"plak!";
x 5:05 pm
this old man
of mithril through his heart it bore
punctured piercing of a manticore
yet don't it matter when he was ninety-two of hoar
pronto! the knell pealed and he became of lore.
this stanza was randomly etched into existence.
"plak!";
x 3:57 pm
they took my monayyyyy!!
Alright, i got my pay for the first half of the month. a seemingly pathetic **ka-ching** 129.50. can anyone tell me where did my 50 cents go to?? welfare? gst? cpf? trade union? charity? community chest? NKF? my pension? service charge? or is it cos i'm too annoying? its supposed to be SGD 130!!! does anyone know......? as choon wee goes, " just take it that you bought someone a mcdonald's ice cream cone" i still owe si min one for the red shoes :)
and smart me, refusing that 65 bucks in the morning. pressing reject instead of accept call in the morning. all cos i was too tired to know anything. the next time i get my salary, it'd be 65x3=195 at least. and again, they're gonna take away my money for the beggar!! k fine, i'll just take it as maintenance fees for my expanding fan club. its growing too fast la.
"cher, all my friends say you handsome, but i dunch tink solay!"
i dun get why my students mostly think i'm handsome, except for that guy. lol. i dun really agree with them, but at least its a happy thing. i dun get bullied(erm...maybe not..) or whatever. at least i'm well-liked, if not well-loved. wahaha why am i so ego! must be influenced by some dirty little dumb girl!! i've kids pleading me to go teach them, when all i did was to take them for an hour only. ever since, that class has been so nice to me. so touching~~~
and my back pain has returned. really hurts.
back in aj, the only accomplishment i remember was to win the class pokemon tcg tournament
"plak!";
x 5:29 pm
why do i still
keep making eyes and leaving with all due reluctance. i think i'm good at hiding, this very element that has possessed me, that part of which all humans experience, the undeniable, yet cursed it must be!
"plak!";
x 12:30 am
King of Fighters XI
shion-the spear-wielding chinese woman. i hate you, for i always succumb to you, but yet you are so pretty. and this is my favourite arcade game...king of fighters XI. everything's so cool. can't get enough of it! button-mash! and where's MAIIII!!! i'll have to make do with WHIP :) and of course, my dear shion, that bamboo.
"plak!";
x 10:14 pm
my fan club is getting more members than kfc chicky club =P
form teacher for two days this week. 4 hours of seeing your class, and another hour for relieving another. my fan club has once again expanded, and enrolment is surging. woots. LOL. but both days were not that much the same. i literally have seen blood and tears being shed. sigh.
oh and kids dun ever lie. that's what i love about them. some guys did say i'm handsome! oh~!! thank you~!! but i hope that's not cos they're gay, otherwise they'd look like
when they grow up. this is benimaru. he is simply so gay. but i love to imitate his gay move. alright alright, i'll post king of fighter XI pics on the next post. let's not get overwhelmed by this flowery leopard-clad queer stud.
i know i'm in trouble. some girl knows where i stay. haha. stalker. and the ones who can tell really suspect my 'legitimate' age of being a teacher. i'm sorry but at 18, i'm the youngest teacher anyone in school could ever get. meanwhile zuhara is officially 25 to them...i told some overly curious students i'm 120 years old today la. they just screamed demon!!! and acted like they were all whacking me out of their class. and some weird guy actually slammed into my butt while i was writing on the board. schooldays are fun. with my fan club, its even better! i love ya!
"plak!";
x 9:18 pm
the night is always emo
everything happens for a reason.
-but there comes a point where reason doesn't matter for anything anymore. mayhaps you dun have everything now. and never will, ever again. all gone.
