razão
E mesmo a tristeza tem valor

O que fez a lágrimas no seu rosto
É o carinho do seu coração
E a menina que sabe o que é o carinho
Vai ser mais linda, linda mulher

Uma estrela aparaceu
Sorrindo pra você, menina
E a menina que sabe o que é o carinho
Vais ser mais linda, linda mulher

From Final Fantasy VI, adapted from Kids Run Through the City Corner, which is the current background theme of my blog. i guess ppl are sick of the violent-sounding almond beauty. hope u guys can appreciate the simple, melancholic tunes from the rest of the FF series along with me..

nova annum

2007-02-18T00:03:00.000+08:00

how often does one get to see his primary school classmate. very often, on most days, i never can hope to get a glimpse. and yet, i saw 2 of them on friday. jun hao and i went to the kfc at admiralty place with mr yap, who treated us. halfway through, i saw eugene outside! apparently, jun hao forgot to ask if he wanted to come. haha. we all went home and they came to my house at night. where we intended to go to ann's house. and so we went mac for dinner with ann and her bf. and we saw debbie! by then ann left first. so we walked debbie home! its so unexpected. and asked that she come to eugene's house next sunday! i'm so glad, i'm still in contact with my primary school friends. there's a certain special feeling when i am with them. maybe cos, we never got to see each other going through the painful,ugly process of having to grow up.

on the other hand, contact with my cat high friends is..as functional as can be. its almost non-existent. sad isn't it.

mrs toh is having a party for us 3305 next week. i hate to tell her, but i already know the turnout will be pathetic, especially amongst the guys. im quite sick of hearing lame excuses. im fine with having just girls for company. i'll turn up, no matter what. its the least i could do. its just the most sincere way of thanking a teacher. i'll always remember the tonnes of attention my teachers in aj have lavished upon me. i hope i could see them at mrs toh's house next week..and have a great talk to them. its a pity i only saw myself a student and didn't really get to know them. perhaps now i could. after all, i'm also in the same profession now. for a month that is.

ns is going to cause me to suffer from depression. u get cooped up. u miss your friends who dun miss you. you dun miss ur family which misses u. and financially speaking, here's why.

ns pay for a month = $300
relief teaching pay for a week = $65x5= $325

and which one is more productive and generates positive externalities? sian bo.

you ppl are not straight while i am so i'm the odd one out?!

2007-02-15T17:26:00.000+08:00

3-1 is a QUEER CLASS.

its like the second or third time i've seen a guy sitting on the other's lap. in my lesson.

i had to tell them it was wrong. and that it was indeed queer.

and they had to tell me there was nothing wrong! that they were just 'best' friends.

FINE. then i had to tell them, you people are weird, with all the indications of a twisted sexuality abound. of course, i did not use the homophobic tone, but a more neutral, informing tone.

and this guy(who is like THE gay of the class) tells me...YOU'RE THE WEIRD ONE HERE!

AHHHHHHH they are not straight not so straight!!!

oh well. but one look, and all of them seem to be most straight actually. and this guy was driving me nuts, with his signature "TATA!" everything he said was TATA in a girly kind of tone. i mean, the fact that he was saying tata in the first place at everything tells you that, again it is a queer thing to do.

just as i have been crazy over a few attractive teachers in aj, i think its happening again. hahahhaahahahhahahaha.

madness

2007-02-14T22:25:00.000+08:00

well well..jeremy lim's brother is now under my tutelage WAHAHA. too bad i had to break his heart on valentine's day by telling him that he's an exact replica of him. jeremy is officially mad and has started to run a cause contrary to mine, to undermine the foundations of the institutions i will be building!

4/5 NA Just the right amount of cynism. And hand flailing. says:
FINE. VENDETTA HERRICK!
4/5 NA Just the right amount of cynism. And hand flailing. says:
I'll now teach my brother
4/5 NA Just the right amount of cynism. And hand flailing. says:
the
4/5 NA Just the right amount of cynism. And hand flailing. says:
AMERICAN SPELLS
4/5 NA Just the right amount of cynism. And hand flailing. says:
*SPELLINGS
4/5 NA Just the right amount of cynism. And hand flailing. says:
AAAHAHAHAHAHAHA
4/5 NA Just the right amount of cynism. And hand flailing. says:
YOU WONT KNOW WHETHER TO MARK RIGHT OR WRONG!

i will still mark him wrong. hah.

ahhhh so stressed! says:
ahahha
ahhhh so stressed! says:
you're not just cynical
ahhhh so stressed! says:
but paranoid
ahhhh so stressed! says:
all because i said....
ahhhh so stressed! says:
YOUR FAIRSKINNED BROTHER DANIEL LOOKS AND TALKS AND BEHAVES EXACTLY THE SAME WAY AS YOU
ahhhh so stressed! says:
AND I THOUGHT I HAD SEEN JEREMY IN THE CLASS

i could imagine how insulted he felt. hahahaha. he seemed to be so.

valentiNE DAY(read:NE DAY) was kinda okay...learning journey to URA and Supreme Court. ura was boring since i went in recent years. while supreme court was kinda like an eye-opener. im sure it was built to impress la..23 court rooms and 9 floors of architectural indulgence..view from the 'ufo' is quite impressive. but nth much happened for today. i realised teaching in secondary school is very very very tiring. so much to do. and u come home, all u want to do is not have ur lunch, not to play the comp, not to read ur books, but to get a bath and sleep. and i know when i do, i sleep real deep. weird thing is, when i really sleep at night, i can't. i go to school, with eyes half blood-shot. even my contact lens dry up by themselves nowadays and do all sorts of funny things. i dun wanna be the evil teacher always. i know they deserve much more fun from me, but right now, its kind of impossible with the problems they give me. discipline comes first. prove you can, and u get rewarded with all sorts. apparently some wun bother though. will see how since i've just started having lessons with them. but i dun want to keep it this way having to scream at them for silly things they do, or for simple things they fail to do. just realised i'm to stay for a month. again, i'm put in another phase in my life, having to work with ppl several years younger. just 3 or 4 years. totally different experience i will gain..im becoming the workaholic, skipping lunch and surviving on milo and biscuits from the pantry. oh well. might as well harden myself before i go ns. not physically. i wun bother with that. so hoping to get my pes c right now.

i see in them what we used to be

2007-02-13T21:18:00.000+08:00

excursion with my 3-2 boys tmr! it is ValentiNE DAY. in other words, NE Day on valentine's. haha. they cheered when i told them i'm going with them tmr. that made me happy. already, i've formed impressions of each class. good a good mixture there.

3-1. rowdy and unmotivated. ready to slack. but deep down, they are smart. i think they prefer to be left alone, though i will need to work on discipline still.

3-2. quiet. passive. unresponsive. generally cooperative. however, i still do not know their proficiency in english or geog.

