|| .burnynng on just lyke a matchh you stryyke to incynerate ||

to escape from this psychological mess of your creation

you might have been a bitch but i don't hate you. the world is not so simple. hating you won't solve the agony you have caused me. playing computer games the whole day does not make me forget(=problem solved) but only suspends it in a stasis. why am i still so nice to you. i still blame it on myself, not that i had a part to play unfortunately. whenever people ask, i make it seem like i was the one at fault. i see more scorn than sympathy on people's faces. 'yup, herrick deserved that so much cos he's such a jerk to the rest of us.'. advice i get now is only making me feel more like some maligned freak. give and take. i always gave. right to the end.

in breakups, usually, both parties are out of options. but i got the most invalid of reasons. no more feelings. felt played. felt betrayed. felt alone. excellent job. u dumped the best guy u could ever have for some lousy excuse posing as a reason. you were out of options. u never told me. i tried to dig it from you. u never told me. i always had options for everyone. but it just came.

fine, we broke up and you're finally happy. please stop telling me, "if you want to hate me go ahead cos i'm fine with that". you don't get it. i'm feeling so very negative all because i feel as if i were stabbed in the back. i'm trying to let my wounds heal. hating you for all the hurt you've unnecessarily caused? i can't be bothered with that too. i always knew you, but you never knew me. you were too selfish, loving yourself. u never gave. i never minded.

my best friends.
i dun talk much to xavier and marian. in fact i can say i almost never talk to them. they are the harsh ones who would punch me in the stomach and tell me to forget i ever had a girlfriend like you. if they had a chance, they would just format my phone and my comp just to get you out of my life and to get me to stop thinking about you(priority nowadays). they bring me back to harsh reality, which i thought i was well equipped for.

si min is the soft one who would cheer me up and make me feel positive about myself. she would have kept her comments about you to herself cos she knows i won't like people talking bad about you. sucks that one moment she was comforting me and the next moment i did likewise for her. that was the worst week i had ever lived. i really thought i would never believe in romantic love ever again. she knew my weakness. that's you. hah. you knew it too, but never gave a fucking damn shit. that's why u felt nothing but joy when i was forced to break up with you. all the "hey, at least you..." comforting words never seemed to dampen my misery. of course, most of these words came from myself, though u were quite quick in coming up with a few for me. all these such as "hey, at least i dun have to live in insecurity which u needlessly created for me anymore" or "hey, at least i can still love you in other ways although you'll never love me again(or did u ever?BIG question mark there) or "hey, at least u promised to remember the sacrifices that i made or the sweet memories that we had"..it goes on..the most significant has to be the second 'hey'.

and you, my dear ex-girlfriend whom i so dearly loved but was forced to stop loving(like what the fuck) are my best friend too.but you are more imbalanced. you might be softer than even si min nowadays because you are trying to comfort me but you were always the harshest to me.
i never minded.

i'm too tired to go on. will resume when i feel like THIS again.

"plak!";
x 2:07 am

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