"plak!";
x 10:38 pm
combat report on first time appointment as battlefield soldier and commander(more like some boliao essay)
only nerds like me do stuff like 'do research on a game before playing it for the first time'. it actually worked! oh god..im so thankful to gamespot and gamefaq and ign and whatever sites there were..i wasn't all that bad playing battlefield 2 for the first time with the history guys(should really ask girls out for some free frags next time). in fact i was the commander for about half the time and i really did what i could, although artillery strikes were just vain attempts to depress a base. the supply and vehicles never stopped flowing..they just came like some godsend..daryl was my best partner in crime today la. haha...when we were on opposing teams, we often found ourselves locked into 1 on 1 tank or amphibious craft fights...and i almost always prevailed. he'd win when he was the anti-tank infantry though..im like sniper for much of the game but i've really no choice since i'm supporting most of the time. but the sniper rifles really suck big time. you'd need about 4 shots on the torso for a kill. pla and mec snipers are semi-automatic, but with weak fire power. usmc is bolt action, meaning its firepower is substantially higher, but u get single shots which u must manually reload onto the barrel after every shot. but sniper vs sniper fights were fun though. that thrill...woot. but i realise its not that effective. i'd probably go all engineer next time though. shotgun kills sound cool but i think its probably wun happen in many situations..i was getting owned by the special forces everytime..mark's m4, and dessly's c4, for example. sigh...
lol..wongci is the poor guy who takes the blame for everything while trying to claim the credit all for himself. after every round(when we are defeated), he'll start some fierce defence of himself while proclaiming that he did alot of work himself..but ask daryl and we'll know who did the work...and when wong ci is on the opposing team i have reason to celebrate cos its the first time i played the game and i need practice...so yeah..1 on 1 fights with wong ci are quite fun...u can hear his vexed reactions from behind everytime he gets killed with my semi auto sniper. he was using some burst fire m16 or sth...wong ci needs more practice..
too bad the guys from my class aren't free to play, and most dun play such games..sigh..i should expect to keep playing with the history peeps(in reality, 35 and 38 ppl,im the only one from 33) until i really improve. all the days of call of duty, wolfenstein ET, medal of honor...im sure they helped alot though these games can be said to be so much more different and simpler than bf2. poor jonathan played the game like CS..tactics are important, but capturing the flag seems to be so over-emphasized, it really gets depressing at times..we really lacked players so i think we can do well with a few girls to join seriously..its a whole load of fun. though it'd help to have some theory. somehow i just remembered wong ci using his standard issue rifle on my tank. oh, and i read of using tank turrets and humvee posts (in history websites and on military journals) as makeshift mobile AA guns. i did that today, a few times in fact. really got that nice feeling when all my knowledge of warfare could be applied. and tanks, do make good AA guns, for ur information. we all did many stupid and funny things today. the lamest one i did was to fly my helicopter for the first time and crashland on the warehouse's rooftop. the base was just below it. haha. maybe i'll get some ram when i have the cash, and get bf2 and play online. u really need to keep ur cool in the game. a few times i got shot at right in front, but i kept my cool and got a headshot. phew. especially when attacked by players like wong ci and cleavon who like to pop out from nowhere an give u surprises. that two are really gay. they both camped in a corner, waiting for me to run towards them or whatever. but i just stood there and aimed at their sniper rifles and their legs. when obviously, that wasn't enough to kill, i took a well-aimed throw of my grenade and both of them came out flying. its so fun. 1 grenade 2 kill. but for harry, its even better 1 artillery and wipe out the whole team la. he's a good commander. since its my first time, it should be understandable that i cannot match up to him in strategy and tactics. im so bored, i surely could use a few more lan sessions like this. analysing all the things that we did is a good way to prevent rusty brains. too bad daryl is going in this friday on the same day as jian qi..we're gonna need more players..luckily bmt ppl should be out this coming weekend..gary, chee wei and wee liang..hope they can come and play. a commander is not very effective without players to command.
list of fun things we did!
1. shoot at ppl while they climbed ladders(that's really gay, but at least me and harry did that today)
2. use ur tanks and whatever armaments on the vehicles as aa weapons(harry and his helicopters beware)
3. plant claymore mines everywhere( spoilt the fun at times but makes for good laugh)
4. rushing all the way into the enemy base that's furthest from ours with all our armor (daryl jonny and me)
5. crashing ur aircraft for needless reasons(standard battlefield blunder)
6. head-on collisions with opposing humvees. result is that both fall off the bridge. this is the result of the mathematical 'game theory'.
7. running players over with vehicles. even humvees do a good job, though u may have to roll over a few times.
8. shooting at random ppl, knowing that they wun know who shot at them
9. using the amphibious vehicle's anti-tank missile launcher as a way to get direct kill on players who pop out of nowhere.
