|| .burnynng on just lyke a matchh you stryyke to incynerate ||

whywhywhy-help needed

Eons since I last blogged-10 days to be exact.last Saturday I went to the gym with junhao;my first time there in fact.obviously this noob didn’t have any common sense so he didn’t do his warm ups.so I suffered a lot of cramps there for no good reason whatsoever….well-deserved.that should have taught me a lesson.i still remember this young woman,about 20 years old,complaining to her male friend…while junhao and I just stared at them wide-mouthed…such a poor guy.i got the impression that he got scolded for no reason at all.only a thought resided in my mind and I asked junhao “want a girlfriend?think again!”hahahaha…it (the incident) will happen to some guy sooner or later…haha…but then again,not all catholic high school boys have the correct sexual orientation…well that’s good for me.less competition mwahahahha…but maybe not!they will just say I’m gay!arghhhh!I really can’t stand the sight of broken wrists!nor the bimbotic laughter(they’re competing with girls).yucks.i still dun understand why catholic high has to have such ppl.tarnish the (already-nonexistent) reputation.hmpppphhh.gross.

I spent the rest of the week talking nonsense and acting like a madman in class.if one day I really go mad,there is no need to be surprised.i’m much too solemn already.i take things too seriously.this world is really a very confused place to live in.i realised that Singaporeans are living in a world of their own.the competition here is a self-fuelled one.i do not think that other countries will have such lifestyles.if you realise,we are thriving on nothingness.not much material value here.you see,we have no natural resources.we make our living from what other people sell to us.it’s not a nice feeling to have.yea yea all the talk to inflate ourselves…what high-class people,educated…all’s a farce.we’re really scavengers.something like the bourgeois.i feel like this place is a zerg hive.we’re all in this thick and opaque,nothingcomesclose shell…and when we sprout,we fly off in all directions.just discovered there is indeed a word to describe this maturing process:dehiscent.it’s just waiting to happen.u always have people here complaining about foreign talent.yea yea I must use this ‘yea yea’again.reminds me that Singaporeans are losers.yea yea and all that talk about ‘multiracial potpourri’.dream on.the people here are obviously still not able to see the big picture.the foreigners want to live here,duh.we are still too conservative at the moment.why is it that a Singaporean will always make a commotion when he sees a Caucasian?reminds me of mountain tortoises.oh,and they aren't desirable creatures.

I’m indeed sorry that you had to read that.i hope prime minister lee hsien loong can really bring Singaporeans out of their tortoise shells.even I consider myself one.it’s like Singaporeans are really in a world of their own.here comes the common-yet-tough to solve question.”why do we study so hard?”.i really have no idea too,but I’m trying to explore the possibilities here.adults would be prompt in reminding us something(something is used as they never tell us exactly what to do,cos they don’t know too) like “so that you have discipline in your work” ====> I still see no correspondence.okay right now I would prefer another answer.’so that you will be able to use this knowledge you acquire to teach the kids of tomorrow’.sounds satisfactory enough?that is why I aspire to be a teacher.u know all the stuff already,you know how to teach cos your teachers have taught you provided you do notice,you know what nonsense to expect from a bunch of idiots,you know everything already!or else another explanation would be ‘so we wouldn’t be ignorant fools’.but isn’t there a saying ‘happy are the ignorant?’.now I know why I can never be happy.the pandora’s box is ajar when you start school already.

Heh. speaking of such ‘biblical quotes’(I think that was a dig at the beatitudes),I’ve been suffering in school.i just hate it when some Christian or religious speaker goes to the front and tells you stories that have never happened,analogies that are not true,and they always use god in what they say.which is what has happened for about 1 or 2 weeks already.i am so shocked at why people are so ignorant.can’t they see it is a ploy to convert them to Christianity?people still clap over it.damn,brainwashing can really happen.why can’t mr lee hak boon respect our religious faith(none in my case)?is it really necessary to bring in people from church to tell us of god’s goodness?someone spare me.i dun mind him using god in every sentence already(implies a already very tolerant me)..grrr…still remember aaron saying ‘dun use god’s name in vain’.cos that’s from the ten commandments anyway.so mr lee is always guilty of it.”no matter what,god will provide” haha…see the vanity?but didn’t they say if you don’t help yourself,no one would help you?(duh,if you help yourself,you have solved your problem,and you should then thank god.haha.add a * WOW! * )

