|| .burnynng on just lyke a matchh you stryyke to incynerate ||

whywhywhy-help needed

Eons since I last blogged-10 days to be exact.last Saturday I went to the gym with junhao;my first time there in fact.obviously this noob didn’t have any common sense so he didn’t do his warm ups.so I suffered a lot of cramps there for no good reason whatsoever….well-deserved.that should have taught me a lesson.i still remember this young woman,about 20 years old,complaining to her male friend…while junhao and I just stared at them wide-mouthed…such a poor guy.i got the impression that he got scolded for no reason at all.only a thought resided in my mind and I asked junhao “want a girlfriend?think again!”hahahaha…it (the incident) will happen to some guy sooner or later…haha…but then again,not all catholic high school boys have the correct sexual orientation…well that’s good for me.less competition mwahahahha…but maybe not!they will just say I’m gay!arghhhh!I really can’t stand the sight of broken wrists!nor the bimbotic laughter(they’re competing with girls).yucks.i still dun understand why catholic high has to have such ppl.tarnish the (already-nonexistent) reputation.hmpppphhh.gross.

I spent the rest of the week talking nonsense and acting like a madman in class.if one day I really go mad,there is no need to be surprised.i’m much too solemn already.i take things too seriously.this world is really a very confused place to live in.i realised that Singaporeans are living in a world of their own.the competition here is a self-fuelled one.i do not think that other countries will have such lifestyles.if you realise,we are thriving on nothingness.not much material value here.you see,we have no natural resources.we make our living from what other people sell to us.it’s not a nice feeling to have.yea yea all the talk to inflate ourselves…what high-class people,educated…all’s a farce.we’re really scavengers.something like the bourgeois.i feel like this place is a zerg hive.we’re all in this thick and opaque,nothingcomesclose shell…and when we sprout,we fly off in all directions.just discovered there is indeed a word to describe this maturing process:dehiscent.it’s just waiting to happen.u always have people here complaining about foreign talent.yea yea I must use this ‘yea yea’again.reminds me that Singaporeans are losers.yea yea and all that talk about ‘multiracial potpourri’.dream on.the people here are obviously still not able to see the big picture.the foreigners want to live here,duh.we are still too conservative at the moment.why is it that a Singaporean will always make a commotion when he sees a Caucasian?reminds me of mountain tortoises.oh,and they aren't desirable creatures.

I’m indeed sorry that you had to read that.i hope prime minister lee hsien loong can really bring Singaporeans out of their tortoise shells.even I consider myself one.it’s like Singaporeans are really in a world of their own.here comes the common-yet-tough to solve question.”why do we study so hard?”.i really have no idea too,but I’m trying to explore the possibilities here.adults would be prompt in reminding us something(something is used as they never tell us exactly what to do,cos they don’t know too) like “so that you have discipline in your work” ====> I still see no correspondence.okay right now I would prefer another answer.’so that you will be able to use this knowledge you acquire to teach the kids of tomorrow’.sounds satisfactory enough?that is why I aspire to be a teacher.u know all the stuff already,you know how to teach cos your teachers have taught you provided you do notice,you know what nonsense to expect from a bunch of idiots,you know everything already!or else another explanation would be ‘so we wouldn’t be ignorant fools’.but isn’t there a saying ‘happy are the ignorant?’.now I know why I can never be happy.the pandora’s box is ajar when you start school already.

Heh. speaking of such ‘biblical quotes’(I think that was a dig at the beatitudes),I’ve been suffering in school.i just hate it when some Christian or religious speaker goes to the front and tells you stories that have never happened,analogies that are not true,and they always use god in what they say.which is what has happened for about 1 or 2 weeks already.i am so shocked at why people are so ignorant.can’t they see it is a ploy to convert them to Christianity?people still clap over it.damn,brainwashing can really happen.why can’t mr lee hak boon respect our religious faith(none in my case)?is it really necessary to bring in people from church to tell us of god’s goodness?someone spare me.i dun mind him using god in every sentence already(implies a already very tolerant me)..grrr…still remember aaron saying ‘dun use god’s name in vain’.cos that’s from the ten commandments anyway.so mr lee is always guilty of it.”no matter what,god will provide” haha…see the vanity?but didn’t they say if you don’t help yourself,no one would help you?(duh,if you help yourself,you have solved your problem,and you should then thank god.haha.add a * WOW! * )