10. looking at the bullets being deflected off ur tank(LOL!)
oh, i hate to mention his name again but wong ci apparently got killed by a vehicle which landed on his head. seriously, that's the saddest thing that can happen
and the coolest thing that i did today!
shooting down an UAV that was hovering above my base! that's the coolest frigging thing that u can ever do! it just felt like i was playing terminal velocity all over again! i also tried dive-bombing today. its cool, but no one was injured cos everyone was camping all over the place. not bad la. i got best sniper, best armor and some others..including 2nd best player etc. makes me feel good about myself all over again. but im so nerdy, that's why i deserve to become a good player. haha. nerds do well at such stuff. aiya im really a nerd. i check out bbc, msnbc, new scientist a few times a day sometimes. yet how can ppl see me as a beng? it doesn't make sense. i'm about to have an identity crisis. can i be a nerd and beng at the same time? seems that i've done so.
i'm so distant from myself
"plak!";
x 8:41 pm
HDI 2005- A look at the info that concerns us. [the interesting bit at the end]
alright, i came across this statistics which definitely turned me on and initiated my geographer's mindset. you can find this very useful piece of data at : http://hdr.undp.org/reports/global/2005/pdf/HDR05_HDI.pdf
are you ready for some of the observations that i picked up?(note:some of the patterns i identified may be region-centric,its a natural thing for me to be involved in our region and especially our most beloved country cos that's the way singaporeans behave..being self-centred;EGO as always)
individual indicators:
1. ppl always look for top 5, top 10 or top 25's. and u got it, we're top 25 on the human development index(HDI). that means we're number 25, cos we're asian u see. that's the way it is. so ra-ta-ta-ta-ta. the HDI corresponds to a figure of 0.907, with the Republic of Korea(28th place) having some catching up to do(of 0.006).
2.life expectancy at birth for singaporeans stands at 78.7. this is where numbers start to jumble and positions dun belong anymore. thankfully, this isn't all that bad. its quite a respectable figure, as singapore's life expectancy would lie between two other small countries, Belgium and the Luxembourg. notice that singapore always finds some similarity to countries that are surface area-challenged. all i did was to demonstrate this.
3. contrary to widely-held beliefs, singapore's literacy rate is nowhere near that 100%, or even that only probable real-life possibility of 99%. in fact, it is a sobering 92.5%, compared to the most other countries that rank 10 places below it, whereas the top 20 are taken to be 99%. however, one does not go around blaming the government. the illiterati is probably the bunch of postwar leftovers as they are probably known, and the other homeless, vagabondaged desperados. this is not meant to demean any group in society, but to acknowledge their existence.very often, they dun exist in our society. that's sad. this number does show that there's still quite a significant percentage of singaporeans who require assistance.
4.combined gross enrolment ratio for primary,secondary and tertiary schools for singapore isn't as impressive as we'd like to believe. it's 87%, which would make it rank 30th approx. this i've not much to say. the system is fairly capable and successful of getting ppl into the schools and providin for education already. even i wished it'd be higher.
5. GDP per capita : USD 24,481,PPP-adjusted. this number is misleading. our media almost never reports on the issue of the growing divide-our rising income inequalities. gini coefficient statistics indicate that the gap between the elites and peasantry is currently drifting apart even further. why our gdp per cap. is controversial and cause for concern. the numbers that make us seem like we all live in a not-bad state of welfare is due to the same situation occuring elsewhere in the world: the top 10% controlling 80% of the wealth, for example. this is the case of the disproportionate pyramids. therefore what im trying to illustrate is that, make no joke about it. most singaporeans never have this amount of income.
Trends:
In 1975, Singapore's HDI was the lowest amongst the current top 25, at a 0.725, which would be around the 100th place by today's standards. ever since, its growth has exceeded international expectations, accruing greater increments than many other countries then. a parallel can be found in south korea, only 3 places below Singapore's 25th.
Singapore amongst Developing Countries(not many people realise this but Singapore is still placed as a developing country.yes, face it we're not developed yet.):
Amongst the developing countries, hong kong is at the top, with singapore being second. we have a registered mortality rate (for up to 40 years of age, from birth) of 1.8. This is a figure truly deserving of our country's status as a biohub. However, illiteracy rates for adults ought to be decreased, as many pacific islands and carribean nations boast high literacy rates despite their lower HDI, GDP etc. surprisingly, 14% of children under age 5 are underweight. despite a eating disorder consisting of mcfodder causing a great deal of preliminary weight gain for the many mcfan denizens? this is truly amazing. but anything can be amazing. the author here was underweight for the first 8 years of his life. for the remaining ten, he has been overweight instead. thus, what we're really saying here is that statistics showing the percentage of underweight kids under 5 do not really matter.
