|| .burnynng on just lyke a matchh you stryyke to incynerate ||

reflections.. in the water..on the mirror..

i must be a bad boy. cos i made you my girlfriend. that makes you a bad girl. but you're a stupid girl. no one asks their parents if its alright to have a boyfriend, and you did. ur mum would already know. its so obvious. but i must be crazy. i tell my parents about my girlfriend, you. not much anyway. they're neutral, just as i knew they would be. my usually passive father was quite violent in his opposition to me getting my ear pierced. sometimes he's the conservative one, most other times its my mother. but they're both rather liberal. helps that their wedding anniversary was just a few days ago. my dad was born one year before singapore's independence, and my mum was born on that year. i'm so fortunate to have them so young. i'm so lucky. the younger one's parents are, the more they are able to know what you are feeling. intuitive. but it works both ways, sometimes good sometimes bad. i haven't spoken like this for quite some time. it seems weird to me. its as if i'm suddenly a good boy. but then, i probably am. i do the grocery for my family, i buy the meals. isn't that enough to qualify me as a good boy? mother's day went past just as if there wasn't such a day but my mum didn't want me to buy anything so i didn't. i'm always thinking, what's the point if you're so artificially or exaggeratedly nice to someone close to you just for that one day in every year? isn't it much better to treat everyone around you nice for everyday of the year? that's too much of a utopia though i feel cos not everyone would do the same to you. but at least i have someone who will be nice to be every moment now. it does feel good to be loved.

how funny that hong zhi came to settle the score with me cos i deliberately didn't wanna message her. it still feels weird. all along i thought my dear never knew how to love. cos she always denied that she would eventually do so. all the months of self-denial, however painful, are over. no longer have to tell myself that you're out of my grasp and you'll never be with me so i'll settle for you as a friend for as long as we will be. i guess you knew i was doing that all the while though i tried my best to conceal my feelings for you still. it does make me feel that i forgot every vestige of you being a normal friend of mine the moment you were mine. all of a sudden, i can finally tell myself. you're so beautiful and i can now look into your eyes without you resisting, without you feeling out of place. ah how i hope we'll be like this forever. i always thought fairy tales were silly, too medieval. i do believe in them now. through the months of sad times,there finally is a happy ending to our story. you needn't have made me sad for these months if you had told me how you felt all along, and when you did, everything felt right. but perhaps this was indeed the toughest test for us already. just over a month ago, it was still like what do you do when the only person who can comfort you was the person who made you sad in the first place? that was why i was always in anguish. that kind of feeling was such a piercing torment. though i pretended to smile and be happy.

everything of the negative sort is gone now and i am truly happy. getting in touch with my feelings seems more crucial than to report on my life. which includes 5 make up PEs to compensate for not going for afternoon PE. all to be cleared by next week? haha. life has its ups and downs but just like a growth chart, when you draw a line, its a slope going upwards. and life has its stagnant points too. just like the econs test which i messed up and i knew i probably would mess up in that way and indeed i did, so i maintained my 'perfect' score of 40. while other things are improving and even my pd tutor says so for me. simple acknowledgements like this help a lot, but no one can help as much as hong zhi, of course, and its true..feels good to get a 30/50 for my gp essay, though u may say its nothing much. all along i've never passed, getting some confidence-smashing grade of 18/50. all these seem so mundane now. haha what's there to fear when you're standing with me, looking into the mirror. i can only see things getting better all cos of you my dear^^

"plak!";
x 8:40 pm

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