Recently I feel I have been losing myself.really.i know that I am radically changing,yet I do not know in which aspects.i really fear the day when I would hate myself.and people would too.i haven’t been of myself of late,I think.i’m really getting weird,and I don’t even know why I say that.could someone tell me what’s wrong with me?or is it just my innate pessimism again?ahh I think I know.i’ve been very judgmental recently.i used to be neutral in almost everything,but recently I have been unleashing my fury gwahahaha…somehow I think that I’ve been mr nice guy for too long,and that the hatred in me is wanting to get out.yep I hope it’s an entirely external element of me.i’m real sorry If I’m going to be real insensitive.maybe it’s the impending exams.i’m feeling the stress to perform well.yet,my parents do not give me stress.i’m jealous of everyone.their parents encourage their children to do well,but well,my mum is only concerned about letting me know how much injustices she has gone through her whole life.every insignificant event would be blown-up and given significant meaning.sounds like a mental disorder?all the better to know that I have the propensity to just …explode.

Also I’ve been very straightforward.both consciously and subconsciously using no tact in my language.making me a very unpleasant person sometimes.i even asked my mum why she doesn’t care about my education at all.she just said something like (in Chinese) “I do care,why else do u think I would pay the money for your tuition.”can you feel my anger now?!I’m so helpless.perhaps nobody can understand.so fine,she wins and continues ranting about either the china-ese neighbour next door,or the ex neighbour next door,or the neighbour two floors below,or the neighbour immediately above us,or about some woman who walked along the corridor(she’ll complain that she’s out to seduce my dad).I REALLY CAN’T STAND IT ANYMORE!!!it happens everyday,and whenever I talk to her,I sure would be very cross with her.let’s see…I’ll try to mould a scenario,well as I always use Chinese at home,I will use the English version here.
Me:I just got a haircut from a china woman.
Mum:humph.many of them come to look for husbands.you little boy better don’t go hook up with these women.they’re older than you,dun get cheated…they always walk around the corridor,think I dunno,looking for your father,wanting to seduce him,break up our family.*occasionally some vulgarities to add colour x_x*
Me:I’ve had enough of this nonsense;i’m going to the library!/AHHH!!!!*shouts for a very long time like siao kia*(trying to let her see what devastating effects her rantings have on me,without much effect)/can I have my lunch in peace?/why is it that you must always talk about such things?why can’t you talk about jovial stuff?why let me suffer this for which I do not deserve?/if the discipline master calls you, don’t be surprised.i picked up the vulgarities from you.you be accountable for it if anything happens.

On some days when my sister comes home earlier,she would be involved in such a struggle too,and would end up very pissed,just like me.just about anything she or I say can twist to my mum’s personal experiences and opinions.it’s very fast.she gets offtrack in discussions very quickly.no matter how much I tell her,what people used to say that hurt her,they didn’t mean it even when they said it.but she took them for real.even if it was a verbal insult 20 years ago.she’s been talking more and more about her sufferings recently,and my exams are coming.it’s not helping.the contrary,matter-of–fact.i’ve been her filial son for so long already,until now,when I can’t take it anymore and I must let people know why I am the way I am.sometimes,I really doubt if I was her son.you see,I have been a very tolerant guy for a long time already.she’s not.i’m very sensitive to people’s feelings,she’s not.i can see the futility of mentioning events well past,she doesn’t want to.but then again,there are still other factors that directly would show I’m her son.she likes geography,so do i.i love collecting,or admiring rocks,she does too.classical music,she shows some form of acceptance(very rare in people) and would even hum to familiar melodies.can anyone advise me on how to cope with my problem?I fear I would not be able to withstand it anymore.and what if I get home pissed already,and she starts telling me of what horrible deeds some people did to her 20 years ago,and I had a bad day in school…oh no…
i'm talking like a real bastard now.i do have to be grateful to her,and i am,but meanwhile suffer all these SUPERFLOUS worries?!everyone has his fair share of worries,i have mine too.but hers are just due to previous events.and she must pass those worries to my sis and i.really find it hard to maintain a delicate balance now.it just isn't fair.i'm a real loser.inferiority complex working up again.
thanks for ploughing through this garbage…it would have been most impressive(okay nobody reads this.stupid heryk)