Demographic Changes:
Singapore's current population growth rate is at an all-time low of 1.1, and fertility rate is at 1.4.(thus mortality rate is 1.4-1.1=0.3)this is far below replacement rate of 2.1. 2 for the parents, and 0.1 for the couples that never gave birth. its population growth is expected to slow down, though it will still increase, with ever-greater influx of chinamans and expats. of course u have the 'regional settlers' too. as for urban population, singapore has been a fully urban population centre since 1975. wow.
Of course, there are many more. the list is almost inexhaustible. as u can see, singapore is a good place to live in. it is 100% concrete jungle. heartlands or city areas dun matter cos you're still an urban soul without one. while its not that bad in its reputation on the overall, there are still areas that can be improved on. for example, adult illiteracy is still comparatively high. income inequalities, already wide enough, apparently are still drifting apart. this could practically be the fuel for future social tension to come. personally, it does possess greater destructive power than racial disharmony could ever hope to bring. alright,i was damn bored and decided to give u, the poor guy(or girl) this boring analysis that's far from being one. i'll relate the account of a loser below.
-----------------------------
my sis who's from admiralty sec(a neighbourhood school in woodlands) went to MI for her PAE. so most of her classmates are from the better schools it seems. and there's this arrogant SJI guy who keeps hurting my sister with his elitist comments. i'm like "what the hell man, this guy, you're in Millennia Institute, which is like, duh, the only place for those despo wannabes who wanna go to the JC. its the only place where those pathetic ppl will ever seek asylum and really get it. and so he starts to poke fun of my sister's intelligence and all. you win man. you're from SJI and so that means you're ten thousand times smarter than a neighbourhood kid. WOW. and the reason why i got involved in this is cos when he got to know my sister's brother,which happens to be me, if you did your logical deductions, actually belonged to a true-blue JC! wow! which is like duh, ten times better than that MI shit of urs. and he was like "WAHAHA. ur brother's from the JC eh? which one? YJ??? WAHAHA"
-------------------------------
fuck off man...im sure u suck dicks and drown on semen in ur free time u filthy pimping whore. im like so much better than u asswipe. you'll never come close, gay sji fag. we'll probably see you
1. either staying in MI and living not-so-happily-ever-after
2. going to poly grudgingly cos you are not cut-out to be 'one of us'(the top 25% of the cohorts: say-AWWWWWWWWW~)
3. ideally, landing up in a JC after ur filthy-rich mom and pop decide to contribute funds to make the learning environment (of a select neighbourhood jc)more conducive which is simply bribing. oh man. how funny it would be to see u withering in a place u deemed as purgatory or the like. my sis says you're clever. but, i beg to differ. if u were that smart, you wouldn't be in a place where, u know, u should've been to poly but for some stuck up reason still want to waste an extra year to get the coveted A level cert. so imo, though my sis says u have brains(and since she's from neighbourhood school as u said) i think its not too far off to say the average jc student(elite and neighbourhood ones combined) would probably have more brains. and more charisma.
4. IN HELL. duh. this we'll definitely see you in.
if i knew who this guy was, i'd probably do the world a service but serving him some swipes from me, a cat high guy. i'd then show him how neighbourhood school ppl can have siblings not from neighbourhood schools and who also function as a real ah beng. watch out. so what, if your entire familial legacy consists of SJI and SCGS and vast vaults of wealth? ur human development value probably allows you to shake hands only with friends of the african bloc, ppl who might be living better existences than you muck filter. well i myself might have been in this 'elitist' attitude at times but at least i keep it to myself and acknowledge it isn't the way to go. this guy simply has to learn how to stop hurting people. he simply won't belong. he's gonna get it sooner or later when society fulfils its role. society always fulfils its role.
and im sure he's one of those who'd so very often repeat this line like an election slogan,
"Get out of my elite, uncaring face."
good night.