3-9. lively. chirpy. as crazy as i can get. i'm having lots of fun there. pace of lessons expected to go faster than the rest due to enthusiasm. i seem to amuse them always.

i expect to have lots more fun catching up with my teachers...hehe...and one of my students is the brother of my previous classmate..small world there. getting used to the pace. but i guess i behave like a workaholic at work, it freaks ppl out at times. lol..

almost got caught for my hair/would have failed the hair check LOL

2007-02-12T17:06:00.000+08:00

found it weird that derek and i and sharing mr ng's workload of geog and english. when i got home the hod told me it was actually unacceptable. either had to leave. and for the other, to take up both. derek had been working hard, teaching english and staying back till night at times. but i guess he can't take geog, though he offered to try teaching it. only cos he didn't take it in upper sec, and mr ng's main concerns are in geog not english. oh well. i feel so bad. im sure the teachers feel as bad. and they feel bad that i'm feeling bad cos of their arrangements. now i've double the workload. finally found the hod for humanities after a drawn out game of hide and seek. she's a nice lady, i think she's empathetic, as arts ppl should be. lol.

teachers i've talked to today:
mr edwin heng. couldn't remember me much. asked if i was okay. tmr onwards, he's gonna be my second boss. cos he's in charge of english.
mr danny tan. couldn't remember my name, but could recall who i was eventually. thought of me as very quiet. the 'sitting in a corner' kind of student. i assured him i've changed a bit. still as interesting and funny. was singing 'to the left, to the left' repeatedly. haha. i felt like replying with 'you must have enough of me, you must have enough of me'. (its a song,by beyonce i think)
mr yong kwang hei. surprised to see me. couldn't remember me much, though he found me familiar. again, same impression as i left on mr danny tan. i told him i was wearing specs and probably fatter. haha. the fatter part seems to help most teachers to remember me. if not..its kinda depressing. probably i was way too low profile. haha.
mrs elaine goh. called me when i got home to tell me on the dilemma they faced regarding employment. very sincerely explained what other tasks i might need to take on since im 'young and good at IT', the latter of which is an assumption, to which i replied 'i'm not good at it, but i might be intuitive towards it'. either way, she's happy, cos she's my boss.

teachers i've not talked to, but want, or need to:
mrs alice long!!!! my form teacher. i saw her from afar. but she might have known i'm back to teach after today. i'll try to hunt for her. been so long. i know that talking to her will settle a few of my doubts about myself.
mrs oh(ms chan wee ming) my direct boss. will assign me orders and tasks. so far only seen her once, and probably she didn't know i'm under her.
mr suah yee leng. the teacher who helped me get A2 for chinese. he's nice to talk cock with. since he's probably more entertaining than i am.

can't think of anymore already. there's this american guy in the school. i feel he's kinda weird. probably cos he's not that ingrained with the system's workings yet. there's some temperature taking exercise going on. and guang han, fellow ex student and colleague asked if we needed to take charge of that. then that guy went asking back 'i like my temperature', 'i would be the last one to be struck down with fever', 'it'll never get me', that sort of thing. kinda weird. probably has a complex character akin to douglas macarthur. by the way i'm about to finish his military biography. and his accent is quite rare i think. never heard it before. so it wun be fun to try faking an accent to talk to him. he'll think i'm weirder. haha.

got to know 2 of my classes. let them ask questions for the whole period. never did teach. i'll start proper tmr. but here's a few memorable ones i remember. i was more of a comedian at times.

student,"do you have a girlfriend?"
me,"no, broke up."
some other guy,"oh i know why.."

guy,"do u watch porn?"
me,"u mean u watch porn? damn that's disappointing." -looks away-
me,"and what are u doing in that threesome anyway?(gives wtf face)"
class,"*laughs out real loud*"
me,"and why are you playing with his hands? you gay?"
class,"*almost uncontrollable laughter*"
(of course, u have to put things in context)

then i tease him later again, when i asked them to introduce themselves.
that guy again,"i'm ____ and i like to pon cca"
me,"WHAT?!-exasperation- you like to be in PORN CCA?"
class really laughs their ass off. i heard some ppl say nice one. haha. all for trying to fool with me in the first place. just like mr ng adapted to different classes, so did i. the other class kept asking me about army stuff. haha. and one of the lines i heard most repeated today was
"i LOVE geography!" sometimes i pretend to be pleased, but usually i will reply with "what excellent bootlicking skills you have" or " that's the answer i wanted to hear". but once i went,"ah, how nice it is to see a student appreciating the wonders of geography bla bla crap crap"..but thing is, i let them know i'm 18. haha. i wonder if that's a gross mistake. i only hoped it would allow them to understand me better. and facilitate my work. of course, i have heard several warnings about what i have done... seriously my 2 classes cannot believe i was low profile, quiet and guai kia. some spokesman sounded outraged and shouted across "but we still dun believe you are guai kia!" so i asked.."so u mean i'm a pai kia(gangster)?!"

the whole class agreed in unison.

there was a hair check today. some students happily told me i would have failed it. haha. indeed.
i'm taking a class for learning journey on wednesday!!!WHEEEEEEEE!!!!!

paying the price for vanity

2007-02-10T20:16:00.000+08:00

BITCH!!!!!! didn't tell me the solution i was getting was not a multipurpose one!!!

its hydrogen-peroxide based. and upon contact..

my eye burned.

and it gotten so red, and it seems like im crying.

was supposed to have been neutralised by a tablet or neutralising solution, ahhhh bitch u didn't tell me!!! it hurts and i'm not going out to jam, to university talks like this!! at last i'll be sleeping early. it hurts so much. so much that i called si min to 'cry' about it. lol a pun! thanks a lot best friend, it felt better talking to you. in a way :)

old boy

2007-02-08T21:47:00.000+08:00

im off to cat high from monday onwards, taking 3 sec 3 classes for pure geog. timetable seems pretty slack, with average of 2 lessons a day. 100 mins. the rest of the time will be occupied by other work the teachers will unload on me. derek's teaching them english. as in derek my ex-classmate. cool. so they are getting derek and herrick. i still have to take project work.

mentally preparing myself now. cat high is not going to be the same as admiralty primary. it already doesn't feel as warm there, and i haven't seen a teacher who was truely glad to see me. denis leong knows i existed, but can't be bothered to talk to me. and a couple of other teachers..sigh. but i guess i still have mrs alice long and mr danny tan to talk to, when i see them. they should make me more comfortable.

and im finally gonna wear the teachers' edition of the catholic high school tie!! its like some fantasy come true. haha. no longer a dull standard issue student tie, but the glossy, fine quality dark emerald tie! but its rented, courtesy of mr paul ng. he has to go for reservice, in the form of an advanced battlefield tactics course. and when he comes back, its my turn :S

now i'm wondering how i want my students to treat me as. should i be like charlene? i don't know, but i know i've to find some level which i'm comfortable with. i still have a couple of choir juniors who i dun know, but it'll be impossible to go around telling students i'm older than their mom already. i'll just be honest. tell them im not much older. a recent graduate. and that they call me mr ong in class, and call me by name outside. oh yes, that should be the bare minimum.

and ask that they call me out for class outings?! haha, funny idea, but why not. they are 15 and i'm 19 this year. haha. all the better if they're going to play lan.

shopping spree today. with 160 i bought quite some stuff, including new leather shoes, which i really like. and a new short sleeved shirt i could wear to work/teach, socks and others. im happy since i paid over 120 with my own pay for my shoes. 2 days of pay. but who cares. the money i earn now is to be spent anyway. hah. and leather shoes last an awfully long period of time. i hope mine does :)

bye admiralty primary. and my lovely kids.

