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Parents-the worst side of them

i read choon wee's post,and somehow i can emphathise with him.i think i thought about a long time before i chose to post this;it's a great emotional barrier for me you know,but well,i would like to know more about myself,so here i am typing this.

when i was young,i often cried.very over-sensitive to things.always got laughed at by people because of that,so that lengthened the crying.as i grew up,i came to stop crying(means primary school no more already lah haha).but i did cry about 4 times last year,all because my parents were quarreling.why i dare to write all these is because they wun be reading this-they can't.
all this while,i've been keeping all these to myself,i'm so glad i can have this avenue for expression now.

on a typical weekday,fighting would not happen,cos my father usually has overtime,till about 9.30.obviously there is lesser time for a potential fight,cos they go to sleep at about 11 maybe.however my father works whole week,and on weekends comes home by six.that is why i would grow to hate weekends,instead of looking forward to it just like you would.more chances of a fight breaking out.i dun understand why they must quarrel;i get nothing out of it,wait i do get something.i get hurt.for them,it's like,excitement?!adults are constantly craving for this stupid glorification of themselves,and in the past they got this in the form of battles,now it's by criticising family members what the hell.

let us analyse the reasons why they quarrel.the usual case would be that my mother would be reminded of 'something' from the past.she would dig out ALL the unhappy things she experienced before,and usually it's due to my father.what wrong have i done to be caught in this crossfire?i dun even know of the background.i wasn't there,neither do i wish to be there,given a chance.how can i i can't ascertain the facts;the accusations...i can't deem them to be false or true!i can't say who's wrong in front of them...i'm a very soft-spoken person...and usually i don't even dare to talk when they fight...my sis and i would be entrenching ourselves in our rooms...i do not know if she has cried due to that,but no doubt there would be a very deep emotional scar now,right step?anyway my mother will brood over the 'unfair' stuff and verbalise them in a very not nice manner to my father,taunting him to quarrel with her.my father's very tolerant one...it usually takes quite a great effort to force him to his breaking point,that's why i say i would cry about 4 times.if he were not tolerant,i would be crying about 20 times already.

other reasons include accusations of my father siding with our neighbour upstairs,who is always crashing hammers and spanners and other heavy whatnot onto the floor,moreover their floor seems to be untiled..only cement you know!the impact of the objects...simply intolerable!but being the passive me,i always keep the suffering to myself,promising myself not to worry about the noise and hoping for the better..real idealist person...while my mother would just shout all the #$^&@% and you know what?she will do the same thing to the poor neighbour below....really unthinkable.she would say that since the police always never take action when she calls to report the neighbour above,why not she do it to her other neighbour downstairs and let them take the punishment as well?i dunno how she got the impression that my father is siding with the neighbour.indeed she thinks too much,and i can see that genes are inherited,but i develop my thinking positively,however,something i do not believe,still.by right,i should be like her right?but i'm trying to stop this spread of hatred.whenever someone does anything untoward to me,i'll laugh it off,i mean,what's the point of all this vengeance?
i do not know why my mother would be like that, i think she has some very bad childhood memories,that is why.well,so do it.but my memory is quite bad,glad it is,so i will not have memories of that,much...mayhaps...

oh ya you all want to know what happens during a fight and how it's resolved right?here's the summary from heryk's "the dummy's guide to surviving a conflict".
1.accusations thrown at father
2.a small perchance that father will not shrug it off easily,after a long day of hardwork
3.returns comments
4.mum raises already loud voice
5.fight officially begins
6.heryk and his sis evac themselves into their bunkers,sometimes stuffing their ears with earphones
7.all scream no action
8.tension too high,got some action,(eg my mum once threw her beloved money plant on the floor,shattering the glass to shards,and she threw them into the dustbin.i sneaked out to save some of the plants right from the dustbin,a small colony still survives to mark as a memorial)
9.any other applicable act(of aggression) id est, throwing anything they can lay their hands on,slamming the doors very hard
10a.-silence-
10b.neighbours whispering heard;of concern or gossip i dunno
11.father calls mum's family to mediate after mum shuts herself in the door
12.grandmother leads the convoy,then with 2 uncles and their wives(usually it's either one of them),grandfather sometimes
13.they see me cry
14.tell me not to;boys shouldn't.i'm ashamed.it's all i can do.
15.they talk to both of them
16.somewhat the situation is solved,finally
17.they go off (see you next time!i mean,crudely put,they are the ones who will solve the crisis at the end of the day)
18.my parents(either one) come to me with a glass of plain water,giving me instant shock treatment.(try shooting someone,then immediately remove it using surgical procedures as you're a fully qualified surgeon)

*somewhere in the middle i debate over whether i should plunge down 10 floors to end my suffering.so far the good side has won over the bad*

oh god why do they quarrel?luckily the last incident happened about 4 months ago i think.i wish to be still counting the months,years,hopefully.it happened with greater frequency last year.no wonder my studies weren't good at all last year.lucky that is the worst thing about my parents.there's about nothing equivalent to that phew.took me quite a while to overcome my trauma to post this,so i surely hope you have benefitted from reading this dark tale.meanwhile no-one will stop me from being positive towards life.time to move on!but maybe these incidents are why this site is 'perpetualsorrow'?.i have no idea,there's something plucking at my heart...very painful...no idea what it is...

in 8 hours time it would be the A Maths paper,the last one,in fact.i haven't studied much yet...i'm always burning midnight oil hehe.pretty much a zombie,i think i pumped steroids into meself somehow.i'm worried about my results...long while since i passed(though mrs long did say the last one was a tough cookie,getting close to a pass was decent enough already,something which comforted me.it can be cross-referenced by mr leong,who said something like getting 60 was like getting 75 already.hahaha)
after that then it's liberty!!!....or is it not?well there's going to be choir the whole week leading up to the concert,Aug 1.i'm going to be real positive about it...though obviously i'm going there to suffer...

smile anyway! :)
*big fat grin*

"plak!";
x 3:22 pm

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