"plak!";
x 6:51 pm
everyday is freaking siannnnnnnnn
looking like a beng is better than looking like a pathetic piece of self-depreciating junk. so i should be happy that this happened:charis thinking to herself,"wow, who's that ah beng standing there?"(after a few sec)"...wait! that looks like herrick!"and charis didn't even feel sorry about this. haha. so thank you very much.its funny that i suddenly realised charis and i share a similarity:we like to go out with dates one on one. cos in a group we'll tend to switch off. my reason's that there'll be some dominant ppl in a group, so my tendency is to let these ppl have whatever they want, which is attention. i dun mind it a bit, and that's when i switch off..of course there are other reasons..orthopaedic appointment tmr. i hope the doc will just discharge me once and for all. and im up to no good in delphinus again...
"plak!";
x 3:00 pm
primary 1 and 2s are so cute and adorable!!!
today was my last day in school..cos they got replacement alr..for the chinese teaching job. i can't believe i could survive and love them..i've like a fan club there. the kids all scream my name whenever they see me during recess or out of class..woots! so i've to be wary when i go causeway point..i may end up being real pai seh. i hope they'll call me back soon eh.
i'm so fortunate. teaching all these cute little kids..they're so huggable! all of them so cute and innocent! (primary 1 and 2 only) telling them the difference between 'bunny' and 'barney' in cme class and drawing out a fat dinosaur to show them what i meant was like the thing i'll always remember. there's this girl who realised my chinese sounds weird...she asked if i'm better at english! YEA! and she's only primary 1 and this smart...can even tell a person's accents and all..
but i guess, i let them know of 'cause and effect';'actions and consequences' in most of the classes. cme's quite fun. as zuhara said, teaching in ur mother tongue allows you a bond that u can't get in other subjects. its quite true. although as much as i hate to admit, i sound foreign enough whenever i speak chinese.
being with them makes my thoughts settled. they have what i already have lost. innocence. if only i could stay that way like them forever, without real worries. a girl asked me if im a 'big kid'. i just told her im a young man. they are forever so curious, so inquisitive, just like i am by nature. i'm not that far off from them. im only twice their age. and yet, we're so far apart already. kids being kids will always ask if u have a girlfriend. that struck me off for a while always. i thought i'll never be back after i graduated from my primary school, except to visit my few teachers remaining there during cny or teachers' day. but i did, as a teacher, returning the service. so sorry to the teachers who thought i was one of them:'untrained','trainees' or 'recently graduated from nie'. it can be quite disorienting, this thought. but seriously, if i were to work in the chinese dept if i ever go back as a full-fledged teacher, i know i wun do well, as much as the teachers already are pulling me and enticing me to come back..i'll probably be better off in the science or english department to be honest. its like my weakness, and even after these 2 days, i know it still is. but i did the impossible and proved people wrong by teaching chinese. alright. that includes me and myself. i won over myself.
"plak!";
x 8:08 pm
you are my sunshine
those kids back at my primary school made my day. i love you all, naughty as u might be. i'm not the best chinese teacher you can ever have, but you kids are the best students i'll ever have and always remember.
too bad 王老师 is gonna be replaced by a china woman. and she's gonna be ur fourth teacher, 3 graciousness and loyalty..im so sorry that i couldn't get to know u all better. i know i wanted to do so much for you guys. too bad, that woman just had to come so soon and spoil my hopes and dreams. but i'll be back in the future, just as the teachers said they'll call me back nomatterwhat. i hope i wun have to relief teach chinese again, because i seriously sound different=weird. but i'm doing a great job.
my teachers had the dilemma of deciding how they'll see me and zuhara..ex-students..or something more? colleagues! oh no, i feel awkward too. but its all a happy thing. at least i didn't quit after my first day. at least i didn't break down or what as i was warned. the kids didn't really climb all over me. i had a good impression. i think i just might be more productive if i were to teach in other subjects..
i was explaining this 深不见底..but oh dear. i didn't notice i had wrote this instead:
沉不见底.. i guess such things are expected :P (the attentive girls pointed out to me)
there are like 3 ongs in the school now. so a teacher jovially recited, oh!