"plak!";
x 3:54 pm

irrationality

Alas!the prelim 2 has come to a very unsatisfying end.i have lots of scores to settle with myself.firstly the ‘deja vooood’ lousy English grade.i somehow feel very shortchanged this time round.for comprehension I got 12,which should be decent-above average I say.however I got 10/25 for my summary.simply pissing.ms seah must not have known how much effort I devoted to paraphrasing and to the use of new words.all for $%@# sake of originality.composition erm I just did a slack job.guess I’ve always been reading non-fiction,and the monotonous sentence structures did me in.just the way like this.to add salt to injury,I counted about 5 ‘colloq’.damn maybe this blogging is harmful;I have lost the ability to distinguish formal and informal styles.oh dammit.i got lousy spelling too hehe.despite all that,I only saw one comment – lacks finesse.erm I was so helpless.how do I refine my passage then?dun recall any English teachers teaching about that.maybe I should.overall I got 19/30.to my horror some of my friends were congratulating me!damn scary….i had wanted something with a 2 in front ya know!like 26/30!(nice were the good ol’ days,darn gone they are).maybe I should be content.then the last was functional.i never did well in it.messed up the format,and answered incoherently.maybe I should be consoled again.i passed with an overall 51/100.sigh unpredictable English is.

This time I must have documented the most revolutionary change in a subject hehe.i still remember how sorry I was last prelim when I got 15/50-f9 for my history elective.indeed,it was a shame.a real shame,kick in the arse for me!I never recalled failing my history tests at all!ever since the days of ms thien,when everyone was failing happily and I was passing all the tests ^_^ so that prelim one was the real McCoy.haha I will never forget how bad it struck me.this time I jumped 6 grades.i will never forget how lovely it was to be struck by it.b3.sure feels good that mr tan came to congratulate me.he said “Herrick I have seen a little improvement in your history…”at first I thought yea a little improvement.however I thought of it again and started laughing.did he think I got c5 last term and the change to b3 was a little?lol it was from a f9 to b3 hahaha.i’ve been doing miracles recently.maybe I should start telling parables and establish cults of my own.(dun worry I’m still sane just making another dig at Christians).i’m still over the moon lol.

I’ve counted that I must get 10 points for my O levels.English-2,maths-1,geography-1,A maths-2,chemistry 2,physics-2,combined humanities-3,Chinese stands at 3 now.seems damn easy!but I know I would have to work hard for it.i’m just afraid that I would be complacent for my maths and geography,such that I might miss a point or two there.as for A maths,it’s so clear that I did not practise at all!I will practise hard for it X 10.hope I fulfil what I promise.English,can’t do anything for it.it just stands there.chemistry…well all of us have the facts in our heads,it’s just whether we can summon them and apply.for now I just lack practice.same for physics.that day I went to school for peer tutoring.choon wee can testify he saw a very clean virgin physics ten year series.maybe I can sell that!under his encouragement I started some of them..mcq only.take one step at a time.maybe it’s really time I stop slacking.that’s what cat high ppl are famous for.always the wrong things.combined humanities well it’s like you know not many are going to do well for it.therefore with a little additional effort it should be easier to rise above all others.this time I got b4 for combined humanities.i believe,and mr tan believes so much more,that we all would score distinctions.yep even mr tan has stopped slacking(opps!) and I believe he’s the miracle man.maybe not…that day I was reading on the crusades and he noticed.he asked if I was genuinely interested in history.well yes.but I did tell him I do enjoy history through games…and by that I unsealed pandora’s box.with a few others,we managed to talk with mr tan about computer games the whole period!how incredible is that!I’ve never spent about 30 minutes talking with a teacher,much more to talk on such daring topics like games.cool.i just thought it was so damn cool.i guess he must be spending his time playing some age of empires or empire earth now.gosh what have I done?argh I hope he wun be addicted to these real time strategy games like me…he even talked about designing games for which the player would need to have some understanding of the real events to be able to complete the game..how ambitious…even Microsoft studios would need at least 3 years to churn out a crappy title.hahaha well comments erm…I’m sure you’d have many by now.that’s it for now.

good luck to the rest of you having your oral exams!it’s not going to be eeeee…er all the best!

