the dirty little dumb girl whom i most admire
this is my 3rd post in 10 minutes. and its dedicated to the woman who got me through the worst crisis in my life. i'm not totally out of the entire thing to be honest with myself, but cos of her, i can say i'm fairly normal now(by being the usual eccentric me). we always have great times together. we were there for each other in our greatest moment of loss(by the standards of then). we have been corrupting each other with our criminal mindsets as well, calling each other dirty little dumb boy/girl since time immemorial, and on every occasion, we still share the qualities, if not wholly possess them individually. but ever since that fateful week in that fateful month, both of us have matured so much; i should just take away that 'little', leaving it as dirty dumb boy/girl. we're no longer immature and we've both learnt so much, from our own reflections, and from each other. i haven't learnt much from other people, i freely admit. we always have reason to laugh. to be happy. you
can read my mind, can't you? heh. i wished you could, but i wished you couldn't.
i haven't laughed to that degree until yesterday, with all the comical boyfriend allegations, vixen pictures, and as usual, dumb comments we always love to make :) i can read your mind too. maybe i am in your mind even? i was happy that the quake happened, just unhappy that it didn't get her :P seriously, i've always thought vixens were of a certain...
calibre. i know i just had a good laugh. it was like seeing gorbachev with long brown hair and dressed in a white ballet suit. i know its damn bad but i just want to laugh at her.
im supposed to know everything about you..but i don't yet. maybe i would. friends such as us are supposed to last an eternity isn't it? pretty much untouched from the issues that we saw in that 'monster house' such as drugs, negative stereotypes, childhood adolescence, sex, etc. we're just us.
i wonder if i'm supposed to, but i'm starting to. i think i'm not supposed to, but hey! why must it always happen! the more i try to run from it, the more i pretend, the more i ignore, the more i find myself in it! is it really true what they say..MAN!
"plak!";
x 12:42 am
a night out
first time at a pub. u can see jian qi's obviously very happy, striking his trademarked copyrighted gay pose(s), chee wei, chilling out now that he's out from 2 weeks of island warfare with the natural and the far-beyond natural,and us the 5 who were at archipelago's.last pic is of me. i'm still alive, looking more gay than ever, something i suspect si min would say(though i'm far from it). we had beers, wine for me and cocktails shared. that kamikaze i ordered really lived up to its name. i was already transforming into a copy of the red wine i drank already, and that lemony drink was quite lethal by then, i felt. jian qi and i consumed the freeflow peanuts at a faster rate than the 3 of them. "maaaann!",quoth my best friend. yup chee wei, i will treasure my civilian life. just hope that i get into pes E though.. courtesy of my chronic lower back pain and inability to carry heavy weights. as in serious, an ex-hockey boy like me having such things...sucks. well we just might be meeting again on new year for a movie or something..this time its guys and girls yeah!ur ex class rep here should be more proactive huh, but i guess i have my own ...(fav word coming up....!) ISSUES.
"plak!";
x 12:25 am
christmas eve pics
yearly christmas eve gathering with my family:
scrabble mainly done by my 2 primary 6 cousins..seriously, i had NO part in it, including motivation and execution, despite my beng inclinations..i'm innocent!!! and a pic of us cousins excluding eddy 2 years senior my age. i think we all look similar in some way. not that i can explain, but i'm happy to think i look like them. and last pic is of my not-so happy family. my parents are younger than they look.
"plak!";
x 12:16 am
this week in corrugated texts
life's just like monopoly.
i happened to land on the Community Chest square and got myself a
"You have been awarded the Good Progress Award. Receive $200."
wow,just like that. anyway its not just me. my good old sis apparently flunked her midyears and the other previous common tests too. but since she's younger than me so she got $150 only. well-done anyway. haha. i haven't got such things for years!
i remember primary 1 to 4 was damn fun. 1st all the way. primary 4 was even first in standard! clara my cute cousin got 1st in primary 1 this year too. i hope she'll continue the streak. she's just so deceptively innocent. she still behaves like a shy 5 year old girl but she's already so clever.
so happy. sunday is gonna be christmas eve celebrations. ever since johnny jiu jiu and his family moved into the casablanca, we've been having xmas celebrations there. seems that it will be a new trend. it will be a raucous, immensely joyous occasion. no doubt, relatives will ask me about my breakup, but i will convince them that i'm not so gullible and i've learnt all i could about such things. my mind's filled with girls now. that's a good thing. when i was attached to hong zhi, i cut myself off and made it second nature to NOT look at girls. but now, i guess i'm slowly returning to normal. my pre-attached self.
but beauty is only skin-deep. its sad that for most, we are attracted because of beauty. but again, we have little choice. how often do you get to know someone inside out, then get allured to and from then on initiate a romantic relationship? not very. in fact, i only know less than 5 such people in my life.i may be quick at empathising with human behaviours and mentalities, but that doesn't translate to knowing everyone easily. that's so sad. i dun like stating my points. the reasoning is easier. hah.