老王，女王，小王! LOL
too bad im leaving tmr.hah. but i look forward to serving my alma mater again!
the next time i'm out at admiralty place or causeway point, who knows? maybe some kid might shout out,"王老师!" and i will smile to them, knowing that i made their day. and maybe i might cry, because i will miss them so much.
its the experience of my life. even if i didn't get paid or what i wouldn't mind. at least i amifferent from a normal relief teacher. i often thought they all suck. those that took the class. they still do. i'll make the difference though. hah. taking out the chair, reading books and asking the class to shut up while the next-door teacher comes in a gives a whopping, and gives u a slight smile. hah. no way. that's so bullshit. this kind of teachers never got my respect anyway. and in this world, u want respect, u have to earn it!
"plak!";
x 8:59 pm
designation, chinese teacher
alright, i seem to finally be getting my job..chinese teacher in my primary school. it is a joke, yet it isn't. its true man. you gotta believe you can do it! and not only that, i'll be taking primary 1 and 2 classes for their civics and moral education. of course, there'll be other relief duties. at long last. but all these will come to fruition ONLY if that teacher i'm supposed to replace hands in her resignation letter on the morrow. but i should be getting it. heh. i was surprised why me, to teach chinese when there were other ex-classmates who would do a better job. alright then, time to be nice to small kids. but i still find it hard that i'll be writing, reading chinese characters soon..its kind of a huge nightmare i must say. even the chinese i use is so simple and for the sake of it. its simply so unsophisticated that my students probably won't learn much vocab with me. they're still better off with their ciyushouce i guess. haha. and there's a cute ghost to say boo at the end of every post.
current gym standings:
1.tampines
2.bishan
3.yiochukang
will be updated as jian qi and i continue to tour the gyms..haha..gym leaders in accordance to competence are:yck,tampines,bishan. lol gym leaders. my name for those ppl there.
oh of course, i came from cat high. being a truly bilingual gentleman(WOW thanks mr lee hak boon!!!), of course i will demonstrate my aptitude and mastery of both languages. as a relief teacher i shall tolerate no chinese. mwahaha. afterall, i love english more. heheh...and as a chinese relief teacher, i shall tolerate no english..
"plak!";
x 9:05 pm
enjoying my mapling days(what a misleading heading =P)
going to gym with jian qi nowadays..i can see he's really quite into it, and i'm accompanying him. i'm making do for the loss of muscles potentially gained from entering in dec/jan, so that's why. and i haven't exercised for a hell long time. my legs hurt running on the treadmill, but luckily, have no problems for a good part of those stations. i should go run soon. i haven't done that yet. but i know i'm cutting down my weight fast, if im not wrong, the 2x2 sessions i had so far have cut down 2.5 kg? and i didn't even sweat much(that i didn't bother changing my shirt even :X) seriously ppl on benchpresses are either rude or buay zhi tong. they do stuff like put their towels on it and go elsewhere doing some other funny stuff, or put on the heaviest weights they can find on both sides so that noobs like us never get a chance. seriously! what the hell's that for? and about the rude part, try it, and you'll know! (though if you're lucky, you get a great bunch of ppl giving tips and encouragement,of course) assuming we really go 4 times a week..well...i should be looking as full of 'MUS-KLES'(quoth si min aha) as chee wei looks now. i feel a certain sense of envy, knowing that my life will finally be in place with army..same as school provided structure and things to think about instead of what i'm doing now, which is deciding when to fire the grenade launcher or deciding where to infiltrate or which server to join...life is such a bore nowadays!! can the schools or tuition agency call me and give me something to do? i dun care about money!! just wanna do something constructive, feel like i'm a part of the economy other than through consumption expenditure, to while my time away on useful stuff in which i really learn things...ahhhh.....and i remember that i promised to go out with lots of ppl but have yet to do so :(
everyone in life is special. haha. even ur enemies. you might even admire them at times too. everyone is beautiful, too. but reality strikes and suddenly the world doesn't feel right. oh well, but i believe in superheroes. u might not be superwoman, but you just provided whichever i needed so badly. i am so so happy to be with you as always. last year, i finally believed that friendship is forever. i might be anti-social, but it feels so good to have that few friends to always talk to, and express concern for. friends like you give me direction in an otherwise meaningless journey. so grateful for everything i have. as hz said, i shouldn't always think im so downtrodden cos she dumped me. there are other ppl living far worse existences than me. think of those terminally ill, without friends, family, love and hope...i still have friends around me who care..something i didn't really have in cat high. finally, we're all going to be adults..young adults..i am beginning to convince myself that its exciting to enter that stage at last..