"plak!";
x 9:04 pm

history must repeat itself

yea yea just a few weeks ago on this horrible day i got back my maths and A maths.yea that dunno- if- i- should- have- rejoiced- or- despaired day.happened today also.before i got back my english papers,i already had this deja vu-i would not do as well again....so the prophecy was fulfilled indeed…I had never ever seen such a disappointing result in my summary before. a 10/25 hahaha.4 for content and 6 for both language and own words.heh.i was right all along,rather advising my friends that English is a very unpredictable subject….something like….me?it turned out that I had quite a few of the points,but spent too much time paraphrasing such that the concise meanings could not be brought out anymore.so that was how the unthinkable happened.thanks to choon wee for being there to laugh at the ‘english pro’.seriously I had never been offended for a real long time!but well I smiled it off anyway(i’m still offended haha).a real humbling experience for me,only to be deemed well-deserved.i had it coming…complacency maybe.but then I have taught many that English cannot be studied.maybe it’s time I reviewed my seemingly flawed theory.otherwise “how do u think the china ppl pass el?”(quoted from someone).anyway that was summary only right…we also got back comprehension today.i got 11/25 for comprehension,which is ‘good’ I think.i never go around asking ppl how much they get.i’ll only do that in return when ppl ask me.it is only polite to do so.okie so it shouldn’t have been too bad overall right?no way!last term I also received 11/25 for compre,complimented with a 18/25 in the summary,which I am so ever grateful to.so this time I have to be grateful to it again.indeed.hmph.i’m so glad that our ever-charismatic monitor pun hon gave me words of comfort…so touched.he said that my compo would pull me up.hehe we’ll see!

Anyway that happened after school.during curriculum time another paper was sort of ‘returned’.so it was that the mcq answer slips were returned to us.i had not really fine results in this section and was always so sore about it,so I just couldn’t care how much I got for it.but it occurred that this longtime eyesore of mine some guy in 4-1,he got 18/25…then came over and whined to his friend….wa lao I got 18 only leh”damn if only you witnessed it you could have seen qian xiang and me raising our fists already(literally,had you!).nay it was just that the tension in us was very high…we were taut strings,going to snap anytime soon.we were like going ‘**** off lah,get 18 still complain!’this was just an indication of my lack of confidence in my geography results this time.i already told myself I would be very ecstatic if I had b3 this time…so u know how much I didn’t study.anyway mdm sarifah asked us if we wanted to get back our scripts,or whether we preferred her to just read out the marks,or none of the options above.so obviously she was going to read out the marks,that being the intermediate of the two extreme options.she gave a comment,rather unkind to my class(it’s a mixed class of 4/1 and 4/2 geog students).as usual the triple science ppl would do better,yea yea so she announced that 4/1 had better results,and 4/2 had worse results…except for a few.i had no reaction towards that previous phrase already.N.U.M.B.i didn’t study much,in fact just read the textbook the day before,so I didn’t deserve good grades obviously.yes shuan min whoever you are you’re going to say it’s luck again hehe :P ‘except for a few’ would have given hope to everyone in the class,cos it’s apparent that everyone desires to be ‘the few’.but mdm sarifah lied.she only praised one person in 4/2.damn her it was only one guy who was the exception.so what if it was me?yea it was,but I didn’t really feel happy.dunno why…when people asked me how much I got(they didn’t know who,cos she just read index numbers and their corresponding grades),I just said a pass.it feels better to be humble than proud.up till now I still dunno if any one takes my word seriously;i was so tempted to insert a comma followed by a ‘seriously’ then a full stop.i feel more comfortable wearing so-called homeclothes,than ‘nice’ clothes.okay when I’m going out then only would I wear ‘nice’clothes.good to wear once in a while.likewise it’s good to be proud of yourself once in a while,but not in such quotidian terms.i guess I just couldn’t be proud of myself;what’s the use.anyway I got a2 for geog if u really wanted to know.it was nowhere near the 4/1 top breed.okay but right now I’m using my geog marks as a consolation to my insufferable grief at the defeat of my English papers.i just hope pun hon would be right.