to serve 2 alma maters. priceless. admiralty primary. cat high. the best i could ever ask for

2007-02-07T14:42:00.000+08:00

i was wrong. children do lie. and that was a very big lie he dared to make. utterly disappointed and upset.

mr willy tan spoke to me today just as i was about to leave the school. hah. interesting vice principal. he thought that i had several plans in mind after getting my results. like, i told him, i've the army first. being a guy he should know better. then he asked, 'so u want to go to the U?'
'yeah why not?' 'how about alternatives, such as teaching...?' wahhhh. he asked if i wanted to go straight into teaching. freaky. that was my perfect back up plan lah!!! basket. then he went into...' do u know of the recent issues with male relief teachers?' 'erm not quite(but i'd a feeling it was THAT)' 'oh. there have been incidents of students having affairs with their students....' *gasp* 'erm, alright, i'll keep that in mind...' now that i think of it, he probably saw me as the perfect target for this little snippet of 'advice'. i'm the youngest guy in school. and the students probably see me as quite attractive? ahahah..but i wun go cheat children's feelings...i'm not eugene chan. i dun go for xiao mei mei. then he just had to grin and tell me this when we ended our conversation ' oh by the way, i'm from aj too. aj pioneer batch'

u can't be kidding me!

my boss is my senior! oh my god. now i'm freaked when i remember my students saying i look like their vice principal. and the realisation that i just had a damn frank talk with my employer who's my 'schoolmate'.

this guy totally bluffed me and their classmates were so nice to report on the chio teacher. who came in promptly and scolded him. she totally ignored me T_T. hahaha..then some girls were like, teacher u never do your job, so she's here. i got damn angry. cos that guy lied to me, not that i didn't do my job. and they accused me of being a racist cos i kept flirting with the chinese girls. like hello...they were the best students i ever had and can't i spend time talking to them? i was even teaching them english, maths and chinese. there were guys too..i just had to scold that guy in front of the class, just to let them know what wrong he did. betraying a teacher's trust. never. ever. do that. and i caught up with his form teacher after school..told him what happened. got him scolded even more. but i heard this from him 'u bluff the student, u bluff the teachers, u bluff even the relief teacher! how do u expect people to ever trust you?' then he was made to apologise to me. seriously, i really couldn't take it. i just slammed my file onto the glass. with my bare palms and that class suddenly turned quiet. everywhere i went, it seemed as though the students ducked for cover. i was damn angry. i didn't even talk to my ex-students anymore. some even dared to ask if i were angry. duh? 'nono, i'm not angry..hehehe' and then they got scared.

malay mat-to-be, "teacher, are you an ah beng? you got an ah beng chain. and your face is so ah beng. you walk so ah beng. i think you are an ah beng. are you an ah beng, 'cher?"

alright, but my tour of duty around admiralty primary is coming to a close. mr paul ng finally called me up. i'm going to cat high tmr to settle admin stuff and all. and i should be starting work in cat high next week? i'll miss all my students. and i'm gonna see this happening soon...

mr lee hak boon walks into general office, noticing a new teacher. "ah ello, are you a new teacher? might you be a cat high old boy?'

and he'd probably start bragging about my batch again. the batch that gave cat high a new surge of glory. and the batch that so inflated expectations of the future sec 4s. GG! i'm probably gonna run into mr danny tan. mr edwin heng. and mr denis leong. my choir teacher. i hope i have more teachers than that to talk to. 3 weeks. its gonna be fun. dun worry. i'm straight. but mr ng's students are probably cursing at me or their luck right now, cos its not an attractive young lady who's going to take them. ahaha. but rather a guy, who happens to be an old boy. but the most fun question would be to let them guess which cca i was from. they probably would start with the uniformed groups, sports..and never come close. hehe.

sigh. no more pretty teachers to look at. bye chio bus. and my beloved form teachers. what a short-lived reunion i must say. but i'll be back for cny. cos i can display my fan club in front of my friends!!! ahahaha...what a dumb idea.

freaking bored to tears ;'(

2007-02-07T00:14:00.000+08:00

bored again.

relief teaching really is the best job around!
1. u get to see how you were like. and u know u miss those times.
2. u get to catch up with ur own teachers, and maybe ex-classmates who teach there too.
3. u get to educate a new generation of younglings.
4. u get to try canteen food which, although would still suck, would probably taste better than ur previous school's food.
5. u get a whole bunch of people obsessed with you. haha, maybe not that serious.
6. u get paid 11.80 an hour. under ideal conditions.

i took a p4 and p6 class today. the p4 class seems like kinda 2nd best class. could tell they were usually quiet...but cos i came they all went mad. oh well. it always happens. had lots of fun i guess. i'm not paid to read anyway. so i went around to see how they were doing. i identified how i was like. that kind who upon getting the worksheet rushed into doing it, while at the same time blabbering nonsense with my group mates. so in a sense, it was work and play. while taking them for pe, i was not concerned about my class, but kept observing this p3 class which i took for chinese class on the 1st day i went there. they were having relay games. the whole bunch of them listened attentively to their teacher describing what they were to play. and when they rose up and the first pupils started running, the rest of them were bouncing around so happily cheering their mates. it was so cute. to imagine how it looked like, think 'king of fighters/street fighters'. all were doing unique cheering acts. a girl held her right hand up as though holding a torch, while some guy jogged on the spot, another held his hand out, another waved her hands about...everything! so cute. too bad the only time we really played such things was when i was in p1 and p2. i remember having to have those caterpillar races. it was very annoying, and the whole row would always end up collapsing and breaking apart. but its funny in a way. the thing was that no one row would be moving fast, and everyone would be like suffering. haha. but that was 13 years ago. i haven't seen anyone else playing it ever since.

while i had talked to my p5/6 form teacher, mdm jameela before, she had a dilemma. whether to call me herrick ,or mr ong. that is, to see me as her student or colleague. alright, dun be silly, i'm always your student. haha. then after sometime, i found my p4 form teacher. she's a sweet lady, but probably not too attached to us at that time. but she does still talk to me whenever she sees me, though i know she doesn't remember me. haha. thing is, she looked 35 back then and now she looks 35 still. i wonder. and about 3 weeks later, i plucked up the courage to look for my last form teacher i had in admiralty primary. my p3 form teacher. it was kinda awkward, but i guess, what i did made her day. me fumbling and being a bit nervous "er..mm..hi ma..dam fad..ilah..DO YOU FIND ME FAMILIAR?" lol...i'm bad at asking questions..i always ask them in a retarded way. poor lady, i talked to her for like 5 minutes and still i didn't tell her who i was. i only told her i was her first batch of students, in class 3E. obviously she doesn't remember who i am. she said its 10 years ago, and that i'm probably damn old already. hahahah. not quite. i'm like the youngest staff in school hello? she's still as interesting as ever. cruel me had talked to her for 5 minutes and still she didn't have a clue as to who i was. so what if i told her my name, she still couldn't recall. haha. and she said because of me, she's probably not gonna sleep until she digs up the class photo and find out who exactly i am. but i made her proud. her first form class. first batch. coming back to tell her, look cos of u, i'm here before you. woots. i think she probably didn't expect this to happen. but its so cool. if i were to be a teacher i would have wanted the same thing to happen to me! but she thanked me for acknowledging her as my p3 teacher, as though many people wouldn't? hmmm..she sounded touched. i shall talk to her more if i get called back anytime soon. and soon, when this chio teacher who's at most 23 came over to talk to her, she started to show off her 'fine specimen' already. her first specimen. 'look, can you believe this? my student from my first batch!!' she sounded as though she couldn't believe it herself. hehe. i'm feeling so content. that teacher was asking how old i was. too bad, none of us answered. probably old enough to be ur boyfriend. hah. jie di lian that is. way too cool. i'm happy that i did go to her today. so that's it. while most of the teachers have left, all my form teachers are still there. this is way too cool. i love all of them! mdm fadilah, mrs karine nim, mdm jameela! hugs to all of you!