to dear dirty little dumb girl:
i knew you could read my mind! haha..so could i. u knew, and so did i know that you did. no wonder we can be such best friends eh? i know we'll be fine, but i dun regret, cos i can finally feel at ease. no longer have to hide :) 6 hours talktime sometime soon? hehe..
and the lesson i learnt today, names such as best friends or good friends or whatever fanciful name they come in, they don't matter. as long as friendship is true, is all-loving, is kind. as long as you yourself know what kind of friend they mean to you, vice versa. that's all it'll need. close friends. afterall, there's a thin line between names as such. and a final confession:i love everyone around me. i know i don't look like it and do things to not prove it, but i do love everyone. even those who've hurt me before. everyone is unique. once gone, they'll never return.(im sorry if i sound like a christian, but im sorry that im not and i dun think u can categorise values according to christian, confucian, etc..yeah u get the drift)
never definites, only possibilities. all of them in my mind at anyone time.
"plak!";
x 11:48 pm
"yea yea! best friends forever" you said.
before we got attached, we agreed no mattter what happened, best friends we shall be forever.
indeed something happened, and a couple no longer we were.
however, i forgave you on the condition that we kept the promise, that we'd still be best friends.
you agreed, hastily. i was happy that i could finally give a damn about a person in my life in the long run.
more than a month later, you said you no longer wanted me as a best friend.
u cannot imagine how much i have gone through..its simply beyond the grasp of any human..this and that..everything altogether..you claim that i have broken your trust, but do you know how many obstacles that i had to fight against that would have prevented it from being broken? i bet you never knew. you only cared when u thought it was broken. and now you just want to be my good friend. haha. some things, i am very particular about. i saw this coming anyway. its so easy to break it down. 1.tell him we remain as best friends so that he can break up with me. 2. stay as best friends for the moment so that he can be alright. 3. drift away from him so that he'd never have designs on me again..yay!!happily ever after.
-no. i thought, let's remain as best friends since it'd be such a waste to dispose of it just cos a relatonship failed. maybe u thought so too. but no way, i wun have feelings for you again. i just want a pure friendship. even if u treat me like a good friend as u say, i will also treat you like my best friend still. i hope that the names really don't matter much as u told me so. and even if u really treat me like a good friend. i hope u realise that personally, good friends are closer to best friends than any other group. so there you go. i've always let you make up your mind that i have no say. BUT WHY CAN'T I HAVE IT MY WAY, JUST ONCE? FOR THIS VERY ONCE? A BEST FRIEND, IS THAT HARD TO KEEP?
i really really need you. second time in the week, my tears are welling again..
flashback..
"I also want to always be ur best friend FOREVER, but u dun wanna give me a chance."
i gave you this chance cos i managed to break out of my misery and not hate you, but to forgive you and let you have a chance at making up for everything because you are my best friend" note. 5 mins ago before this message she just put down the phone to tell me she wanna break up. can u imagine how much it took for me to agree to this? and i took it as seriously as the break up.
you agreed to walk me out of the darkness, but seriously, you were rarely there with me, and i'm still not out of it. it hurts the most because i know how you think, yet i am helpless to change the situation. you were always the one who dictated the way things turned out. even now. you agreed that nothing much changes as much as u could try to..i really believed in you. i have never trusted anyone this much. i have never cared for anyone this much. i really hope i can continue to do so for you. its the only way for me to get out of this deep shit afterall. of course, i have another way. but far more risky. but if i have no choice i will do it. i can't be in this shit when im enlisted, non? something has to be done.
maybe i'm over-reacting. but only you, hong zhi, would know. yea. best friend.