im speaking in a super random manner. stuff like ms winnie tan is chio. or like, i am a girl, and that my sis is a boy. hmmm,working with shannon and jonathan is interesting. i've been bullied by them lah! they call me names, blame me for every mistake and call me names like metro. that's damn bad la! but i had a great time, seriously. we all love our bosses. auntie kristine and aunt soy. the latter drives us to and fro the workplace and buys us lunch. seriously, i would have never thought that a boss could be so nice to us. she even advises us, counsels us..i'm quite touched by them. thank you so much..i wasn't thinking about earning real money, but was initially thinking of how not to while my time away on the comp. seems that i really got more than i bargained for. in the utmost positive sense ;) and the other jonathan who joined me, though he's a total stranger to us, he's not that bad. found out today that he was in the same combined choir as i was in sec 2. in jc he took track as cca. and both of us will have never looked the choir type. which led pei yu to exclaim in horror upon discovery of both our common history. and we were busy guessing from what school pei yu was from. st nics'? was she sec 1? but when soy asked, she replied ntu, year 2, mass comm. omg la. i did comment that its a good thing ppl always mistake her for a sec school kid,cos to me, most university girls are given the unglamorous title of 'old bag'.
maybe i should call up trevor and ask for his job offer in sembawang sec. since im an approved relief teacher anyway. and it'd be 1 stop away for me. damn good. or even a couple of bus stops. right now, i'm thinking about money. HAHA. hong zhi and janice would pity my students. well, be glad i'm not going to be posted as a PE teacher. quite impossible too i guess. my thoughts are in a whirl.
isn't it weird if someone keeps looking at you in school. and if it happens for at least a year? the complication is that you keep looking back just as much. that's how u know that that person was looking at you isn't it. it'd be good to have such ppl as friends. i somehow feel that.
"plak!";
x 12:46 am
fetish for ah lians
favourite consolation from my friends to me : "dun give up the whole forest because of one tree."
favourite reply from me : "its not a tree, its a bamboo!"
laughs.
there are 4 types of ah lians.
1.foul-mouthed hostile damn bu shuang lians
2.act cute, 'smiley-faced' lians obsessed with pink and everything pink
3.death cultist, gothic, clad in noir and skulls lians
4.silent,mysterious,secretive,enigmatic lians, who may not behave like lians but look it.COOL.
and my favourite would be number 4,then it goes down..enjoying the spread of ah lians woohoo!(no innuendoes embedded) the best was at downtown east. though not many high quality lians, but still lians are lians and the sight of them makes me bloated with joy. i wonder why. used to call u my lian lian. wonder if i'll ever find the next lian. but i'll almost be sure she'll be of number 4. u can say its the most unlianish though. moderation yr'no.
hey wait, how about ah huay? did i leave anyone out?
"plak!";
x 5:50 pm
to escape from this psychological mess of your creation
you might have been a bitch but i don't hate you. the world is not so simple. hating you won't solve the agony you have caused me. playing computer games the whole day does not make me forget(=problem solved) but only suspends it in a stasis. why am i still so nice to you. i still blame it on myself, not that i had a part to play unfortunately. whenever people ask, i make it seem like i was the one at fault. i see more scorn than sympathy on people's faces. 'yup, herrick deserved that so much cos he's such a jerk to the rest of us.'. advice i get now is only making me feel more like some maligned freak. give and take. i always gave. right to the end.
in breakups, usually, both parties are out of options. but i got the most invalid of reasons. no more feelings. felt played. felt betrayed. felt alone. excellent job. u dumped the best guy u could ever have for some lousy excuse posing as a reason. you were out of options. u never told me. i tried to dig it from you. u never told me. i always had options for everyone. but it just came.
fine, we broke up and you're finally happy. please stop telling me, "if you want to hate me go ahead cos i'm fine with that". you don't get it. i'm feeling so very negative all because i feel as if i were stabbed in the back. i'm trying to let my wounds heal. hating you for all the hurt you've unnecessarily caused? i can't be bothered with that too. i always knew you, but you never knew me. you were too selfish, loving yourself. u never gave. i never minded.
my best friends.
i dun talk much to xavier and marian. in fact i can say i almost never talk to them. they are the harsh ones who would punch me in the stomach and tell me to forget i ever had a girlfriend like you. if they had a chance, they would just format my phone and my comp just to get you out of my life and to get me to stop thinking about you(priority nowadays). they bring me back to harsh reality, which i thought i was well equipped for.
si min is the soft one who would cheer me up and make me feel positive about myself. she would have kept her comments about you to herself cos she knows i won't like people talking bad about you. sucks that one moment she was comforting me and the next moment i did likewise for her. that was the worst week i had ever lived. i really thought i would never believe in romantic love ever again. she knew my weakness. that's you. hah. you knew it too, but never gave a fucking damn shit. that's why u felt nothing but joy when i was forced to break up with you. all the "hey, at least you..." comforting words never seemed to dampen my misery. of course, most of these words came from myself, though u were quite quick in coming up with a few for me. all these such as "hey, at least i dun have to live in insecurity which u needlessly created for me anymore" or "hey, at least i can still love you in other ways although you'll never love me again(or did u ever?BIG question mark there) or "hey, at least u promised to remember the sacrifices that i made or the sweet memories that we had"..it goes on..the most significant has to be the second 'hey'.
and you, my dear ex-girlfriend whom i so dearly loved but was forced to stop loving(like what the fuck) are my best friend too.but you are more imbalanced. you might be softer than even si min nowadays because you are trying to comfort me but you were always the harshest to me.
i never minded.
i'm too tired to go on. will resume when i feel like THIS again.
"plak!";
x 2:07 am