but back at work, it ain't easy. it gets easy if the teacher i'm covering gave me stuff to give them to do. or best still, if they have homework they were supposed to do. i really abhor the idea of going to class with nothing for them to do. in a way its not very responsible of the teacher to take leave and leave their class to slack. that's when i really die. but alright, i gave them worksheets to do today..taught them a bit. teaching is fun. now i think i understand, partially at least why teachers love to stay back in school for their students. i dun think its easy to explain. but maybe 'joy of teaching' might be sufficient to understand. when u teach, u really interact with the students on a one to one basis, and that's when it gets really fun. like today, i was taking the most notorious p6 class. their teacher left them with different work to do. so this guy wanted to do chinese corrections. as a relief teacher supposed to be taking english subjects, i kept on insisting that i help him in his corrections. i was feeling high. then they were like, something is amiss, i dun think this guy's chinese is good..haha..then started to ask what i got for psle chinese. A or B. seemed that they would've looked down on me if i said B. but though i got A i told them i got F. silly kids...started to laugh..the ones who were not easily tricked simply chided them ' stupid ah, if he get F then he standing here' those kids are funny. but in that class, i saw stuff that made me realise how lucky i am. to see things that i hardly saw, really caused me to be sad for some of them. though they might be the delinquents of the class. sigh. xin suan. wu nai.

as a relief teacher, my time is quite fully utilised. having a break of just 30 min for the whole day is typical. but still, enough to get canteen food, though teachers can no longer cut queue. haha. not that i'm the kind. the canteen vendors...half of them are new. some probably continued by different people. the food is really quite good, though prices are steep. some stalls probably see a teacher coming so they hike their prices. but well, doesn't matter much. i've been over-charged in aj too. over-charged for disgusting fodder. yucks. shudders. but for the sharp increase in price between teachers and students, i get really ALOT of food. being a guy, its not customary to say u want lesser of the food. but that's what i did. its really alot. but thankfully its decent. the drinks stall auntie knows that i'm a student there before, but only cos i told her. she would never have suspected. her daughter used to help her sell drinks. probably forced to. quite a pretty girl older than us by a few years. now she's teaching chinese too.

nowadays it can be quite a disturbing though ultimately pleasant experience to have a whole class waving at you shouting your name and smiling so jovially. i really pity the teacher who was taking the class at that time. she probably was trying to keep them quiet already,and i always had to pass by, spoiling things for her. haha. unintentional though. and it gets creepy when there's a guy who keeps telling you how handsome and cool you are. i always pretend not to hear it. only when i can't stand it, then i'll counter-praise in the hopes that he gets flattered and keep quiet and not telling me how he thinks of my looks. but it doesn't work!! :( it sounds to him like i've accepted his compliment and he continues. dots. and that day this bunch told me i look like some 'bobo' from the ch8 7pm drama. like i'd know who? so i asked around. and i roughly know who. so i thought okay, fine, they're trying to say i look like a tv star. okay. case closed. but when i was leaving the school, i saw that bunch again. and they asked, so do u know who bobo is now? in my mind i probably was thinking 'spare me' cos i've enough of the handsome crap for the whole day. i'm not saying they are crap to say that, but its just sounds like incessant prayers in your ears. so i confessed to them, ya i roughly know who but i dun remember. they didn't seem to mind, as long as i still looked like that tv guy to them. after turning around the corner, the girl still stood up to say bye from the corridor. i dun doubt children's sincerity. that's what i love about them. their courage to say what they feel. to express what they must. well, this fan club thing is kinda fun. thing is, i dun know what to say to them, but probably the best thing to do is to react to what they say to you. yup. if not, a simply hi would suffice. they know you like them. it shows. even today, they were making such a din that the only way was to call the teacher next door in to give a scolding, which is 100% success rate. but i couldn't bear to. that would be so cruel. as for the p6 class. u can say they are the epitome of guai lan. the ah lians there were guessing if i'm gay. or ah gua. then there's this girl who goes around whacking every guy. serious, man-beater. but she's quite cute. so i told her, i'm gay, so please dun whack me, cos i know you always whack guys. apparently jokes about being gay and whatever are the best way to engage a class. and this ah lian asked if i'm ah gua. i said ya, then she kept making fun of me. they are fun-loving ya..i dun think i was that audacious before. but before i left the gate i saw her there. and when i saw her, i turned back and said ' you call me ah gua right? ' ahahaha. so fun.

but at the end of the day. every cent the ministry pays you is worth it. as in, if not, no one would bother about them, i guess. u work 5.5 hours minimum, getting paid 65 bucks. so that's 11.81 per hour. better than to toil under lame roadshows getting paid 6 dollars an hour. dots. justin keeps having weird ideas on me. i'm not some guy u can cheat, so forget about it. not going to work for meagre pay and long hours and dun make it sound so rosy. i know its not. so i'm not getting any other job for the rest of the month. A levels results should be coming soon. apparently, i get a pay rise right?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!?!??!?! YAY! promotion! haha. probably $10 more each day. while signing my form, i saw my pay was 65. then i saw another relief teacher's. its got a 1, and 2 fat zeroes. damn jealous la. how i wished that were mine. even if i worked a relief teacher for the rest of my life, it'd be enough to cover expenses. alright. no more poverty for my family. now i'm convinced i wun have to be like my parents. low education, can only do the low-skill jobs with lots of physical intensity. for the low shitty pay. i wish my dad's boss would give him more. he's a bloody scrooge. totally profit-maximising asshole. his workers never get pay rises. he keeps the old workers simply cos they're cheap and they need his money. okay, enough of ranting. the though of ns is depressing. the pay component though. 4 days of teaching(assume u are the teacher who gets 100 a day) already gives you more than a recruit's pay for a goddamned month! i'd happily teach and not waste my time in the army. and which is more productive? but the army is dumb...it doesn't work. and if it has to work, it wouldn't work. they lubricate the moving parts, but they dun realise their parts are not precise and totally understocked.

sigh. im very bored. so long-winded. tired. go to sleep.

how does this piss you off sis?