English oral is going to be tomorrow.say,how does one prepare himself/herself?I have no idea.again,proof that I do not study English!oh dear,I’ll just do what you peeps think I can do best-impress the examiners with my linguistic skills.(I remember using ‘lah’ during the prelim orals :D ).just do what I do usually,and the marks will be there for me!yes!the same thing as Chinese orals!they are THERE,and we’re the rightful owners gwahahaha.okay I’ve remembered mr yong kwang hei’s invaluable advice.i still remember the time when mr heng gave us oral practice and while everyone received advice,I didn’t!he told me to shut up “I know you can talk”.okay it wasn’t done in the most polite manner but I know his meaning,he knows that I have no problem in conversation.must not let him down.he’s my idol actually,perhaps due to my horrible experiences with my ex-english teachers.first was teo wen li,who was just busty and bubbly and didn’t like the school environment much,so she’s working for the new paper now.she was damn slack.i still remember English lessons were either ‘go library and do er what?ya whatever u want’ or ‘this house believes in…’ I really hated those days.i hated the speed which the debaters quarrelled in.jealousy perhaps,but I really hated debate.sec 2 I had ms Fernandez…okie she’s really one of the best teachers I had,but she falls second place as mr heng is still the most hardcore(hey I mean hardworking,what u thinking?).she emphasised the composition of journals,and I enjoyed that.it seemed that she did enjoy reading our entries.she’s real understanding.whoever gets her as English teacher would be very lucky too.then last year it was mrs bala.simply hate her.slacks and slacks and slacks,on the pretext of going on some course,and when she does come back,she slacks some more.i remember the ONLY time she went through compre skills with us was after some CA paper which many failed.she was real nervous about it I could see.although mr heng is very moody as we all know;undeniable,well at least he gets us our work done.

These few days while I was supposed to be finishing the maths papers I was just playing empire earth which kc lent me.i had longed to play the game for so long.not that I’m bloodthirsty,but I simply appreciate the evolution and declines of the many many various races on this little rock.i’m only grateful to them(positively and negatively) for shaping the world like this today.if u think I’m lowlife to play that,then I can’t change your opinion sorry.
how many humans have been killed on the battlefield that life is really worthless.i’m always pondering what happens to Singapore in times of war.with so many quitters-to-be,just how many would be willing to take up arms to defend our sovereignity?the typical reaction would be ‘i’m this important person/I studied so much,and now you’re telling me to go die?’and what if this cold war between the united states and china erupts into full blown physical war?Singapore would surely be needed.what happens then?are we (sorry but majority of Singaporeans are Chinese,making it little-china) to fight against china,or our ally all these while we’ve been trying to cling on to?and what of the citizenry during war?are we to shrivel in air-raid shelters during war like 60 years ago?or be like the british?everyone worked hard;men and women hand-in-hand,producing ammunitions,supplies,and other essential war goods.high morale,and they won the battle of Britain.would our nation be able to resist any intrusions?no way.the people here and petty and they don’t care for each other.i’m not being anti anything,but just reporting my observations.i would surely love comments pertaining to these pertinent issues.

"plak!";
x 3:07 pm

literary compositions-am i bored or what?

was bored today,so i decided to try out some very short 'poems' or whatever you call them.they are at most four lines.hope you enjoy reading them,as much as i did composing them.damn,i just hoped i had taken LIT!!!!

Go away/
i'm to stay/
here's the decay/
to be for days!

---

Out of boredom/
sieged the kingdom/
wrote a poem.

---

So bad his lang/
resorted to slang/
incurred my angst/
down with a bang!

---

Funeral march/
magical touch/
said the judge/
who was a pudge!

---

Never would know/
what statistics show/
unable to comprehend/
nor to understand.

---

Out of greed/
did not heed/
no money to feed/
such a ghastly deed.

---

Out of cells/
exiled from Hell/
he lived to tell/
the farmer's in the dell!

---

He was the man/
who owned the land/
in military command/
i was under them.

---

In the day/
sings the jay/
dry some hay/
get your pay.

---

King of kings/
to which he brings/
death to all who sing/
or soar on wings.

---

okay i'm just bored,am and out for some light-hearted entertainment.enjoy your national day!(and the extended holiday,and the lovely assignments!)