Recently I feel I have been losing myself.really.i know that I am radically changing,yet I do not know in which aspects.i really fear the day when I would hate myself.and people would too.i haven’t been of myself of late,I think.i’m really getting weird,and I don’t even know why I say that.could someone tell me what’s wrong with me?or is it just my innate pessimism again?ahh I think I know.i’ve been very judgmental recently.i used to be neutral in almost everything,but recently I have been unleashing my fury gwahahaha…somehow I think that I’ve been mr nice guy for too long,and that the hatred in me is wanting to get out.yep I hope it’s an entirely external element of me.i’m real sorry If I’m going to be real insensitive.maybe it’s the impending exams.i’m feeling the stress to perform well.yet,my parents do not give me stress.i’m jealous of everyone.their parents encourage their children to do well,but well,my mum is only concerned about letting me know how much injustices she has gone through her whole life.every insignificant event would be blown-up and given significant meaning.sounds like a mental disorder?all the better to know that I have the propensity to just …explode.

Also I’ve been very straightforward.both consciously and subconsciously using no tact in my language.making me a very unpleasant person sometimes.i even asked my mum why she doesn’t care about my education at all.she just said something like (in Chinese) “I do care,why else do u think I would pay the money for your tuition.”can you feel my anger now?!I’m so helpless.perhaps nobody can understand.so fine,she wins and continues ranting about either the china-ese neighbour next door,or the ex neighbour next door,or the neighbour two floors below,or the neighbour immediately above us,or about some woman who walked along the corridor(she’ll complain that she’s out to seduce my dad).I REALLY CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE!!!it happens everyday,and whenever I talk to her,I sure would be very cross with her.let’s see…I’ll try to mould a scenario,well as I always use Chinese at home,I will use the English version here.
Me:I just got a haircut from a china woman.
Mum:humph.many of them come to look for husbands.you little boy better don’t go hook up with these women.they’re older than you,dun get cheated…they always walk around the corridor,think I dunno,looking for your father,wanting to seduce him,break up our family.*occasionally some vulgarities to add colour x_x*
Me:I’ve had enough of this nonsense;i’m going to the library!/AHHH!!!!*shouts for a very long time like siao kia*(trying to let her see what devastating effects her rantings have on me,without much effect)/can I have my lunch in peace?/why is it that you must always talk about such things?why can’t you talk about jovial stuff?why let me suffer this for which I do not deserve?/if the discipline master calls you, don’t be surprised.i picked up the vulgarities from you.you be accountable for it if anything happens.

On some days when my sister comes home earlier,she would be involved in such a struggle too,and would end up very pissed,just like me.just about anything she or I say can twist to my mum’s personal experiences and opinions.it’s very fast.she gets offtrack in discussions very quickly.no matter how much I tell her,what people used to say that hurt her,they didn’t mean it even when they said it.but she took them for real.even if it was a verbal insult 20 years ago.she’s been talking more and more about her sufferings recently,and my exams are coming.it’s not helping.the contrary,matter-of–fact.i’ve been her filial son for so long already,until now,when I can’t take it anymore and I must let people know why I am the way I am.sometimes,I really doubt if I was her son.you see,I have been a very tolerant guy for a long time already.she’s not.i’m very sensitive to people’s feelings,she’s not.i can see the futility of mentioning events well past,she doesn’t want to.but then again,there are still other factors that directly would show I’m her son.she likes geography,so do i.i love collecting,or admiring rocks,she does too.classical music,she shows some form of acceptance(very rare in people) and would even hum to familiar melodies.can anyone advise me on how to cope with my problem?I fear I would not be able to withstand it anymore.and what if I get home pissed already,and she starts telling me of what horrible deeds some people did to her 20 years ago,and I had a bad day in school…oh no…
i'm talking like a real bastard now.i do have to be grateful to her,and i am,but meanwhile suffer all these SUPERFLOUS worries?!everyone has his fair share of worries,i have mine too.but hers are just due to previous events.and she must pass those worries to my sis and i.really find it hard to maintain a delicate balance now.it just isn't fair.i'm a real loser.inferiority complex working up again.
thanks for ploughing through this garbage…it would have been most impressive(okay nobody reads this.stupid heryk)

"plak!";
x 3:54 pm

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