2007-02-05T18:01:00.000+08:00

"she asked: wat does anomaly mean?
he replies with: u think im stupid?

she was merely trying to find out wat does it mean . she has no intention of showing off her vocabulary . she understood wat the phrase 'i find bliss in ignorance' means . she is sick & tired of her family . he makes her exceptionally pissed . she wishes that he gets into ns now ."

now i'm wondering how i pissed off my sister with my reply.
1. she usually gets to know a new word in school and comes home trying to see if i know. so i thought she just got to find out a new word and knowing its meaning, comes and asks if i know. i've been replying in similar ways previously.
2. her tone is usually of the 'heheh, you know or not' kind. how would i know that today is the 'can u tell me if you know' tone. they all sound the same. maybe i should stop being so careful analysing nuances in people's speech, because not everyone speaks with them.
3. why should u be exceptionally pissed with me when u should be pissed with ur mum.
4. not saying anything about your flaws does not mean you do not have any flaws, sister.
5. stop being emo, and bugging me with the 'this guy so handsome' crap. u obviously know i'm straight, and its impossible to convert me into a gay. stop wanting me to fall in love with guys along with you. its sick.
6. i was about to fall into my nap already and sorry if i sounded mean and rude. OKAY? and u had to come ask me. like duh, of course i'd have sounded harsh.
7. i think this is the reason why: i'm from the first class in my primary school, went to cat high, then jc, and i feel like i'm damn smart. i'm probably the smartest in the family. wow. but. you are in neighbourhood school, and anything that i say will only corroborate your concrete view that i'm out to make everyone else especially you feel dumb. right? that's how you feel? no, that's not how i feel.
8. u need to know more. bliss in ignorance gets you nowhere. even in poly. not knowing, is simply throwing yourself into a hell pit but in the most comfortable coffin.
9. stop being so angsty and directing everything at family. there are only 4 of us. i dun see u making an effort to do things either so stop it. i'm sure you must know(if u dun i'm telling u now) in times of crisis, your family is the first that you have to look to. without a doubt.
10. i'm only making such a list because i feel i'm underappreciated. you probably dun know that i do things for you. that the way i am is to prod you into the right direction. i wonder if my mum's finally right. 'hao xin mei hao bao' what's the point of me doing things for you only for you to whine to the world what i've done everytime i do something that pisses you off? and i still don't know why?

and about ns, you should be glad i've never used that 'can i have the comp cos i'm going in soon' argument. that'll be so crappy. but dun force me. u used to get me whacked for whichever thing that u did. even recently i got scolded for something i didn't do. i dun see why my sister should be complaining. i'm quite a good brother. that's why i dun get why u can complain, and i'm hurt. no, the world's never a fantasy. snap out of it. think about it, and ask who's the snob. who goes and buys your lunch, dinner, and even groceries wtf? its me, a guy. everytime that's what i do. you? almost never? like ice cream is just downstairs and you ask me to buy for you when i come home? if u wanna bitch, i surely will have more to bitch about you. i'm usually reserved and don't show my emotions. dun make me go into screaming convulsions. you're my sis, for goodness sake. my only one sibling, of the same generation, who i can talk to about similar things. sigh. oh yeah, i wanna get into army too. so u can have ur comp whole day and stop disrupting me in my grand conquests in the world. i'd rather not play if i have to get disrupted everytime i play with the same request. and then i hope you'd think. for i know, you do, but probably not in the way i want you to. maybe it's because of my jc experience that i'm like this, but u should stop thinking poly is any much better. it all works out to be the same.

i'm sorry to you and for myself

2007-02-05T01:39:00.000+08:00

i'm so sorry for everything. i must apologise so badly. to whom, i wouldn't know. i just want to apologise. let's say for everyone i've hurt in my 18 years of existence. recently, i think i might have become ego. but i dun think that's the reason why, it seems that i've lost myself. i need to find back who i am by putting out in words what i've done and what i'm associated with. bear with me. its not easy, especially with whatever pots and pans fate throws at me. amnesia is a double-edged sword. not that i have a choice.

its weird
how i can be so different with different people
how i can talk so much in person but never through any other medium with one
how i can chat so much online but never in person with another
how i can ignore people online but look forward to meeting them in person
how i can love people but hate myself
how i can tell people of my own matters i dun care about but rarely being interested in others'
how i can not think and talk and the same time
how i can think and never talk at other times
how i can wish for things to occupy and tire me out while i want my own time to play
how i can have my own time to play but not know how/what to play
how i can be concerned for others but not concerned for myself
how i can let people trust me though i don't trust them
how i can keep secrets though i wonder why they fall onto my ears in the first place
how i can fulfill the promises i make most of the time, be they meaningful, or meaningless
how i can regard some with my heartfelt empathy but some with chilling indifference
how i can bore people while entertaining myself
how i can teach my neighbour but probably never going to acknowledge i was her teacher
how i can talk heart-to-heart with close friends, really precious ones, yet not to my parents
how i can go in circles and no one ever understands
how i can go straight to the point and still no one understands
how i can feel without knowing
how i can know without feeling
how i can achieve with nothing
how i can wish for certain things no one else would wish for
how i can not believe in a god yet in fate
how i can believe i am in control of my life but in reality i'm losing it to no one but myself
how i can laugh yet feel bitterness and sorrow inside me
how i can make people guilty for the slightest bit of concern they have for me
how i can get annoyed at what disgusting things couples do when i used to do them myself
how i can look people in the eye and have them return it in the most pleasant of ways
how i can remember nothing while wanting to know everything
how i can not be aware of the most obvious
how i can be seen as skilled by one in a craft yet seen as mediocre by another

i realised its about 33 of them. coincidentally, that's my class. but it was coincidental. i've learnt to stop attaching significance to coincidences. that probably is capable of half the disappointments anyone can face.a whole random list of mostly weaknesses. even though i acknowledge them, i do know that i may never come close to perfection. for every flaw you mend, another pops up. i want to alter the status quo, but i guess there's many other things stopping me from attempting so.

i think i'm slipping into it again. took me a good 2 months to snap out of it. even then, so what if i stop. it has to come back some day. it will. there's so medicine but time. but even bacteria develop resistance to antibiotics if you aren't careful. so the best therapy might still be to pour it out onto another. talking seems to be the best therapy. everyone has a certain degree of masculinism/feminism regardless of gender..but i think i'm more imbalanced in my mind. it doesn't bother me. and i dun think its weird, how i find girls interesting to talk to,no matter who. but to guys, even if they were interesting, they probably aren't interesting to talk to. adeline might be right. i can be a good sister. haha. jokes aside, being in the company of guys is simply bo liao at times. its like i don't care. i can fall asleep talking to guys. i'm such a lousy guy friend. i have no love for guys at all. that's extreme, but that's good. i'm far from being gay. i wonder how the cat high choir is now. maybe its 20% gay, with another 30% undeclared? back then i must have been leading a secret crusade(more like hatred) against homosexuals. apparently it failed. haha. its late. i'm waiting in anticipation for mr ng to call me. i wanna go back to cat high and root out the non-aligned beings!! and most importantly, teach geography and enjoy the canteen food =P

why am i so solemn? but haven't i always been like that..that's when i belong to myself.but i want to belong to someone else

what do u want.