"plak!";
x 12:20 am

smashing

skipped Additional maths class on saturday to go to NDP preview eh...not bad sia.for the second time i felt the vibrance of our nation.first time was in sec1 i took the ndp.that feeling was simply overwhelming you know...while a large majority of my counterparts didn't like it cos it was just labour to them.i liked it cos it brought up a sense of nationalism.(sorry if i'm being offensive to some anti-communist people lol).well we must love our country.i love singapore!it's so world-class already,what more do we want?the world is not enough,but i'm happy here already.better then be in china have to do communist dances hahaha,or like malaysia must know how to speak malay.in indonesia must have indonesian names(last time)..see, our racial identities are preserved....in the purest forms.that is why we are fortunate.(refer to me for more examples if you ain't convinced).offtrack for very long time already hahaha...erm yea we went there,by 1 hour before it started,the stadium was like 3r4 filled already...shows our people's love for the nation.so heartwarming...okay then i got a little ashamed of myself.throughout the whole preview when we were asked to do this do that,sing this sing that,shine this,strike that....my sis and i didn't take part in that kind of things....damn nothing-better-to-do sia....okay lah we were anticlimatic,but it wasn't the real thing after all....haha....save my love for the actual day,it was so silly lor....singing 'happy birthday' in the stadium...-_-'''.(long time never go overseas already,hmmm the best time is coming hehehe).okay lah that settles the ndp thing....

i was like so tired on satuday already,but the next day was the esplanade concert.slept about 4 hours before going to school.hahaha i must have been real steroid-pumped to have survived the concert with 4 hours of sleep but i guess it was the fact that i was THERE already so i had to deliver.anyway it was for my school,i'm just to do my best.so that i did :) a gratifying experience on the overall,okay i admit didn't feel that great that day.maybe was too tired to have emotions.just glad that everyone who told me they went there enjoyed the show.aaron called me 'cute'.oh no...when someone calls me cute i am so speechless...so i was quite speechless...anyway i do not think i would be going to the prague concert at the year end,so choir peeps take care!at least the last concert i sang in was for my school,not some lame charity or guest choir to fill up some other choir's concert slot.nah nobody will find me after the O levels for choir mwahaha...my mum's going to send me to my father's company to work.$60 a day for roughly manual labour heh.not too bad eh?but that's not my aspiration.mine is to be an english teacher!(at least.)yay then teach better then mr heng hahaha.english teacher...manual labourer...just so far away humph.i hope my mum wun keep me there for too long.

before maths today mrs long flashed a transparency describing some types of people.mainly it was concerned with the pessimists.so the general description was 'may be very sociable and friendly',but 'discussions are inclined to dark themes'.something like that.for a moment i identified myself with that!but then,it's not healthy.i will change,make sure i will.sometime before that mrs chung gave our class a shelling,which made perfect sense to me.well i hadn't practised that hard,or maybe not at all.as a student,i feel that it is only right of us if we excel in our studies.i mean,we do not have other priorities...right?ronald may have lah :D i feel like a spoilt brat who always lets his parents down haha...i'm not filial if i do not do my work well that's what i tell myself.then again,it may not be my fault.mrs chung said there were two types of people,linguistic and scientific.so i'm the former lor....so that's why i am clearly lacking in my sciences.yay.perfect coverup.during the bombardment today,mrs chung mentioned people in our class have very high EQ.well that was a consolation.my classmates are all capable of being very sociable with people,but wait....how about IQ?she didn't specify;it was of miniscule importance anyway,for it's the hard work that counts.(finally got why she was saying some stuff and not others!)

oh ya today i got back two results.one was physics and one was maths.these two subjects have given me ample inspiration to author two books.one is 'how to maintain your physics standards'(erm i got 49 for both prelims!!!damn damn damn!!!),the other is 'maths:from c6 to a1 within a term'.hahaha it's simply comical how i accomplished both;simply a sad irony.for physics as usual i didn't do the tenyear series,just read through this guided tenyear series without practice.yea i deserve it.but for maths it's weird.i got c6 last term,clearly competing with the dirt of our class already.but now,a1?hmmmm i dun get it.but perhaps it is just like english.maths is like a common language,like it or not.if you know it,then you will do well,if you dunno,you wun.oh well in a few hours time isle be taking the geography paper back.i didn't study this time round,no more a1 or maybe b3.expect something bad.my area of specialisation was not tested this time-weathering.destruction is my forte :) just kidding.i'm sooooo tired...

"plak!";
x 3:31 pm