"plak!";
x 12:06 am
useless post for the sake of typing practice
i went back to mapling these few days, created a warrior that i took seriously for the first time in delphinus. ah, the nice feeling of underpopulation in the maple world. my highest level was a lightning/ice mage in cassiopeia lv 47. these 2 screenshots are kinda funny.
outside kerning: on the world channel some guy is recruiting 'deframers'. it seems that he's about to strike the metropolitan museum
of fine arts, so he needs pre-emptive infiltration to remove the heavy oaken frames of those works he is about to loot. so there u go, 10 k for each frame taken off.
in the tree of slimes: some guy, probably just 1000 experience points below me, started asking me for slime bubbles. in my mind i had the mistaken association of slime bubble to the green slime, which is 12.5 times worthless than the former. but in anyway, why should i give those to him? he probably wasn't very smart..he replied my last line with a FFIIINNNNEEEEE. hah that's real funny, and made my day. i really hate beggars. not to mention my past habit of coming up with a 'i detest beggars' response to those who are guilty of it.
and its kind of sad, i spent 1 week each on trickster and pirate king online..got it to decent levels, but lost interest in them so quick. though they are innovative, different in some way...but i preferred maple story still. i hate point-clicking cos my fingers got worn out easily..and pirate king online is just like runescape, just bigger...way way bigger...
but the best first person shooter even must be ET.i finally returned to castle wolfenstein after 1 whole month.lol. did u notice? PUN! its fun cos of the need for teamwork. as usual, rambo medic me goes about supporting fallen feldwehr..distributing badly needed bandages and reviving comrades with my prick, i mean, syringe. and i'll get top frag in the meanwhile...dun ask me how...i just do it..and maybe get loads of decorations on the way..the only thing is that my ping on the swedish server is 550. what the hell. even china lags. get those cables back...grrr...
"plak!";
x 10:45 pm
scorn for couples heh
why do people always set about achieving something, when they are aware(or might not be;doesn't matter) that the common eventuality returns almost always? of failed relationships and broken hearts.
i shouldn't be too gloomy about myself. most people you see holding hands on the streets probably aren't in love. it isn't true, genuine altruistic love, but just an enhanced yearning for company, amongst other reasons. for that, i'm grinning. i know what it means to be in love. but i do not know how to put it down, for no words ever substitute true love anyway. and if the world proves me that true love will never exist and never manifest, i'll take it. i wun bear a grudge.
most people start panicking and looking for mates when they start being labelled old bags, which can be as early as 24 imo? then after a few 'tries', they both tell each other they found their true love in each other. oh man, how loserly can that get? but it happens, non? by that time, they just got even older. so, no time to lose. haha. if i were in this plight, i wouldn't even consider it. i'm probably better off single, though i know, i never care for myself, but only those close to me.
my gut feeling tells me i'll end up a vagabond. or maybe rover, wanderer, troubadour...
maybe like priests who know they could have ended up earning all the money they could never imagine and have humongous families but who chose that path..maybe...just maybe......but likely...
i admit, i feel sour, bitter whenever i see couples together. it gets even worse when they kiss in public. memories..if only i had amnesia. but i would forget everything that we put in, though it came to nought. so much wasted time.
you would go, no point crying about spilt milk. but it wasn't me who spilt the milk. true, but isn't that the point about this saying, that no matter who spilt it, as long as its on the floor, no one drinks anymore? its still myself i'm blaming for everything though.
would you please stop acting guilty, herr.
"plak!";
x 4:34 am
mmmmmm....misa!
i find myself increasing out of place with people. isn't it natural that everyone would laugh at the sight of L's stupid mask? i never did. smiled, at most. same with other movies..when people laugh i'm still silent. perhaps someone could cure me and bring me back to society? haha
when asked which girl was better-looking, instinct told me it was takada the newscaster..but i can't allow myself to think that is so..i know, with those C cups, 1.7 m and long legs who can resist it? but no, cos it reminded me of a particular someone, i had to force myself to say that she's not the better one.. so i chose asane..cute girl..haha..
if u think i'm out of misery, think again. i'm still burning. it still hurts. justin, blunt as usual, said something like i can't get out of it cos i still want to think about it and those stuff, unlike him, cos he's learnt to let go so easily..not that i can fault him, cos its the fact, no matter how blunt it may be. but i'm letting go, maybe just holding back more than i should. i need help. when i go into army, if i still have this in my mind, i'm all set for self-destruction. and i know it. perhaps i'll have to pour out my emotions to my confidante..its been such a long while that i kept everything inside of me and all the ghosts are haunting me now, again. if i can't take it, i might just break apart.
"plak!";
x 12:10 am