2007-02-04T15:47:00.000+08:00

4 girls and 2 guys at sentosa makes for excellent volleyball games! too bad our arms suffered the brunt of it.. volleyball is fun when u scare the hell out of people, but it isn't when people start GANGING UP on you and scare the hell out of you..3 v 3 volleyball is fun, so much fun, nevertheless. most of it was about picking up the ball. haha. but yun hui is the most pro. renny and regina are traitors to whichever team they are in. did lots of other crap, and ended up in ps..the last activity was to accompany adeline bel and regina to this fashion. LOL. but i can come up with rather constructive comments. so much so, that adeline didn't buy a single article in the end..then adeline concluded that i'm like a sister to her. haha.

a list of material wants that which materialised not-too-long after my previous material wants were acquired:
1. 1 gigabyte of ram; my comp's too laggy with my current 256. though the chief beneficiary will be my sis cos i'll be in army soon. she better contribute half.
2. a pair of new leather shoes, i've one too small;another's got a smooth flat sole
3. x number of shirts. i've quite alot of shirts for a guy methinks, but i still feel its never enough. maybe adeline is right. i'm like a girl. haha.
4. y number of jeans and pants. they're all too old, with faulty zips, shrunken too much(or i've grown too much), and basically cos its not enough for me. haha.
5. i want to treat my friends to things when i have my first army pay! and i owe hong zhi a treat for the..let's say many things she's done for me =)
6. socks. they're never enough. either white, or white. i want other colours.

and for non-material wants:
1. for my mum to be more at peace with people around her.
2. for my sis to stop being so simple-minded at times. its worrying. REALLY.
3. happy friendships which never end hopefully..

as for needs:
friends to keep me company.

reflections..

2007-01-31T17:05:00.000+08:00

i'm so lousy with razorblades that i cut my upper lip with my gillette today, causing it to bleed profusely for ten over minutes. when i get into army, i'd buy those non-automated ones instead.

relief teaching-on and off in admiralty primary might come to a stop if my teacher does get me to cat high to cover him while he goes off for his 1 month reservice(seriously, ONE MONTH???). it feels sucky as a relief teacher really, especially when the teacher didn't assign them any work. then you'd be nice and try to let them do stuff. but that's when it all turns ugly. if all the teachers that were on mc were nice enough to give them work to do, their students would have got progress, and i would have been able to teach! i'm paid to teach, not damned babysit!

lesson learnt: to babysit requires more skills than to teach

i can safely say 2/3 of classes are hopelessly noisy. and impossible to quieten them down. its really a war-40 versus 1, though a quarter are reliably well-behaved. teaching isn't as fun when they start to piss you off eh? my students all have this weird habit. the whole lesson they chant things like 'teacher you're so handsome' and 'teacher why are you so cool?'. one malay boy even told me that if i joined 'the superstar', i'd win. LOL? zuhara says the kids must be blind. they must be. i've even seen a group of p2 girls crowding around and whispering 'mr ong is so handsome!!!' seriously, can this stop? i know kids dun lie. but i'm not here for you to judge whether i'm handsome (or chio) or not!
but back then, that's what we did too, so now i understand

one thing is certain though: my fan club grows with each passing day. AHHAHAHA

when i have to leave the school, i might be sad. no,i definitely will be. but at least they'll remember they had a great relief teacher! and i'll have sweet memories to keep. it'll be nice if they still recognise me outside too. and i can already envision how embarrassing it'll be when you hear someone scream 'handsome!' and you know it'll be someone you taught before, who admired you before, and yet you don't know him. for now, let's see if mr paul ng can work out an arrangement for me to cover his job. TEACHING geography at last. and with my history skills too, i bet i'm an invaluable asset to the cat high staff. AHHA EGO. but no doubt, people are impressed when they know you took geography AND history. not OR. i just hope my results will be equally impressive. if not, what's the point? so if i get to teach geography, mr ng my idol sorta would be gone, and i'll probably find my next idols either mr edwin heng my english teacher, or mr danny tan my history teacher. i mean, i can teach geog and history and english!(only these sadly) and i do want to teach. not babysit. its not fun, its not easy. that's why i say, teachers really deserve the pay they get, be it relief, training,untrained,assistant,permanent,subject head or HOD. anyway dumb me doesn't know how to operate an atm machine, nor do i have my atm card. so whatever i earn, it'll probably be there for some time. afterall, i dun need the money now.

from a teacher 'oh i didn't dare to throw it away cos i thought it might be a gift from your girlfriend'
me 'hah its okay we broke up already'

normal reactions are like, to deny having one, or shut up and look abashed. but i always have to be so honest to give them this reply that really can spoil a person's day. its as if they were saying 'please say hi to your mum for me' and u reply with 'she's rotting in the grave'.

this old man

2007-01-31T15:57:00.000+08:00

of mithril through his heart it bore
punctured piercing of a manticore
yet don't it matter when he was ninety-two of hoar
pronto! the knell pealed and he became of lore.

this stanza was randomly etched into existence.

they took my monayyyyy!!

2007-01-27T17:29:00.000+08:00

Alright, i got my pay for the first half of the month. a seemingly pathetic **ka-ching** 129.50. can anyone tell me where did my 50 cents go to?? welfare? gst? cpf? trade union? charity? community chest? NKF? my pension? service charge? or is it cos i'm too annoying? its supposed to be SGD 130!!! does anyone know......? as choon wee goes, " just take it that you bought someone a mcdonald's ice cream cone" i still owe si min one for the red shoes :)

and smart me, refusing that 65 bucks in the morning. pressing reject instead of accept call in the morning. all cos i was too tired to know anything. the next time i get my salary, it'd be 65x3=195 at least. and again, they're gonna take away my money for the beggar!! k fine, i'll just take it as maintenance fees for my expanding fan club. its growing too fast la.

"cher, all my friends say you handsome, but i dunch tink solay!"
i dun get why my students mostly think i'm handsome, except for that guy. lol. i dun really agree with them, but at least its a happy thing. i dun get bullied(erm...maybe not..) or whatever. at least i'm well-liked, if not well-loved. wahaha why am i so ego! must be influenced by some dirty little dumb girl!! i've kids pleading me to go teach them, when all i did was to take them for an hour only. ever since, that class has been so nice to me. so touching~~~

and my back pain has returned. really hurts.
back in aj, the only accomplishment i remember was to win the class pokemon tcg tournament

why do i still

2007-01-26T00:30:00.000+08:00

keep making eyes and leaving with all due reluctance. i think i'm good at hiding, this very element that has possessed me, that part of which all humans experience, the undeniable, yet cursed it must be!

