|| .burnynng on just lyke a matchh you stryyke to incynerate ||

policy of neutrality?

these days,i dun really talk much.maybe i would see an occasional ex-dwelling mate and give a passionate greeting.but we're always going in the opposite directions whenever we meet.the time i talk most would be in the morning when i'm seated in the safety of my cat high mates.ok my days in aj aren't that bad as it sounds lah;i know more people everyday,and am trying very hard to memorise all their names!even cat high ppl whom i've seen for 4 years but never cared a hoot at,have suddenly become my friends.so,that is a positive sign.but the more friends i make,the quieter i get.it's freaking me out.i'm so afraid of myself now.i dun talk,for fear of saying the wrong things.i'm not egoistic,but there's a feeling i'm crumbling back to my anti-socialism,though in school i may be cheerful,wear the widest grin:i dun get it.

but now i think i do.everyone else has so much more to talk because they have opinions.i don't.i've always been so pacifist since sec 4,to this extent that i really rarely talk bad about anything.my mind works 2 ways now,agree/disagree,get interested and talk more/dun bother and shut down.this shouldn't be the case.i always thought sitting in the middle of the fence would be the best thing to do.suddenly i remember the twelve kingdoms.yoko nakajima hurt the people around her and herself too,just because she was trying too hard to be nice to everyone by accommodating to her friends and trying to be neutral about everything.now i get it.the immediate effects of being neutral are that you will not be hated by anyone,and everyone treats you nicely.long term effects.erm...it's more damaging personally.i dun know what i'm typing here.mind's a wreck.

i think i miss those days.those days when i felt myself,truely happy.but my memory is real bad.i couldn't even memorise my class number,and i forgot the names of the classmates i talked to today.that's how bad it is.nowadays my voice is quite soft i guess.so unlike me.the days when i talked like a serpent and screamed the heads off people.those days when i was really angry,and you heard wrath dispensed with every utterance.that defined character.but now,i'm being nice to everyone.am i trying too hard?but it comes naturally to me to be nice to people.but i dun feel comfortable anymore. maybe i've been too hardened these 4 years such that i feel miserable trying to be myself.of course you can already see i am delusional/disillusioned(never cared about their differences).ah well,i'm not making sense to anyone now.i shall stop here.impressions are very important you know.and i've done a good job of making a bad one.hah.

"plak!";
x 10:06 pm

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