King of Fighters XI

2007-01-24T22:14:00.000+08:00

shion-the spear-wielding chinese woman. i hate you, for i always succumb to you, but yet you are so pretty. and this is my favourite arcade game...king of fighters XI. everything's so cool. can't get enough of it! button-mash! and where's MAIIII!!! i'll have to make do with WHIP :) and of course, my dear shion, that bamboo.

my fan club is getting more members than kfc chicky club =P

2007-01-24T21:18:00.000+08:00

form teacher for two days this week. 4 hours of seeing your class, and another hour for relieving another. my fan club has once again expanded, and enrolment is surging. woots. LOL. but both days were not that much the same. i literally have seen blood and tears being shed. sigh.

oh and kids dun ever lie. that's what i love about them. some guys did say i'm handsome! oh~!! thank you~!! but i hope that's not cos they're gay, otherwise they'd look like when they grow up. this is benimaru. he is simply so gay. but i love to imitate his gay move. alright alright, i'll post king of fighter XI pics on the next post. let's not get overwhelmed by this flowery leopard-clad queer stud.

i know i'm in trouble. some girl knows where i stay. haha. stalker. and the ones who can tell really suspect my 'legitimate' age of being a teacher. i'm sorry but at 18, i'm the youngest teacher anyone in school could ever get. meanwhile zuhara is officially 25 to them...i told some overly curious students i'm 120 years old today la. they just screamed demon!!! and acted like they were all whacking me out of their class. and some weird guy actually slammed into my butt while i was writing on the board. schooldays are fun. with my fan club, its even better! i love ya!

the night is always emo

2007-01-23T22:38:00.000+08:00

everything happens for a reason.

-but there comes a point where reason doesn't matter for anything anymore. mayhaps you dun have everything now. and never will, ever again. all gone.

combat report on first time appointment as battlefield soldier and commander(more like some boliao essay)

2007-01-20T20:41:00.000+08:00

only nerds like me do stuff like 'do research on a game before playing it for the first time'. it actually worked! oh god..im so thankful to gamespot and gamefaq and ign and whatever sites there were..i wasn't all that bad playing battlefield 2 for the first time with the history guys(should really ask girls out for some free frags next time). in fact i was the commander for about half the time and i really did what i could, although artillery strikes were just vain attempts to depress a base. the supply and vehicles never stopped flowing..they just came like some godsend..daryl was my best partner in crime today la. haha...when we were on opposing teams, we often found ourselves locked into 1 on 1 tank or amphibious craft fights...and i almost always prevailed. he'd win when he was the anti-tank infantry though..im like sniper for much of the game but i've really no choice since i'm supporting most of the time. but the sniper rifles really suck big time. you'd need about 4 shots on the torso for a kill. pla and mec snipers are semi-automatic, but with weak fire power. usmc is bolt action, meaning its firepower is substantially higher, but u get single shots which u must manually reload onto the barrel after every shot. but sniper vs sniper fights were fun though. that thrill...woot. but i realise its not that effective. i'd probably go all engineer next time though. shotgun kills sound cool but i think its probably wun happen in many situations..i was getting owned by the special forces everytime..mark's m4, and dessly's c4, for example. sigh...

lol..wongci is the poor guy who takes the blame for everything while trying to claim the credit all for himself. after every round(when we are defeated), he'll start some fierce defence of himself while proclaiming that he did alot of work himself..but ask daryl and we'll know who did the work...and when wong ci is on the opposing team i have reason to celebrate cos its the first time i played the game and i need practice...so yeah..1 on 1 fights with wong ci are quite fun...u can hear his vexed reactions from behind everytime he gets killed with my semi auto sniper. he was using some burst fire m16 or sth...wong ci needs more practice..

too bad the guys from my class aren't free to play, and most dun play such games..sigh..i should expect to keep playing with the history peeps(in reality, 35 and 38 ppl,im the only one from 33) until i really improve. all the days of call of duty, wolfenstein ET, medal of honor...im sure they helped alot though these games can be said to be so much more different and simpler than bf2. poor jonathan played the game like CS..tactics are important, but capturing the flag seems to be so over-emphasized, it really gets depressing at times..we really lacked players so i think we can do well with a few girls to join seriously..its a whole load of fun. though it'd help to have some theory. somehow i just remembered wong ci using his standard issue rifle on my tank. oh, and i read of using tank turrets and humvee posts (in history websites and on military journals) as makeshift mobile AA guns. i did that today, a few times in fact. really got that nice feeling when all my knowledge of warfare could be applied. and tanks, do make good AA guns, for ur information. we all did many stupid and funny things today. the lamest one i did was to fly my helicopter for the first time and crashland on the warehouse's rooftop. the base was just below it. haha. maybe i'll get some ram when i have the cash, and get bf2 and play online. u really need to keep ur cool in the game. a few times i got shot at right in front, but i kept my cool and got a headshot. phew. especially when attacked by players like wong ci and cleavon who like to pop out from nowhere an give u surprises. that two are really gay. they both camped in a corner, waiting for me to run towards them or whatever. but i just stood there and aimed at their sniper rifles and their legs. when obviously, that wasn't enough to kill, i took a well-aimed throw of my grenade and both of them came out flying. its so fun. 1 grenade 2 kill. but for harry, its even better 1 artillery and wipe out the whole team la. he's a good commander. since its my first time, it should be understandable that i cannot match up to him in strategy and tactics. im so bored, i surely could use a few more lan sessions like this. analysing all the things that we did is a good way to prevent rusty brains. too bad daryl is going in this friday on the same day as jian qi..we're gonna need more players..luckily bmt ppl should be out this coming weekend..gary, chee wei and wee liang..hope they can come and play. a commander is not very effective without players to command.

list of fun things we did!
1. shoot at ppl while they climbed ladders(that's really gay, but at least me and harry did that today)
2. use ur tanks and whatever armaments on the vehicles as aa weapons(harry and his helicopters beware)
3. plant claymore mines everywhere( spoilt the fun at times but makes for good laugh)
4. rushing all the way into the enemy base that's furthest from ours with all our armor (daryl jonny and me)
5. crashing ur aircraft for needless reasons(standard battlefield blunder)
6. head-on collisions with opposing humvees. result is that both fall off the bridge. this is the result of the mathematical 'game theory'.
7. running players over with vehicles. even humvees do a good job, though u may have to roll over a few times.
8. shooting at random ppl, knowing that they wun know who shot at them
9. using the amphibious vehicle's anti-tank missile launcher as a way to get direct kill on players who pop out of nowhere.
10. looking at the bullets being deflected off ur tank(LOL!)

oh, i hate to mention his name again but wong ci apparently got killed by a vehicle which landed on his head. seriously, that's the saddest thing that can happen

and the coolest thing that i did today!

shooting down an UAV that was hovering above my base! that's the coolest frigging thing that u can ever do! it just felt like i was playing terminal velocity all over again! i also tried dive-bombing today. its cool, but no one was injured cos everyone was camping all over the place. not bad la. i got best sniper, best armor and some others..including 2nd best player etc. makes me feel good about myself all over again. but im so nerdy, that's why i deserve to become a good player. haha. nerds do well at such stuff. aiya im really a nerd. i check out bbc, msnbc, new scientist a few times a day sometimes. yet how can ppl see me as a beng? it doesn't make sense. i'm about to have an identity crisis. can i be a nerd and beng at the same time? seems that i've done so.

i'm so distant from myself

HDI 2005- A look at the info that concerns us. [the interesting bit at the end]

2007-01-18T18:51:00.000+08:00

alright, i came across this statistics which definitely turned me on and initiated my geographer's mindset. you can find this very useful piece of data at : http://hdr.undp.org/reports/global/2005/pdf/HDR05_HDI.pdf

are you ready for some of the observations that i picked up?(note:some of the patterns i identified may be region-centric,its a natural thing for me to be involved in our region and especially our most beloved country cos that's the way singaporeans behave..being self-centred;EGO as always)
individual indicators:
1. ppl always look for top 5, top 10 or top 25's. and u got it, we're top 25 on the human development index(HDI). that means we're number 25, cos we're asian u see. that's the way it is. so ra-ta-ta-ta-ta. the HDI corresponds to a figure of 0.907, with the Republic of Korea(28th place) having some catching up to do(of 0.006).
2.life expectancy at birth for singaporeans stands at 78.7. this is where numbers start to jumble and positions dun belong anymore. thankfully, this isn't all that bad. its quite a respectable figure, as singapore's life expectancy would lie between two other small countries, Belgium and the Luxembourg. notice that singapore always finds some similarity to countries that are surface area-challenged. all i did was to demonstrate this.
3. contrary to widely-held beliefs, singapore's literacy rate is nowhere near that 100%, or even that only probable real-life possibility of 99%. in fact, it is a sobering 92.5%, compared to the most other countries that rank 10 places below it, whereas the top 20 are taken to be 99%. however, one does not go around blaming the government. the illiterati is probably the bunch of postwar leftovers as they are probably known, and the other homeless, vagabondaged desperados. this is not meant to demean any group in society, but to acknowledge their existence.very often, they dun exist in our society. that's sad. this number does show that there's still quite a significant percentage of singaporeans who require assistance.
4.combined gross enrolment ratio for primary,secondary and tertiary schools for singapore isn't as impressive as we'd like to believe. it's 87%, which would make it rank 30th approx. this i've not much to say. the system is fairly capable and successful of getting ppl into the schools and providin for education already. even i wished it'd be higher.
5. GDP per capita : USD 24,481,PPP-adjusted. this number is misleading. our media almost never reports on the issue of the growing divide-our rising income inequalities. gini coefficient statistics indicate that the gap between the elites and peasantry is currently drifting apart even further. why our gdp per cap. is controversial and cause for concern. the numbers that make us seem like we all live in a not-bad state of welfare is due to the same situation occuring elsewhere in the world: the top 10% controlling 80% of the wealth, for example. this is the case of the disproportionate pyramids. therefore what im trying to illustrate is that, make no joke about it. most singaporeans never have this amount of income.

Trends:
In 1975, Singapore's HDI was the lowest amongst the current top 25, at a 0.725, which would be around the 100th place by today's standards. ever since, its growth has exceeded international expectations, accruing greater increments than many other countries then. a parallel can be found in south korea, only 3 places below Singapore's 25th.

Singapore amongst Developing Countries(not many people realise this but Singapore is still placed as a developing country.yes, face it we're not developed yet.):
Amongst the developing countries, hong kong is at the top, with singapore being second. we have a registered mortality rate (for up to 40 years of age, from birth) of 1.8. This is a figure truly deserving of our country's status as a biohub. However, illiteracy rates for adults ought to be decreased, as many pacific islands and carribean nations boast high literacy rates despite their lower HDI, GDP etc. surprisingly, 14% of children under age 5 are underweight. despite a eating disorder consisting of mcfodder causing a great deal of preliminary weight gain for the many mcfan denizens? this is truly amazing. but anything can be amazing. the author here was underweight for the first 8 years of his life. for the remaining ten, he has been overweight instead. thus, what we're really saying here is that statistics showing the percentage of underweight kids under 5 do not really matter.

Demographic Changes:
Singapore's current population growth rate is at an all-time low of 1.1, and fertility rate is at 1.4.(thus mortality rate is 1.4-1.1=0.3)this is far below replacement rate of 2.1. 2 for the parents, and 0.1 for the couples that never gave birth. its population growth is expected to slow down, though it will still increase, with ever-greater influx of chinamans and expats. of course u have the 'regional settlers' too. as for urban population, singapore has been a fully urban population centre since 1975. wow.

Of course, there are many more. the list is almost inexhaustible. as u can see, singapore is a good place to live in. it is 100% concrete jungle. heartlands or city areas dun matter cos you're still an urban soul without one. while its not that bad in its reputation on the overall, there are still areas that can be improved on. for example, adult illiteracy is still comparatively high. income inequalities, already wide enough, apparently are still drifting apart. this could practically be the fuel for future social tension to come. personally, it does possess greater destructive power than racial disharmony could ever hope to bring. alright,i was damn bored and decided to give u, the poor guy(or girl) this boring analysis that's far from being one. i'll relate the account of a loser below.
-----------------------------
my sis who's from admiralty sec(a neighbourhood school in woodlands) went to MI for her PAE. so most of her classmates are from the better schools it seems. and there's this arrogant SJI guy who keeps hurting my sister with his elitist comments. i'm like "what the hell man, this guy, you're in Millennia Institute, which is like, duh, the only place for those despo wannabes who wanna go to the JC. its the only place where those pathetic ppl will ever seek asylum and really get it. and so he starts to poke fun of my sister's intelligence and all. you win man. you're from SJI and so that means you're ten thousand times smarter than a neighbourhood kid. WOW. and the reason why i got involved in this is cos when he got to know my sister's brother,which happens to be me, if you did your logical deductions, actually belonged to a true-blue JC! wow! which is like duh, ten times better than that MI shit of urs. and he was like "WAHAHA. ur brother's from the JC eh? which one? YJ??? WAHAHA"
-------------------------------
fuck off man...im sure u suck dicks and drown on semen in ur free time u filthy pimping whore. im like so much better than u asswipe. you'll never come close, gay sji fag. we'll probably see you
1. either staying in MI and living not-so-happily-ever-after
2. going to poly grudgingly cos you are not cut-out to be 'one of us'(the top 25% of the cohorts: say-AWWWWWWWWW~)
3. ideally, landing up in a JC after ur filthy-rich mom and pop decide to contribute funds to make the learning environment (of a select neighbourhood jc)more conducive which is simply bribing. oh man. how funny it would be to see u withering in a place u deemed as purgatory or the like. my sis says you're clever. but, i beg to differ. if u were that smart, you wouldn't be in a place where, u know, u should've been to poly but for some stuck up reason still want to waste an extra year to get the coveted A level cert. so imo, though my sis says u have brains(and since she's from neighbourhood school as u said) i think its not too far off to say the average jc student(elite and neighbourhood ones combined) would probably have more brains. and more charisma.
4. IN HELL. duh. this we'll definitely see you in.

if i knew who this guy was, i'd probably do the world a service but serving him some swipes from me, a cat high guy. i'd then show him how neighbourhood school ppl can have siblings not from neighbourhood schools and who also function as a real ah beng. watch out. so what, if your entire familial legacy consists of SJI and SCGS and vast vaults of wealth? ur human development value probably allows you to shake hands only with friends of the african bloc, ppl who might be living better existences than you muck filter. well i myself might have been in this 'elitist' attitude at times but at least i keep it to myself and acknowledge it isn't the way to go. this guy simply has to learn how to stop hurting people. he simply won't belong. he's gonna get it sooner or later when society fulfils its role. society always fulfils its role.

and im sure he's one of those who'd so very often repeat this line like an election slogan,
"Get out of my elite, uncaring face."

good night.